Hogwarts a History - Year 2 Compendium
by jade-fae
Summary: With summer out of the way it's back to school for a nice boring year of magical education, right? Not for Harry Potter. Crazy Quidditch Captains, adorable centaurs, stalkers and ninja's and spider girls, oh my. And this isn't even counting the crazy house elf or Slytherin's monster. What's a Harry Potter to do. Maybe get a shave?
1. First Arc - Alternative training

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 01 – Alternative training

…

Quidditch! Was there anything in the world more wonderful? No, no there was not. Not according to Oliver Wood at any rate. He'd spent all summer thinking about it, dreaming about it, plotting about it.

"So, any questions?"

Having just concluded an extensive presentation of his training regimen for the year he stood back beaming at his team, awaiting their praise for his masterfully crafted, unbeatable training plan. The awkward silence was only broken by the sound of Fred snoring. Not quite the reaction he'd been hoping for but, he was undeterred.

Nothing could dull his excitement. It was Quidditch. A rampaging dragon couldn't have squelched his enthusiasm. Actually, a dragon might be just what he needed to really take their training to the next level.

Hmm, something to think about later.

"Alright, if there's no questions, let's get out there."

Shambling like a horde of inferi, the Gryffindor team followed their overenthusiastic captain out onto the pitch. To their small surprise, they already had a crowd.

Ron and Hermione had come out to watch, for some reason that probably wasn't Ron's idea, given how he was nodding off in his seat. And the firsty who'd been stalking Harry since the start of term with his camera, Creepy or something, had jumped up all excited only to face plant when he tripped over his own feet.

Wood took these in at a glance then put them out of his mind. It wasn't so uncommon for members of their own house to come and watch the team practice. Nothing wrong with that. The Slytherin house team strutting onto the field like they owned it however, there was nothing 'not' wrong with that.

"What are you doing here Flynn? I already signed up for the pitch this morning."

The superior smirk the Slytherin team captain gave him made his fists ache to beat it off his face. The sheet of paper he was handed did not help.

"We got 'special' permission from Professor Snape to use the pitch to train in our new Seeker, Malfoy."

Harry's face went red when the little blonde ponce strutted to the front of the crowd, but Wood only had eyes for his broom. A broom that looked to have brought along six of its siblings, one for each member of the Slytherin team.

"Nimbus two thousand one," Flynn bragged. "Just came out. Donated to the Slytherin team by Lucius Malfoy."

Of course, he would have to buy his useless son's way onto the team.

Wood barely noticed when the spectators showed up on the field and started quarreling with Malfoy, his Quidditch was being spoiled. Leave it to the Slytherin's to do what even a dragon couldn't accomplish.

He hated wasting time arguing. He knew he couldn't win, chagrined as he was to admit it. Snape was quite blatant in his favoritism and none of the other teachers would ever do more than complain about it. He didn't need complaints, he needed solutions.

And the backfiring of Ron Weasley's wand may just have given it to him.

"Come on, let's take him to Hagrid's."

An idea, inspired by the massive man but discarded earlier in his planning as too extreme, began to look very tempting. It's not like he had a lot of other options.

"Fred, George, help your brother," Wood ordered. "Come on, all of you."

Leaving the Slytherin team laughing at the slug spewing Weasley, the Gryffindor team, plus bushy haired extra, hauled Ron the short distance to the game keepers hut.

Hagrid, seeing the problem, ushered them in and grabbed a bucket, "Best to let it run its course," the big man said.

Wood felt for the slug burping boy, but his sympathy was quashed under a more powerful emotion, Quidditch.

"Well, now that's taken care of, come on you lot. We got practice."

"Uh Wood, we can't practice. Slytherin's using the pitch," said Angelina Johnson.

"Do you need a pitch to fly a broom?" The team looked at him oddly, but his grin remained firmly in place.

"What are you getting at Wood?"

"If Slytherin's on the pitch, we practice somewhere else." The team didn't seem all that keen on the idea, but he loved it more and more every second, "Time for some alternative training."


	2. Into the woods

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 02 – Into the woods

…

"Wood, that's the forest."

"Sure is."

"You are aware we're not supposed to go in there?"

"Never stopped us."

"Not even once."

Wood understood his chaser's concern, but the twins were right, it wasn't going to stop them. If the whole Slytherin team was going to be flying around on the newest, fastest brooms on the market, there was only one way they could hope to compete with that.

Regular old training was not going to cut it. All his crazy, extreme ideas were now back on the table. And that was just for starters. He was going to have to get creative, but that was for later.

"Mount up!" he shouted, straddling his broom.

Reluctantly, the team mounted their brooms and hovered off the ground.

"Alright, let's start simple, follow the leader. I'm in front, chasers, beaters, and Harry brings up the rear. Single file, don't lag behind!"

Without giving anyone a chance to argue the Gryffindor keeper shot into the forest. With an angry growl, Angelina followed. The others sighed but did likewise. They had not signed up for this nonsense.

"Time to find out if you slackers have been practicing this summer!" Taunt made, Wood began bobbing and weaving between the enormous trunks of the towering trees.

It was kids' stuff really. Out of the whole team Wood's position was the least mobile. Short bursts in any direction was the most flying he could regularly expect to see. No one had the least bit of difficulty following his simple weaving pattern.

After a couple miles Wood glanced back to find his team casually trailing like a line of ducklet's. Giving a nod, "Time to spice things up."

Grasping his broom tightly, he angled up hard, shooting past branches and finally through the canopy out into the early morning sunlight. Basking in the gentle glow only for a second, he made a tight U and shot back down. He heard someone groan as he flew past but glancing back, they were still following.

Arrowing downward, he pulled up well before ground level and began weaving again. The others were right on his tail till he called them to a stop ten minutes later.

"Now that the warm-ups done, time to really kick it into gear."

The team groaned at his exuberance, but Fred had a different problem, "We're not just gonna follow you around the forest all morning, are we?"

That had been his plan and he saw no flaw in it. Fred apparently did and he wasn't the only one, "No offense Wood, but if we're playing follow the leader, we should be following Harry," said Angelina.

The young seeker perked up at his name, "Me?"

"He's the best flier on the team," said Fred.

"Best broom too," added George.

"Exactly!" said Wood. "We have to train to compete with that kind of broom. Right now, Harry'd just leave us all eating leaves."

"Switch brooms then."

The seeker and the keeper both had the same reaction, "What!"

"No, no, she's right," Alicia Spinnet jumped in. "If Harry's the prodigy everyone says he is, he should still be able to fly circles around us on an older broom, but it'll still be closer so we might actually get something out of this."

Wood considered the idea, while Harry just sat there giving Alicia an 'et tu Brute' look. It wasn't bad, the idea, there was definitely merit. Learning to maximize on an older model broom like his could only improve his seeker's performance on his superior one. Plus, it would give Wood a chance to try out the Nimbus 2000 which he'd wanted to do since the moment he saw it. That clinched it.

"Whadaya say Harry?"

The young seeker sighed and shrugged. That was good enough for Wood. The two landed just long enough to switch rides before rejoining the team, "Try it out, see how she handles," said the team captain, itching to do the same.

Harry nodded, starting out with a slow loop around the trees. Accelerating faster and faster he rose in a spiral, momentarily pushing through the canopy before diving in a spinning, weaving stoop, blasting through the ring of his team and pulling up just feet from the forest floor.

"Kay, I think I got a handle on it," he said all nonchalant, floating back up to his team.

"Show off," said Alicia. The twins just snickered.

"Right! New leader. Harry, it's all you. Lead the way."

There was a wicked glint to the seeker's grin which would have worried a sane person. Wood just smiled back and watched his teammate fly a quick vertical loop before zipping away.

"Well, whatcha waitin for?"

Muttering depreciations under her breath, Angelina copied Harry's loop and rocketed after him.

Following her example, the others looped the loop and disappeared into the thick green foliage. Bringing up the rear, Wood beamed as he too flew the loop and blasted off after his team.

Nothing could ruin this day, nothing.

Prepare for nothing.


	3. A tangled web

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 03 – A tangled web

…

"Woooooohooooooo!"

If there was something better than flying, Harry didn't know it. In all his time at Hogwarts there was nothing else that so consistently made him happy. He liked his friends sure, but he loved to fly.

"Harry! Slow down!"

The youngest seeker in a century chuckled and dove low, swooping, skimming bushes and threading the needle through ridiculous arrangements of branches. The cursing of his trailing teammates was music to his ears. That'd teach Alicia, wouldn't it.

"You think you're so smart Potter!"

Why yes, he did think that.

Shooting a corkscrew through another tight hole the cursing rose to a whole new level as his teammates broke off frantically to avoid an ugly crash. All except Wood who blasted through on his borrowed broom, scratched and scraped but still in the air.

"This broom!" he exclaimed. "I can't, I can't even…" he gibbered excitedly.

"I know what you mean," was his broom after all.

"Oi!" With leaves and branches in her hair, Alicia Spinnet glared down at the seeker, "Your dead meat Potter."

"I think she's mad," said Wood with a stifled snort.

Harry didn't have to think. He'd seen that expression before. That was one of the looks Dudley used to get just before a game of Harry hunting, "Uh oh."

Leaning back, he made a short dive to pick up speed then ran for it.

"Get back here!"

He'd never listened to that demand before, the angry chaser hot on his tail gave him no reason to change that. A noise off to one side gave away Katie Bell, haunting his right wing with a wicked smile. Sparing a glance to the left he saw Angelina closing in, a mirrored expression on her face.

"Oh boy." Looked like the seeker had become the snitch and everyone was after him.

A ruckus from above announced Fred and George who divebombed him whooping and hollering. His whole team was out to get him, and if that was the case, "They're gonna have to earn it."

Shooting up like a runaway rocket he spiraled between the twins and headed for the mid-level branches. They were thicker and longer than the intertwining mess at the lower levels, easier to work around.

The team quickly pursued, the chasers dogging his heels and trying to flank him while the twins made a lot of noise and tried to get above him again. He maneuvered to keep them from doing so. Letting them think he didn't want them over his head which made them fight all the harder to get there.

"Harry! I'm gonna put you in a dress and take you ta dinner!" Alicia shouted.

"Sorry, I have to wash my hair," he shouted back, wondering just what bug crawled up her butt.

He'd have to ask her later. With the twins now overhead, Harry hooked a hard left round a massive trunk then stooped like a mad falcon, straight at the ground. The others tried to follow but he rode the tree to the very last second, skimming the forest floor like no sane person ever had before.

"That boy is bonkers!" cried Katie.

"And he's all ours!" declared the twins.

Alicia, pretending she wasn't impressed shouted, "He's getting away!"

And at breakneck speed. So close to the ground it was impossible to even think as he shot through. He was on a whole other plane, another field of existence. Turns out other planes of existence also have deer.

His brain screamed when he spotted the little doe he was bearing down on. He couldn't turn, couldn't dodge, there wasn't time, he was going to crash. Even as he was thinking this, something unexpected happened and he blasted through empty space, no deer in sight.

Shocked back to human thinking time he slowly angled the broom up till he was safely away from the ground before pulling it to a stop. Looking around frantically he tried to spot the deer, but it was gone, if it had ever been there to begin with.

"Crazy," he muttered as his erratic pulse slowed to something like normal, "Coulda swore…"

But no, it couldn't have been. Deer don't just magically fly into the air for no good reason. Do they?

Pondering on the possibility of magical deer, he was interrupted by a piercing scream. It was a small leap to figure out who had made it, and he quickly pointed his broom in the appropriate direction.

It was a surreal sort of horror he stumbled into. Spiders as big as people scurried about on hairy legs thicker than broomsticks. Alicia and Katie were tangled in a massive web which Angelina was attempting to free them from with little success.

Fred and George with their beater bats screamed and hollered, swinging their weapons menacingly to ward away the eight-legged freaks, but they were having very little luck. The nimble arachnids proving too quick for the twins and their smacky sticks.

Shaking himself from his stupor he tried to figure out what he should do. He felt his wand, haphazardly tucked into his robe that morning as he stumbled out of bed. He could use that, but what spell would he use, could he use. Just how did one fight a giant spider.

His moment of indecision cost him as one skulking arachnid used his distraction to launch its attack. The heavy spider knocked him out of the sky but, managing to keep hold of his broom he shook it off before they landed and rolled back into the air.

"Dammit! Help!"

In the short time he'd been wrestling with the spider, Angelina had gone from rescue to rescue me, joining Alicia and Katie in the web. And she wasn't the only one. Another dozen spider had appeared, harrying the twins and forcing them away from the web.

"Harry!" they shouted as he zipped up next to them.

"What do we do?" His heart was racing too fast to think as more spiders seemed to appear with every passing second.

A sharp whistle drew their attention upward to Wood, signaling a withdrawal. The trio balked at leaving their friends but the appearance of yet another dozen spiders took the choice away from them and they shot upward.

"We'll be back!" Harry shouted, to wit the spiders hissed angrily.


	4. Coming to the rescue

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 04 – Coming to the rescue

…

"This cannot be happening!"

"Where the bloody hell did those things come from?"

"We have to do something!"

The gentlemen of the Gryffindor team were in a state. Having just lost their chasers to a horde of giant eight-legged freaks they were itching to get back into the action and crack some carapace.

Even their little seeker was eager despite having almost been taken in the attack, as he held a seed of guilt for being indecisive and missing his chance. The sort of plants that grow from such seeds are not of the admirable kind and are best killed quickly before they've a chance to root. This then was Harry's motivation.

"Slow down," ordered Wood. "Even if we went back down there and tried to free them, we'd just get stuck like Angelina."

"You're not suggesting we leave them!" The very idea was appalling.

"Of course not," said Wood, "but we need an actual plan. Does anyone have their wand?"

The twins hung their heads grimly. They'd not thought they'd need them. Given the hour they'd not thought much at all.

"I do!" Pulling his wand Harry beat down his guilt, aided by the fact he appeared to be the best armed of all present.

"Good! That's one at least," said Wood.

"Wait, you mean you don't?" said Fred.

"Didn't you have it this morning?" said George.

Wood blushed and coughed, instinctive reaction of a guilty mind, "I, left it in the locker room, with my presentation," he mumbled.

"WOOD!"

Barreling through his teams protest, "That's not important right now. Harry, do you know a cutting spell yet?"

Harry shook his head. Flitwick had mentioned it, but they'd not yet gotten to it.

"Right, then I need to teach you one, quick. You'll need it to cut them out of the webbing."

"Wouldn't fire work better?" said George.

"Only if you want to cook the girls," said Fred.

"Oh yeah. That would probably annoy them."

"Maybe just a little."

"Wouldn't work anyway," said Wood. "Those are acromantula. I've heard their webs are resistant to fire. You'd need some serious heat for that to work."

Hermione could have done it, back when she was all crazy.

"Chaser's aren't fireproof anyway," said Harry before the twins could start up again. "Teach me the spell, quick."

…

"Crimeney!"

"Geez!"

"Why are they not warning people about this?"

Fluffy had nothing on this place. Sure, a third-floor corridor was a bit more close to home than the middle of the forest, but then again, that was a lot of spiders. Stretching out as far as the eye could see, which wasn't super far given how tightly packed the trees were, webs, everywhere webs. And on those webs, spiders, ranging in size from a large tarantula to a large man.

Can you imagine the razors you'd need for all those hairy legs.

"Look! Those cocoons must be them!" Three sticky, squirming sacks lay before a large hole. Imaginations speculated on the size of spider that would need that sized hole. Instructions were promptly sent to the spine and shivers did commence.

"Alright, you remember the plan. I'm the diversion. You two are Harry's bodyguards. Harry, get them out as fast as you can but be careful. Hopefully they still have their brooms, otherwise this is gonna get tricky."

Argument could have easily been made they were already well past 'tricky', but Wood didn't stick around to give them the chance. The spiders burst into frantic action when Gryffindor's keeper went zipping through their nest. Acromantula are fiercely territorial and they swarmed after the interloper in a hissing mob.

Distraction underway, Harry, plus wingmen, swooped into a much emptier spider nest and headed for their friends. A few remaining acromantula hissed and skittered around them, but without their overwhelming numbers advantage they seemed reluctant to attack.

Harry was grateful for their reluctance, but that gratitude shriveled up like a particularly wrinkly prune when the giant spiders even more giant daddy crawled out of his hole.

"Great Googely Moogely!" Fred's exclamation succinctly summarized the feeling of all three Gryffindor's.

"Where the bloody hell did that thing even come from!" shouted George.

"Who cares!" cried Harry. "Look where it's going."

The spider had a firm gaze on the three boys, but even as he stared his legs moved with confidence, carrying him to the three cocoons. Three cocoons which had gone suspiciously still.

"He's going for the girls!"

"Gryffindor's charge!"

Barreling recklessly at the gargantuan arachnid, the twins brandished their beater bats. The daddy spider reared and screamed, a horrible high pitch sound that sent the twins careening in opposite directions.

Harry sat frozen on his broom. His new cutting spell wasn't going to do anything to that monster. His mind raced for something, anything, but it took second place when one of the cocoons exploded, and chaos won the gold by an easy mile.


	5. Time to be Heroes

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 05 – Time to be heroes

…

"This is so humiliating," complained Alicia as she was dragged along the ground.

"Could be worse," said Katie optimistically, squirming around in her webby prison.

"I am totally blaming Harry for this," Alicia griped.

"Well that's a little unfair," said Angelina. "I think Wood's more to blame than Harry."

"Yeah! What's with you and Harry today?" said Katie.

"Nothing!" she exclaimed a little too quickly. "There's nothing between me and Harry."

"Oh!" She couldn't see her fellow chaser, but Angelina could almost picture the blush. "Nothing between you and Harry, eh? Sounds like you maybe want there to be though."

"WHAT!"

There was an overly powerful denial in that single scream, and Angelina chortled wickedly. "Sounds like someone's got a little crush on our little seeker."

"Oo!" squealed Katie. "Alicia, is it true?"

"No! What are you even saying? Me and Harry? Merlin, what a ridiculous idea. I mean, he's not even 'that' cute," her denial rambled unconvincingly.

"Not 'that' cute," Angelina repeated, her tone betraying her Cheshire grin.

"We never said he was cute," observed Katie with wicked glee.

Ready to burst through the power of embarrassment, which on some scales is almost as powerful a force as gravity, though less curious than love, she was saved when the three of them came to an abrupt halt.

"Oof!" Very abrupt.

"Where are we?"

"Search me. I can't see a thing."

"Ah hah! Got it!"

"What! Got what! Katie!"

"My wand," she said. "I've been trying to get it ever since they webbed us."

"That's great!" exclaimed Angelina. "You can get us out of here."

"Maybe," Katie hedged. "I'm a little worried what's going to be waiting for us though."

"Everyone still got their brooms?" Alicia asked.

"Yeah, its rubbing in a really sensitive place too," Angelina complained.

"Katie?"

"In here somewhere," she said absently. "Hang tight. I'm gonna freeze my way out."

"Stay cool," Angelina quipped, causing Alicia to groan.

Seconds stretched, feeling like minutes made all the more nerve wracking by the furious hissing and chittering all around them.

"That sounds like a lot of spiders," said Alicia, tensing against the shiver that crept up her spine like a… well, you know.

"They do sound kinda mad," said Angelina.

What they heard next sounded kinda close, kinda too close. Heavy thuds of something striking the earth in a calculated rhythmic fashion, like walking but with more than the usual number of legs initiated another spine tingle.

"Katie! Hurry up!"

"I think… I think I got it."

Frozen, the soft sticky webbing turned hard and brittle. Throwing all the strength of her not terribly large body into the effort, Katie broke through, erupting from her cocoon in an explosion of frozen web.

One look at her surroundings made her wish she hadn't. She choked on a scream when she saw the super-giant arachnid standing over her, managing only a wheezing squeak.

"Katie!"

Before her startled eyes, Harry buzzed the extra giant spider, followed by Fred and George who both took a swing as they passed. The bats cracked against the spider's legs and it turned furiously toward the gingers who darted around like crimson mosquitoes, just out of reach while Harry snuck back and landed next to the horrorstruck chaser.

"Katie, are you…" the seekers question was cut off when the older girl grabbed him in a crushing hug.

"Katie. Katie! Big spider!"

Coming back to her senses at the mention of big spider, "We need to free Angie and Alicia!"

"You get one, I'll get the other."

Dashing to the cocoons, Katie lay a thick frost over hers while Harry began to very carefully slice through the layers of webbing.

"It's getting cold in here," said Angelina.

"Try breaking out."

A groan, a crack, and Angelina burst from her cocoon like a scarlet butterfly, "Blimey that was cold!" she exclaimed.

"Better that than this," said Alicia as she forced open the hole Harry had cut.

"Complain later," said Harry. "We need to go. Brooms?"

"Yeah, it's in…" Angelina froze mid-sentence, eyes growing to the size of saucers.

The daddy spider had grown bored of the twins and was now looming over his fleeing lunch. The girls, too scared to even scream could only stare. But Harry, grinning wickedly, turned his wand on the giant spider. Blue fireballs shot from his magical tool, catching and sticking to various parts of the spider who reacted as any sensible being suddenly finding themselves alight would.

It shrieked a horrible shriek and began flailing about madly, trying to rub, smother, and stamp the flame out, never noticing, like a common hoodlum, that the fire was neither hot, nor consuming.

"Brooms, NOW!" Harry barked, knowing his distraction wouldn't keep the biggest spider busy long.

Angelina and Katie extracted their brooms from the brittle frozen cocoons easily enough, but Alicia's refused to come without a fight. Tendrils of webbing clinging to the handle even as Harry cut through the ones gumming up the bristles.

"Ugh! Forget it! I'll just have to bring it with," she growled, mounting her broom and getting it into the air with the heavy cocoon hanging underneath. And none too soon, as the daddy spider had given up on the persistent little flames, turning furious eyes on the airborne meat.

"Go!" Harry shouted, turning his wand on the spider again.

Feet sliding about erratically the spider fought for balance as the three females disappeared into the forest. The small male, pointing its tiny stick again, blasted him with a strong wind before hopping on his large stick and shooting into the air, joined in his retreat by the spicy looking meat with the clubs.

Unable to stop them, the great spider cried out in fury. He would not forget this. He would not forget them.

The team joined up halfway to the edge of the forest, Wood coming in last after losing his pursuing horde. Together they fled the gloomy place, putting down at the edge with visible relief.

Katie took the opportunity to bearhug her seeker again and, because it looked fun, Angelina decided to join her. Neither missed the poorly hidden look of envy from their fellow chaser, but first come first serve.

"Well now, that wasn't too bad for our first practice."

Somehow being immune to his team's furious stare's, Wood began handing out critiques of everyone's performance. Stares of fury briefly turned to disbelief, then back to fury.

It may have been the alignment of the planets or the particular phase of the moon, but the odd combination of hunger, exhaustion, and just general annoyance left them something less than receptive to their captain's 'helpful' suggestions.

Sometime later, as he went to dump out a bucket of slugs, Hagrid would discover the unconscious Oliver Wood laying across his stoop. The shape of him would suggest he'd been beaten soundly by a half dozen angry broomsticks.

Despite a lack of evidence to suggest, Hagrid would lay all the blame squarely on Slytherin. Who else would do such a thing to a fine upstanding young man like Wood?


	6. Water sport

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 06 – Water Sport

…

"Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?"

Alicia's question received a round of affirmative responses and a few dark chuckles. They'd not been gentle with their team captain the previous day and his note to meet him out by the lake for practice had left them all with a case of nerves.

Harry's case had more to do with how much he seemed to have forgotten over the summer. Despite his performance at the spider nest, classes were proving how little he'd remembered. Granted he remembered the stuff that kept him alive but how did you explain that to a teacher.

Plus, the looming threat of expulsion if he set so much as a toe out of line, thanks to the flying car incident, was making him a bit of a basket case.

"First sign of anything fishy we hex him into next week," suggested Fred.

"I'd like to enthusiastically second that motion," added George.

"Everyone got their wands?" Six wands shot into the air.

"Are we sure we're not overreacting?" asked Katie, trying to be the voice of reason.

A triplicate of, "No!" was her answer and she sighed in defeat.

Harry gave her a conciliatory pat, "At least you tried."

The blonde chaser smiled and proceeded to squeeze the living daylights out of her seeker, "You are so cute."

He'd have to try being less cute or he might not live long enough to be expelled.

They found Wood standing just outside the castle waiting for them. He'd a big smile on his face and only slightly resembled a mistreated grapefruit. Talented witch that Madam Pomphrey.

"Follow me," he said without preamble and headed for the lake.

His team watched suspiciously, following slowly, wands hidden up their sleeves.

"Since yesterday's training went so well, I decided we try something like that again," said Wood, coming to a stop at the edge of the lake where a dozen familiar looking boxes sat waiting.

Hackles rose at the cavalier mention of the previous day, "I just finished cutting my broom out of that cocoon this morning!" And having no better ideas, kicked it under her bed to deal with later.

"I'm still pulling leaves out of my hair," said Angelina, producing a small green oval to prove her point.

"Lucky for you then, today we're working over the lake." Waving an arm to the body of water the team finally noticed the dozen quaffles floating along the surface. Before anyone could guess as to the purpose of such, the giant squid exploded from the water, tentacles flailing, shooting the quaffles into the air.

"The squid was happy to help with today's little exercise," said Wood, pulling his wand and opening the surrounding boxes with a single wave.

The boxes flew open and two dozen bludgers rocketed into the air. Taking a spare bat Wood tossed it to Harry, "You get to be a beater today Harry. As for you three," he said, turning to his gaping chasers, "you have to get all the quaffles from the squid and back in their boxes. Training isn't done till they're all put away."

The team stared at their 'fearless' captain, then at each other. Six wands appeared in a blink, but Wood was already on his broom and on the far side of the squid before the first spell could be muttered.

"We know where you sleep Oliver!"

The big cheeky grin that never left his face only made Alicia grind her teeth all the harder. "Come on!" she snapped. "Let's get the stupid balls so we can be done."

"Look out!" Ever keen of eye, especially for a guy in glasses, Harry threw himself between Alicia and the oncoming bludger. A mighty swing from the twelve-year-old arm sent the angry iron ball shooting between the squids eagerly waiting tentacles.

"You okay?"

Alicia gave him a blank look before nodding like a bobble head to hide the blush that had crept into her cheeks.

"Harry's got the right idea," said Fred.

"Three of us, three of you," said George.

"Wingman!" finished Harry.

"I've got Angie," said Fred.

"I call Katie," said George.

"I guess I've got you then Alicia," said Harry, oblivious to the effect his good-natured smile was having on the chaser.

"Oi! What's the holdup!"

The team turned a collective glare on their keeper, "Points to anyone who knocks him off his broom," said Alicia, mounting her own and launching into the fray.

Harry followed, hot on her bristles, with the others a half a moment behind.

Seeing them come the squid began flailing wildly, tossing quaffles from tentacle to tentacle. Those that fell in the water shot right back out on concentrated jets. He was having fun.

The bludgers buzzed around like angry hornets, keeping the beaters extra busy guarding their chaser with the higher than usual number with a noticeably higher level of aggression.

"He must have spelled them!"

"Bloody bastard!"

Angelina was the first to a quaffle, shooting between two massive tentacles and snatching it as it went between. Passing near the boxes she gave it a toss only to duck when Wood appeared and knocked it back.

"Wood!"

"You know how this game works."

Wood had been quite thorough in his preparations. When Katie got a quaffle and tried to take it right to the box she discovered the shield and almost fell into the lake. It was only Georges quick work that kept her from being wet as well as fuming.

"I take it all back," she said. "We need to kill him in his sleep."

"Come on, we're gonna be out here all night at this rate."

With Woods taunting for motivation the team dueled with the squid furiously. Unfortunately, having someone to play with motivated the squid even more, so it was after dark when they finally got the last quaffle and all but two of the bludgers back into their boxes.

There was no sight of the rogue bludgers, but no one was all that concerned. They were big balls. They could take care of themselves, and Wood still had one final humiliation for them, "You lot wanna put this all away, then I think we'll call it a night."

Soggy, bruised, and thoroughly exhausted the team couldn't even raise a wand to curse as their captain sailed out of range and out of sight.

"He must pay," groaned Alicia.

"Later," said Katie. "Too tired for vengeance."

"Probably his plan all along," said Fred.

"Bastard," said George.


	7. Horses ass

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 07 – Horses Ass

…

Three days, that's all it had taken. Three days of regular practice. Three days to convince themselves he'd gotten the crazy out of his system. Three days to pretend that manic gleam in his eye meant something, anything else.

"I cannot believe we're doing this again," complained Angelina, trudging toward the forest with her broom over her shoulder.

"At least it's not the lake," said Katie, sullenly unable to find a better silver lining.

"Hmm," said Alicia, who out of all of them should have been the most vocal, yet wasn't.

"Knut for your thought's," said Fred.

"Or are we overpaying," added George.

Alicia grinned, not at all put off by their teasing, "I spose I haven't told you yet."

"Told us what?" the twins echoed.

"I sent that cocoon to my aunt," she said. "Her husband studies magical creatures, I thought he might get something out of it. I was wrong."

"Oh?"

"Do tell."

"He never even saw it. Turns out my aunt knew what it was, acromantula silk."

"That's what Wood called them," Harry remembered, the events still fresh in his mind.

"Come to find out, acromantula silk is very valuable."

"Oh!" A hint of green appeared in the eyes of her fellow chasers.

"She said she'd let me know once she was able to sell it. Looks like I should be in for quite a windfall."

"Congratulations Alicia," said Harry, genuinely happy for her.

The twins were a bit more forward and much less subtle, sandwiching the chaser between them. "Have we told you you're our favorite chaser."

"Number one, hands down."

Being the clever girl she was, Alicia saw right through their pitiful ploy. "Now boys, don't go thinking I'm going to change just because I'm going to be rich."

"What!?"

"We would never!"

"Unthinkable."

"Preposterous."

Eyeing her fellow chaser like an especially lowly bug, "Wish I hadn't frozen that stupid thing," Katie grumbled.

"Well, we are going back in," said Angelina, warily eyeing the approaching tree line."

"You're not seriously suggesting what I think you're suggesting," said Katie with an incredulous look.

"Just saying, if it does happen…"

Katie shook her head and sighed, "Nope. No amount of money is worth going through that again."

"May not have a choice, look."

Wood was leaning casually against a massive tree as they approached, a large burlap sack at his feet and his broom within easy reach. Smart man.

"See your all here. Good, good good."

"Cut the crap Wood," said Angelina sharply. "We've done this song and dance before."

"Ah hah! You only think you have," said Wood. Giving his bag a kick, it tipped over, spilling its contents which swiftly made their escape into the woods.

"What the bloody hell!" exclaimed Angelina.

"Tennis balls," said Harry, to everyone's astonishment but Wood's. "Those were tennis balls, weren't they?"

Wood nodded, "Took me three days to set this all up," he said with a proud smile.

"Set up what, exactly?" asked a leery Katie.

"Today, everyone's a seeker. I set a large trail through the forest that our 'snitches' will stay within. Get all fifty back in the bag and we're done."

"You said 'you' set the trail?" inquired Alicia with a suspicious look.

"Far away from the spiders, promise," he said. "We're probably skirting centaur territory, but at least we don't have to worry about them trying to eat us."

"Well now we do," mumbled Fred.

"Just cuz he said we don't," added George.

The team rumbled with a collective groan, but their captain was hearing none of it. "Mount up! We got fifty snitches to catch, unless you wanna be out here all night."

There was a silent agreement among the team, if they could make it look like an accident no one need ever know. Yet despite their plotting and scheming they followed their mad captain into the forest to chase flying tennis balls. And yes, it is as silly as it sounds.

The tennis balls flew like real snitches, darting this way and that, ducking between branches and skimming around trees. Harry, as the teams full time seeker, could say with some authority, this was worse than normal.

Chasing one snitch around a wide, open pitch was a cake walk by comparison.

Every other minute someone wound up unmounted from their brooms. The tennis balls were faster than Wood, which rendered their previous experience in the forest useless, and they could fit through much tinier spaces which made doggedly pursuing them something of a hazard. More than the usual amount of hazard.

It surprised no one that Harry was the first to catch one, barley avoiding a header into a tree. It surprised everyone but Wood how desperately it tried to escape him before he got it into the bag.

"What's the deal Wood!" shouted Fred.

"Real snitches don't do that!" exclaimed George.

"That's why it's called training," their captain shot back. "If you can do this, the game should be easy."

There was sense to his statement, smell most likely, and the twins continued to grumble as they made death defying dives and fabulous feats of flight in pursuit of their captain's latest lunacy.

The sun was getting low and they'd still twenty balls to find when it happened. You know, that 'it'. The it that turns this bit into a two parter.

They'd wandered again, far into the forest, farther than any students should have been. The twins were flying low, hunting the elusive neon balls, when quite suddenly they were yanked off their brooms.

Landing with a dual "Oomph!" the pair of gingers found themselves staring up at a pair of men, attached to horses.

" " Oh balls!" "

Crying for help, their team soared to the rescue only to retreat under a hail of arrows.

"What the hell was that for!"

"This cannot be happening again."

But it was, as the sound of two young men being dragged through the forest proved.

"Well, I hope you all got your wands," said Wood, "cuz it looks like we're going to war with the centaurs."


	8. To war

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 08 – To War

…

"Should we, I mean really?"

"Seems like a waste not to."

"But centaurs, centaurs with arrows!"

"You'd really leave them? Really!"

"I'm not saying we shouldn't do something but 'this'!"

"If it were Wood, I'd understand."

"I agree, if it were Wood, I'd already be back of the castle in bed."

"You know I'm sitting right here."

The three chasers pretended to be surprised when their captain spoke up. They weren't, of course, but images must be maintained.

"Why do we need to go after them?" insisted Angelina. "Why don't we just go tell Dumbledore, or Hagrid, and let them sort it out."

"Sort what out?" demanded Wood. "They attacked us for no reason."

"How do we know?" said Katie.

"You said we were close to their territory. Maybe they thought we were invading."

"Oh come on!"

"They could!"

Harry watched silently as his teammates bickered. Having met actual centaurs before he wasn't all that worried about the twins. The centaurs though, he was a little worried about them. And at the same time, he was almost certain the girls were arguing about the rescue just to spite Wood, they were just in that kind of mood.

Everyone was annoyed with him, but they were the ones who'd almost been eaten.

They weren't paying him any mind, so he floated off in the direction the centaurs had gone. He'd rescue the twins. He had a plan. And if they tried shooting at him, he'd just have to show them why he was the youngest seeker in a century.

…

"This is outrageous!"

"You can't keep us here!"

"I want my lawyer!"

"I want a sandwich!"

"No tomato!"

"Hold the mustard!"

"Would you shut up already!"

Borax the centaur glared at the two humans bound at his feet. He'd always heard humans were annoying, but this was just ridiculous.

"He looks a little upset, don't you think?"

"It's the forehead vein, gives it away."

Biting back a furious retort, Borax, son of Bane, turned his back on the two captives as they continued to finish each other's thoughts. He had to hold his temper. He had to be patient.

He was the leader, of his group of friends, and he had to set an example. Tonight was an important night. Tonight he would confront the herd master with the invaders he'd caught and demand action.

He knew he wasn't the only one who resented the wizards. His father spoke of it often. Well, now they'd have to do something. This time there'd be no ignoring it.

"My butt itches."

"You should have scratched it before we were captured."

"Grr!" If he didn't kill his captives first.

Fortunately, for all parties involved, it wasn't long before Magorium, elder and master of the herd, entered the camp. He was flanked by Borax own father Bane, and his uncle Firenze who glared fiercely on seeing his captives.

"Foolish foal! What have you done?"

He'd expected this reaction from his uncle and prepared to launch into his grand, and well-rehearsed, speech. The sudden appearance of a flying creature composed of a tangled mess of vines with flaming blue hair forcibly shoved the words back down his throat where he promptly choked on them.

"What the scary hell!" screamed Fred, or maybe it was George. In the ensuing panic it was hard to tell.

Taking advantage of the chaos, the flaming blue haired monster… or maybe it was the blue flaming haired monster, waved its viney hand. Without warning, the majority of those on the ground found themselves sliding around like they were on the worlds slickest ice rink.

Borax squealed like a newfound gelding as he slid past his captives while blue fire rained down around him.

"My but this evening has got strange."

"Indeed, most strange."

One particularly daring, or stupid, centaur tried to shoot the monster out of the sky. Drawing back his bow he let the arrow fly, the force of the shot sending him sliding backward, "Yeeeeeeee!"

His shot was true and would have connected if the monster hadn't pulled a flip at the last second, snatching the arrow out of the air. Subsequently, the maneuver also threw up the tangled mess of vines, revealing the form beneath.

"Hey! That's just a wizard!" shouted Borax, impotently flailing.

"And you're just a horse's ass!" the wizard shouted back.

"That voice."

"Sounds familiar."

Double gasp, " "Harry!" "

Flying in low, Harry, covered in vines with blue flames on his head, threw a quick cutter at the ropes binding the twins. As they scrambled free, Harry zeroed in on the panicking centaur holding their brooms.

He squealed, flinging the brooms into the air when the spell hit him and began squirming and prancing around, whinnying like an excitable colt.

"Heads up boys!"

The twins snatched their brooms from the air and were in the process of mounting when the rest of the team arrived.

"Harry!" called Oliver. "What happened?"

"You were taking too long," said the viney wizard with the blue flaming hair.

"Well you certainly made a mess," he observed.

Looking down at the helplessly sliding centaurs and the small pond of blue belle fire doing the same, he couldn't help but grin.

"Should teach them to do that again," said Fred.

"And if it doesn't," added George, "we've probably got a few ideas."

Zipping away on their brooms, the Gryffindor quidditch team never looked back. If they had, they would have seen three centaurs staring after them.

"Unbelievable!" said Bane hotly.

"I believe it," said Magorium, observing the fallout, or fall down, with his own eyes.

"It serves that foolish colt right," said Firenze.

Bane had no response for that. Such foolishness was purely reserved for the young. Why did it have to be his though?

"I wonder," said the elder. "Firenze? Did you recognize any of them?"

He nodded, "The captives were Fred and George of the Weasley herd. I have seen them wander the forest many times."

"And the one who came to rescue them. Who was that?"

"Harry Potter."

Bane snorted disdainfully, "The one that rode you like a mule."

"Truly?"

"I have never ridden a mule," said Firenze, "so I wouldn't know if I had ever been ridden like one."

"You know what I mean," snapped Bane.

"Uranus is awfully bright tonight."

The two looked up at the non-sequitur from their elder. "No it isn't," said Bane after a moment's observation.

"Hm, must be 'your anus' then."

The resounding smack of palm hitting face echoed across the chaotic clearing. "Father," groaned Firenze. "Your puns."

The old horse said nothing, staring into the starry sky with the biggest grin across his face.


	9. Undeterred

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 09 – Undeterred

…

"Does it feel like everyone's staring at us."

"Just your imagination."

No, it was not her imagination despite George's assertion, Katie was certain of that. Though the events of the previous morning had certainly seemed like a flight of fancy, or a bad dream after an even worse taco.

Having a group of angry centaurs march into the great hall and promptly surrender to the Gryffindor quidditch team was the last thing anyone had expected with their breakfast. More than a few people had dropped what they were eating in order to more properly gape.

Professor McGonagall had not been among them.

While the headmaster bustled forward to get the whole story, their head of house had simply given them all the most piercing stare she could muster. If such could be weaponized it would change the face of warfare forever.

And as if being surrendered to and stared into the floor by their house head wasn't enough, there had been, the other thing.

Needless to say they had been outright banned from using the forest for quidditch practice. Most of the team agreed it should have been a given, but their captain needed it spelled out. They'd also been granted permission to beat it into him if necessary. That part at least they'd been excited about.

Finding out they were going back to the lake, not so much. But they hadn't yet the proper amount of mutiny in them to simply disobey, so off they'd trudged, like men to the gallows.

Approaching the lake, they were cheerily greeted by 'the other thing', "Hello!"

"Hello Filene," the team replied with something less than the enthusiasm of the little centaur girl.

Filene had been given to them as a 'hostage' to ensure the good behavior of the centaurs. More specifically she'd been given to Harry, who had almost single handedly won the 'battle' as they were calling it. Harry had been terrified, not of Filene who was cute as a button, but of the threat of expulsion hanging over his head. This made the car incident look like a mild infraction.

Fortunately, it was agreed the whole thing was Wood's fault and the team now had a new mascot. A mascot who could not have been more excited to be there. "You won't believe what he's been doing it's so amazing and he was flying and there's this giant thing in the water and, and…"

It was hard not to grin at the excitable filly. She was just so, chirpy.

"Maybe you should just show us," Harry suggested when she stopped to take a breath.

Beaming at such a brilliant idea, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him all the way to the beach where his captain stood waiting. Smiling at his seeker, he then turned to his mascot, "So where's the rest of them?"

Dropping the seeker, the little centaur filly galloped back for the rest. "She's certainly eager," Wood noted, ignoring his seeker's groaning.

The rest arrived in short order, it only took dragging both Fred and George simultaneously to get the chaser's down to the beach before she could come back.

"Glad you could all make it."

"That makes two of you," Alicia griped, eyeing Wood and the super excited centaur.

"So, what is it this time?" said Fred. "More fun with the squid?"

"Sadly no, he's just watching today," and a massive tentacle waved from the center of the lake. "Today is passing drills, you see the rings?"

About two feet across, there was an even dozen of the simple circles hovering at various levels and angles over the water. Some 'just' over the water.

"Every pass must go through a ring."

"Seems simple enough," said Katie who really should have known better by now.

"And to simulate enemy interference."

The team cringed when Wood pulled an old folded up checker board from his pocket. They very nearly leapt out of their skin's when he pressed a corner square and a powerful geyser blasted from the lake.

"You can thank Professor Flitwick for this one," said Wood, oblivious to the horror his team was expressing. "Never would have been able to put this together without his help."

A sour disposition began fermenting in the Gryffindor quidditch team toward the diminutive professor. Unsurprisingly, it would be the twins who would act upon it, but that's for later.

"Well, what're you all standing around for? Let's go!"

"He's trying to kill us. For real this time, he's trying to kill us." Her morbid statement was not factually accurate, but as the team lay on the beach hours later, abandoned by their far too chipper captain and ever eager mascot, it was hard not to think Alicia was right.

"I gotta ask," she said, "What did any of us ever do to Flitwick."

"Nothing compared with what we're gonna do to him." The statement, which normally would have been quite ominous, sort of lost something with Fred having barely the energy to wheeze.

"I won't need to bathe for a week after this," said Katie, so waterlogged she couldn't even peel herself from the ground.

"I don't think I have enough skin left to wash," said Angelina who'd taken more blasts than anyone else.

"Still worried about being expelled after this Harry?"

The seeker pondered the question of the Weasley twin that was not Fred, "I'll have to get back to you."

"This has got to stop!" shouted Alicia, well sort of. Like Fred she was so exhausted her exclamation came out as just slightly above a whine. They got the point though.

"If you've got an idea, we're all ears," said Katie to a round of nods, that being the most anyone was able to do.

"It's time we put our dear captain through his paces," she said. "It won't be easy, he won't go willingly you can be sure of that."

"So we don't give him a choice," said George, the gears in his head already turning.

"Then we're all agreed?"

"AYE!"


	10. Your turn

Hogwarts a History – Quidditch training for dummies  
Chapter 10 – Your turn

…

"What's that you're working on Lav?"

Looking up from her project, Lavender Brown smiled at her roommate, "Hoverboard."

The common room was crowded that evening. Not for any specific reason other than it seemed to have been agreed upon that this was the place to be. As such, space was at a premium which made Lavenders overlarge plot overlarge noticeable.

"I see, I see," said Parvati, nodding her head sagely. "And a, what pray tell, is a hoverboard?"

Lavender giggled at her friend standing their trying to act smart. She wasn't fooled, but it was still cute. "My dad showed me this American flick over the summer," she said.

"It was the second of a trilogy, but he couldn't get a hold of the others. Great flick anyway, it was all about time travel and they went to the future and people rode around on hoverboards.

"I thought that just looked bloody wicked and it occurred to me, I bet I could do that with magic."

"So, how's it going?"

The blonde girl wilted a little. "Not as good as I had hoped," she admitted ruefully. "Who knew it would be so hard to make this stupid plank hover off the ground."

"Maybe Flitwick could help," Parvati offered.

Lavender shook her head, "Uh uh. No teachers. I wanna do this myself."

Smiling at her friend's determination, "One last question then," said Parvati. "What is a flick?"

Sitting in a high-backed chair turned away from his two housemates, Harry grinned listening to their conversation. It was nice to hear what the others were up to. It certainly beat what he was up to.

The Gryffindor quidditch team, sans captain and mascot, were sequestered in a small corner plotting the demise… ehem, the appropriate punishment of their wayward captain.

"It's gone too far," Alicia was saying. "The spiders should have been enough, and I'm will to chalk that up to bad luck. The rest though…"

"I'm not sure we can blame Wood for the centaurs," said Katie. "Not after what Filene told us, but I agree, this insanity needs to stop."

"If he keeps it up, we won't be fit to play Ravenclaw, never mind Slytherin."

Ravenclaw, all agreed, being the worst team at Hogwarts.

"So, we're all agreed then?"

Everyone nodded except Harry who had but one concern with their scheme, "You still haven't said what you're planning to do to him."

Alicia stared blankly at the seeker, "Uh…"

"You don't even know, do you?"

The chaser flushed under her team's scrutiny, "Just, thought we'd, beat him or something," she mumbled.

"Oh Alicia," said Fred as the whole team gave a disappointed sigh.

"Such a lack of creativity," added George.

"And I suppose you two have a better idea!" She regretted the exclamation almost immediately, even without seeing their evil grins. Of course, they had an idea. It was Fred and George.

"We seek to enact justice."

"And there is poetry in justice."

"Therefore, our justice must be poetic."

"We're not gonna kill him, are we?"

Their lack of reply did nothing to assuage the seekers concern.

…

Morning dawned wet and cool. A light fog hung over the surface of the lake. Lying on his bed, Oliver Wood wrinkled his nose, then scrunched his face, "Who left the window open?"

Drunkenly flailing about to itch his nose he let his arm flop to the side, hand hanging off the edge of his bed and into the water.

Approximately three seconds later his sleep muddled brain connected the right circuit's, causing him to sit bolt upright, only to slam back down when he almost headbutted one of the circling bludgers.

"What the bloody hell," he squeaked, finding himself surrounded by water with two smashy balls circling just overhead.

"Good morning Wood!" On shore his team waved at him cheerfully which belied the black bags under their eyes.

"Guys! What's going on?'

"We thought you weren't getting much out of these little practices," said Fred.

"So we decided to set up a practice just for you," said George, casually leaning against Fred.

" "Just our way of showing our appreciation." "

"Aren't I uh, missing a little something then," he shouted, frantically trying to figure a way out of his predicament while the bludgers circled overhead like vultures.

"Look to your left!"

Glancing to the aforementioned side he found his broom hovering calmly at the edge of his bed.

Alright, fine then, but that still didn't explain, "Why are the bludgers circling like that?"

"Uh, we don't know," admitted Fred.

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, they're not ours," said George.

"They just showed up a few minutes ago and started doing that," said Fred.

"The prodigal bludgers have returned," Alicia threw in.

They did look a bit worn and leafy, Wood thought.

"You should probably get on your broom Wood," said George.

"You have about, oh, sixty seconds before your bed goes under the water, and I warn ya, it's not exactly swimming temperature."

Imagination interpreting the gentle rocking of his bed as something else, he made a lunge for his broom. That was when everything went mad.

Screaming like a banshee, he rocketed into the air on a jet of Scottish cold water, discovering what it felt like to mount a broom midair, soaking wet, and completely naked.

"Oh! I didn't need to see that," said Alicia, feigning disgust.

"I did," said Katie, feigning nothing.

"Guys!" What am I supposed to do?" cried Wood, too confused to realize he was on his broom and could just fly to shore.

"Get the quaffle!" shouted Fred, pointing to the ball floating in the middle of the lake.

There was a nasty surprise waiting for him when he did, but their rogue bludgers decided they'd make him work for it first.

"Wow! That does not look like fun," said Harry, watching the two bludgers doggedly pursue his naked captain.

"Something must have gone wonky on their enchantments," said Fred as one nearly clipped Wood in the head.

"Yeah, they're not supposed to hunt you like that," said George, wincing when one sent Wood into a spin as he neared the quaffle.

Steadying his trajectory, his fingers were inches from the ball when a deep rumble shook the water.

"Cue the squid."

Erupting from the water in a mass of flailing tentacles, the giant squid made his appearance, blasting water into the air along with the quaffle and a squealing, panicking Oliver Wood.

"Good catch," commented Angelina when Wood's flailing managed to get his hand on the quaffle.

The rest of the team nodded their agreement. "Should I throw out the snitch?" asked Harry.

"Nah," said Fred. "Wait till he loses the quaffle."

"Hey! You think he's gonna learn anything from this?" asked Katie while Wood again went screaming into the air on jets of frigid water.

"He'd better," said Fred.

"Or we might need a new captain, if you catch my drift," said George.

"You mean we'll vote him off the team, right?" said Katie.

"Uh…"

"Sure. Let's go with that."

Unconvinced, Katie conjured her best McGonagall glare, patent pending, and tried to brow beat the two deviants into behaving. Lacking the power of a true McGonagall she was only starting to crack them when she was interrupted by the arrival of the mascot.

"Hey! Hey, why didn't you tell me you were out here?" she yelled, galloping up to them.

"Uh, we were…" trying to teach our captain a lesson, they couldn't really tell her.

"I'm supposed to be your hostage," she cried, ignoring their hedging. "You can't just leave me alone. The herd stays together."

No one was sure how to respond to that, anymore than they knew what they should be doing with a hostage, so it was lucky that Wood screaming into the air again distracted her.

"Whoa! What's he doing? Is this training?"

"Uh, yeah, training," said Fred.

"Special training," added George, "just for Wood."

"Wow!" she exclaimed with sparkling eyes. "You guys are just the best."

"Ah, well…"

"It's just how we are, ya know."

The rest of the team stood silent as Fred and George continued slinging the biggest load of bullshit any of them had ever heard. Privately, they all sent up a prayer to the nearest deity listening that this little stunt would teach their captain a lesson. They couldn't count on her wide-eyed, youthful naivety a second time.

Sadly, the only god listening was Loki, and he was bored. Oh boy.


	11. Second Arc - Children are cruel

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 01 – Children are cruel

…

Harry Potter was not having a good year. He'd been walking on eggshells ever since the car incident, his defense teacher was a bozo who wouldn't leave him alone, his quidditch captain had lost his mind, and he was a part-time tour guide to a cute little centaur.

… Okay so that last one wasn't so bad. The Gryffindor quidditch team's 'hostage' was an energetic, chirpy ball of enthusiasm with an infectious sort of happiness. Too bad Harry seemed to be immune. For all her cheery good nature she was a constant reminder of how close he'd come to crossing that line, and barely two weeks since it had been drawn.

Harry Potter was not having a good year. And, as is so often the case, he never considered the possibility that someone else might be having it worse till he ran into them.

His first clue came in the form of a wand, not his, lying on the floor with nary a witch or wizard in sight. What an odd thing to find in an empty hall, despite there being a school full of them.

Going to call out, hoping the owner was nearby, he froze at the softest whisper of a sound, so soft he thought he might have imagined it. Holding his breath, he listened. The sound came again, and this time he was sure of it. It was a sound he knew too well. A sound he had learned not to make long ago. Someone was crying. But where were they?

The hall was empty, just a long narrow corridor of nothing. The sound came again, it was close, just to the right. But there was nothing there. He stared at the wall, eyes sliding subconsciously to the left or right.

Something was wrong. There was something there, but he couldn't see it, or more accurately, couldn't look at it. It was like someone didn't want him to notice whatever it was. But he knew it was there and he refused to give up, even as his head began to ache.

He wasn't sure what did it, but quite suddenly, there it was. A tiny door no bigger than a broom cupboard, and the crying was coming from the other side.

His teeth clenched, almost biting his tongue. He tried the handle, but it was locked. No problem, he knew how to handle that.

"Alohomora!"

The lock clicked and he yanked the door open. The tiny form recoiled, sobbing into her knees, tussling her long blonde hair which fell around her. Timidly, the crying girl looked up, wide eyes staring at the dark silhouette in the doorway, "Thaddeus?"

Harry gaped, "Lulu!"

The little Lovegood sniffled, ran a sleeve across her leaking eyes, "What's a boy like you doing in a dreadful place like this?"

A small grin turned his lips at her question. It was just so Luna, "I could ask you the same thing."

"But I'm not a boy."

She smiled a little when he laughed at her joke. "Come on," he said, kneeling and offering his hand.

Timidly she took the hand. Less timidly she took the chest where she promptly buried her face. Harry froze for a moment, having no idea what her was supposed to do. He didn't know the first thing about crying girls, or not crying girls for that matter.

Deep in his lizard brain, an instinct kicked in and gently directed his arms around the crying girl, holding her till she'd no tears left to cry. "Feel better?"

"Little."

Asking her what had happened, she told him, and the longer he listened the madder he got. Apparently, Ravenclaw was full of Dudley's. Only the looming threat of expulsion stopped him from marching up to Ravenclaw tower and knocking down the door.

That and the lack of magical knowledge to pull it off, but still.

"I want to go home."

He didn't. That was actually the last thing he wanted to do and something he was actively avoiding. He understood he was weird that way though. Most people saw 'home' as a good thing, not akin to their own personal Alcatraz.

She couldn't go home of course so Harry let her cuddle his arm till there was no feeling left which seemed to help, her, not his arm. Returning her wand, he offered her a place at the Gryffindor table if she wanted, one last hug and they parted ways.

It bothered him letting her go alone but he did have places to be and there was little more he could do for her.

He knew this. She knew this. Neither one like it, and her mood was a gloomy one as she shuffled down the hall. She didn't get far though, finding it blocked by a familiar pair of hall blockers.

Luna stared like the proverbial deer in the headlights, essentially how she always looked. She'd known Fred and George since she was little. Since the days when she'd come over to play with Ginny. She wasn't afraid of them, not really. Didn't mean she wasn't prepared to run at the drop of a hat.

"We heard what happened," said Fred.

"Eavesdropped, you might say," said George.

"I might," she agreed.

The twins grinned, "We know just what you need."

She wouldn't have believed it normally, but it was true, they did know what she needed, "Mm, pudding!"

Pudding made everything better. It might not solve a problem but at least she felt less glum about it.

Sitting on the little stool in the kitchen with her pudding, she casually observed those around her. Fred and George were scheming, but it was alright, she was almost certain it was for her benefit, or at least they believed it was.

Scurrying around with a great sense of industry, the house elves were of far greater interest. Such a busy lot yet so cheerful at the same time, it beggared belief. Luna thought she understood though; she knew the secret… it was because they had all the pudding.

"Well Luna, feeling better?"

"Yes!" She had pudding.

"We've been talking about your, 'problem'," said Fred.

"And we think we've come up with a solution," said George.

"More pudding?"

Sigh, " "No Luna." "

"Aw!"

"As we see it, your options are as follows."

"You can take disproportionate revenge on those who've wronged you."

"Thereby putting the fear of Merlin into them."

"And more importantly, the fear of you."

The Dark Lord Lovegood? Hmm, nah.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Probably not."

"It does have the highest chance of blowback."

"And they do outnumber you a lot to one."

"Other option."

"You put on a façade."

"Pretend to be just like them."

"And wait for them to find someone else to pick on."

"NO!" she said, without second thought. "I'll take option one before I do that."

She'd never changed herself in order to be popular, she wasn't about to start now.

The twins nodded as though they'd expected her response, "Well then, that just leaves option three."

"This one was our favorite."

"It will involve great cunning."

"Mastering the art of stealth."

"Espionage."

"Sabotage."

"Infiltration."

"Assassination."

"You."

"Must become."

" "A Ninja!" "


	12. Guide to ninja

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 02 – Guide to Ninja

…

Ninja, legendary warriors of the Japanese isles. Secret agents of powerful warlords; there and gone without a trace.

That was how the twins described them anyway, in their back and forth twin speak that was something like watching a tennis match. It sounded like a great idea, unfortunately that was as far as it went.

They'd only heard of ninja in passing and thought they were cool. They knew nothing of how they trained, the tools they used, the skills they learned. She'd needed another pudding after that revelation.

Pondering over pudding, she decided the best course of action would be to ask her father. He was a little batty, but not a bad sort, and as an investigator he was an excellent choice for hunting down information.

She wrote him a letter while she was doing her charms homework in the library. Her book had gone AWOL, so she was using one of the libraries copies.

She was very careful in how she worded her missive. Much as she would have loved for her father to come and save her, it wasn't what she was writing him for, and she didn't want him to rush in like a fool and embarrass her.

Sure, it was his fatherly duty, to embarrass her, but it was also her daughterly duty to stymy him in this whenever possible.

Finished to her satisfaction, she returned to her room and tucked it under her pillow to mail in the morning, stowing her homework in her trunk before crawling into bed.

Waking early to avoid her roommates, she opened her trunk to find her homework torn to shreds and several of her socks mysteriously vanished. Fighting back tears and resisting the urge to blame a rogue hephalump, she collected her things, grabbed her letter and headed for the library to redo her homework.

Well behind schedule, she left the library intent on the owlery only to run into Harry, whom she called Thaddeus, looking appropriately haggard after morning quidditch practice as he headed to breakfast with the spoils of his victory over the centaur's clip clopping along beside him.

It was a surprise encounter though hardly unwelcome and after she explained where she was going, he offered to let her use his owl. Moved by his generosity she was forced to squeeze him till she heard something pop, at which point she said she'd be more than happy to accept his offer.

She was a lovely owl his Hedwig, and only a little bit testy. He explained she was still mad at him after the 'car incident', which then entailed an explanation of that. It was quite the story, and she rightly placed most of the blame for it on Ron.

He disagreed, which just proved you could ignore what was right in front of your face if you just squinted hard enough.

Of course, she and Ron had their own history, little of it good, none of it forgotten. A fact he proved with an odd scowl when she sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast. It was odd because his mouth was stuffed full of eggs and toast which contorted his face in ways not typically conducive to scowling.

By the time his mouth was empty she was already smearing jam across her sausage thus the time to comment had passed. Didn't stop him from scowling at her the whole time she was there but that was alright. Perhaps one day he'd get over that chess game, but she wasn't holding her breath.

Two days later, while putting banana slices on a piece of peanut buttered toast for her barely cognizant friend, the mail arrived, and a lovely white owl winged down to their table with a sizable parcel in her grip.

Landing next to the messy head of hair with its face in the table, the owl hooted expectantly. When no response came, she hopped off her delivery and onto the black mess.

"He really has been working hard," said Luna, balancing a plate of bacon on his head to which the owl gave an appreciative hoot.

It was a nuisance carrying her parcel around all day, but the risk of leaving it in her dorm was simply too great. She'd lost more socks and one left shoe since she'd sent her letter. It was only fortunate she'd brought two pairs, or she'd be walking around barefoot.

Sequestered in the library late that evening, while the Gryffindor quidditch team once again tried to survive their captain, she at last opened her parcel to see what her father's investigation had turned up.

There were several books, all with interesting titles. The book of five rings, The art of war, Madam Kyrie's pillow book, Squirrel raising for fun and profit.

She had no idea what rings, or pillow's, or squirrels had to do with ninja, but the one about war sounded promising. It wasn't, she really should have known. Sun Tzu was hardly a Japanese name was it. Probably Korean.

The book of five rings came next and while there was plenty of useful tidbits, just like the Korean book, nothing about being a ninja.

Madam Kyrie's pillow book was closed almost as soon as it was opened. What was her father doing sending her that sort of thing? The next time she saw him she would need to give him a very stern talking to about what was and was not appropriate for his pre-teen daughter.

The squirrel book she had little faith in from the beginning but after the pillow book she needed something to help her forget. It certainly did that. Concluding whoever had written it must have been mad, or a genius, or a mad genius, she added it to her pile then sat there pouting.

It's a little-known fact, Lovegood's are prolific pouters, but even they must practice.

It was disappointing, the failure. They were all interesting books, mostly, but not a single one had anything to do with being a ninja. Had he simply misunderstood? Had she been to subtle?

Propping an elbow on the empty parcel caused it to flip over, dumping out one more small book she hadn't noticed before.

Putting her pouting on pause, she collected the book for a closer examination. There was no title, just a black cover with stylized red clouds. The authors name was not 'written' on the cover but lightly embossed, practically invisible unless you looked at it just right.

"The Shadow," she read. "Alright Mr. The Shadow, let's see what you have to say."

Opening the book, she began to read. And read. And read. There was more there than one would have thought at first glance and the more she read the more the other books made sense, even the pillow book.

They were supplementary materials. Expanding on something in the nameless text. He hadn't goofed, she wasn't too subtle, it was perfect.

It was three a.m. when she snuck out of the library and up to Ravenclaw tower. She was tired but she couldn't sleep. Her mind was racing with plots and plans and plans of plots. She needed to focus, get her head on straight.

*sniff, sniff*

She also needed a shower, so that could come first. But as she hid her new books under the covers of her bed and trotted off to bathe, she was smiling. An idea was there, forming. She didn't quite know what it would look like yet, but she had an idea, and she would make it work or her name wasn't Luna Selene Lovegood.

"So this better work cuz I don't wanna change my name."


	13. The art of stealth

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 03 – The art of stealth

…

A wise man once said, "walk softly, and carry a big stick," or something like that. Beginning her training in the way of the ninja, she found stealth to be the most appropriate place to start.

She'd spent the morning silently trailing her fellow first years. She thought she was doing quite well till one of them turned and said, "Are you still here."

Apparently, it wasn't that they hadn't noticed her, but that they were pretending she didn't exist. That wouldn't do. She'd never learn to be stealthy if people were going to ignore her.

Though by that same token, she couldn't exactly ask people if she could follow them around without their noticing. It was a problem, a conundrum even.

"This calls for a good long pout."

So, she pouted on the problem, and when that didn't work, "Maybe a pudding would help."

It didn't, give her any further insight into her problem, though that's not to say it didn't help, "Mm, pudding."

Calm, thoughtful, and full of pudding, she left the kitchen, still unsure of what to do but too full of pudding to care. Spotting a bird on the windowsill distracted her momentarily and she smiled at the chirpy little creature. Taking a single step toward it the bird spotted her and darted away.

"Oh poo!" was her first reaction. Her second was something like an epiphany, a lightbulb going on, or it could have just been the sconce on the wall. Regardless, she had an idea.

Animals, unlike people, wouldn't ignore her, and she didn't need to ask if she could follow them around without them noticing. She either would or they'd run away. Brilliant!

"This calls for a celebratory pudding!"

Now properly stuffed with pudding, Luna decided to skip dinner and go outside to continue her training. To her dismay, there was a depressing lack of wildlife.

"Drat!" Her training hinged upon her ability to locate something to stalk, which lead her to the edge of the forest.

Student's weren't supposed to go into the forest. They said it was dangerous, but this didn't phase her. Luna Lovegood laughed in the face of danger, which wasn't nice, and he really didn't appreciate it, but she did it anyway.

Quoting that old famous line, she found herself a big stick and walked softly into the woods.

"My but it got dark all of a sudden."

The golden rays of the setting sun vanished in the high foliage, casting the forest in shadow and gloom. Perfect! This would make stalking that much easier. Now all she had to do was find something stalk worthy.

Easier said than done.

There were many creatures whose vision was acclimated to the dark, sadly Luna's were not on that list. She stumbled around through the brush like the worlds tiniest, loudest troll. It was shameful really. She'd been on safari with her father numerous times. She was better in the bush than this.

"It must be the pudding," she realized.

Wobbling around through the murky wood she rather felt like she was a pudding. In the shadows, something else was having similar thoughts.

Eight glassy eyes watched, and eight long spindly legs crept. It was hungry, so hungry. It could hardly remember the last time it had eaten. Life had been difficult for it, ever since the unicorn.

Before that, life had been easy. She was one of her father's favorites and he did spoil her so. But that was then, before. Now she was on her own, and she was so hungry.

This one was young, clumsy, foolish. She had wandered into the forest, now she would never leave.

Luna was having similar thoughts, but for different reasons. She'd wandered into the forest looking for something to stalk, and she would find something gosh darned it and she wouldn't leave till she did.

She had second thoughts when something found her, leaping from the bushes with the strangest battle cry she'd ever heard. Made of pudding she may have been, that didn't stop her from ducking the highly telegraphed flying tackle.

Her eight-legged attacker scree'ed over her head and landed heavily in a bush, tangling its legs in the branches and giving Luna a moment to observe it.

"What, are you?" From the waist down it looked like some sort of spider, acromantula if she wasn't mistaken. It was from the waist up where things got complicated, because from the waist up it looked like nothing less than a young girl.

She was covered in mud and detritus which hid most of her short-cropped hair, the little that wasn't was silvery white. The eyes were strange, not just in that there were eight of them, but they were black, glassy like a bug. No thing human ever had such eyes.

Luna had no idea what this creature that attacked her was, but by the way she was thrashing about, it seemed likely she wasn't through. Putting her big stick to use she gave the spider, girl, thing, a good crack upside the head. This freed her from the bush but only because it knocked her prone, legs flailing in fear and confusion.

Not being of a violent nature Luna took pity on the struggling creature and allowed her the time to stand before speaking in a firm clear voice, "I wouldn't try that again if I were you."

The spider girl thing must have seen something in those big, wide eyes. She shuffled uncertainly, then turned and fled, crashing noisily through the underbrush.

Luna waited till the crashing had faded below the ambient racket before breathing a sigh of relief, "Perhaps it's best I work on my stealth somewhere else," she supposed. "Though I really must wonder what her story is. I'll bet it's terribly interesting."

And so, leaving the dark spooky forest and its 'interesting' inhabitants, she returned to the castle to seek other endeavors in her pursuit of stealth.


	14. Inner Picasso

Hogwarts a History – Path of ninja  
Chapter 04 – Channel your inner Picasso

…

A ninja must master many tools; most of which they must construct for themselves. In her attempts to master the art of stealth, Luna had decided she needed to employ some proper ninja tools. This led her to a canvas, paints, and a nondescript empty corridor, staring at a wholly un-unique patch of wall.

"Hm, yes I think just a little there, mm, no, no no. Well maybe a bit more here."

Luna mumbled to herself a great deal while she painted. She was an excellent mumbler. While Lovegood's as a whole were prolific pouters, Luna Lovegood was a master mumbler. It's just the sort of thing you develop when the only person you have to talk to is yourself.

"No, not like, hm, I wonder… bah! This is not working out. I need a second opinion!" she exclaimed loud enough for the author to hear.

"Luna?"

"Eek!" she squeaked, suddenly finding a Harry within kissing distance.

"That was an overly intimate metaphor for this situation I think," she said to the author who groaned and sighed.

Not this again. Although, if I should be expecting this from anyone it's you.

"Yes, you should. So don't put him so close next time."

You won't be saying that in a few years, but as you wish.

Harry stared at Luna with a zombie like look of confusion. His shoulders hung like lead weights and his legs looked to barely be holding him up. "Why Thaddeus, you look dreadful," said Luna, bluntly honest.

"Don't let that fool ya," he said, pausing to yawn, "I feel dreadful."

"Quidditch?"

He nodded, almost off. Luna gently patted his poor weary head. Despite their efforts to teach him a lesson, Oliver Wood had not learned and continued to push his team beyond reason. Harry came to breakfast most mornings doing the zombie shuffle, the latest dance craze, before face planting into his breakfast.

Ron complained it was a terrible waste of food.

"Where's your hostage?" she inquired in an effort to keep him conscious.

"With the girls," he said, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. "Their trying on cloth's. They thought people might start complaining."

"Why would people complain?" Besides the usual stupid reasons.

"I guess they just thought she should cover up her, um, girly bits."

"Do you think she should?"

Harry shrugged, "Not really much to cover up now. Maybe when she gets older. She's actually the same age as me."

An impish grin crossed her face, "Maybe their hoping you'll marry her."

She could have tittered at the way he choked and babbled. It wasn't uncommon in the old days, though she didn't for a second believe that's why she was there.

Amused by his innocence, she decided to tease him a little more, "Do you think people would complain if I didn't cover up my girly bits?"

"Uh,wha ba de… yes! Yes, I'm pretty sure someone would complain."

"Would you?" It was probably unfair batting her eyelashes on top of the question, but his reaction was well worth it.

Surprisingly, once he got his gawping under control, instead of babbling he chose to dodge, "So, uh, what's this then?"

She smiled at the way he stared at her work rather than at her. It was a good dodge, "It's supposed to be a chameleon tarp. I'm afraid it's not coming out how I wanted."

"Chameleon tarp? So, it's supposed to look like… the wall?"

The uncertainty in his question did not make her feel any better about her creation. "I was trying to embrace my inner Picasso, but he kept struggling."

"Yeah, you'd expect that from a Picasso. Moody ya know. Although, looks more Rembrandt to me."

"You think so?"

Harry shrugged. He was no expert on art, he'd just heard the name in school once. "Could be."

"At least it's not Bob Ross," to which both nodded in agreement.

"I'm thinking of one, starts with a v, van… something."

Lightning struck and Luna's eyes lit up, "Van Goh!"

"That's it."

"No wonder this hasn't been working," Luna cried. "My Picasso is a Van Goh! This calls for a whole new approach."

Collecting her paints and leaving the Van Goh tarp hanging on the wall she marched down the corridor with Harry shuffling along behind her.

"Where'd you get the paint anyway?"

"The art room."

"We have an art room?"

… some time later

"I still can't figure out how it got into his office, but when it went off, oh boy, there wasn't an inch of space it didn't cover. And you should have seen Flitwick. He looked like one of those weird impressionist paintings. Stunned, I believe."

The three girls tittered as their fourth regaled them on the latest misfortune to befall their House head and charms professor.

"Gotta feel sorry for him, don't you?"

"I'd like to know what he did to set those two off. They've been at him non-stop for almost a week now."

"Mari, their crazy. It's just that simple. And their Quidditch captain has gotten just as bad which is probably making it worse."

"Scared Cho? You'll have to play them eventually."

Cho Chang, aspiring seeker of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team scoffed at her friend's remark, leaning oh so casually against the wall. "No one expects Ravenclaw to beat Gryffindor anyway. Especially not with Potter and his Nimbus 2000 chasing the snitch."

"Might not be enough. I heard the whole Slytherin team got brand new Nimbus 2001's."

So had Cho. So had everyone at Hogwarts. It was hardly gossip. "Well since I'm not in Slytherin, I fail to see what good that does me."

Pushing off the wall, Cho felt something odd clinging to her shirt, and something slimy on her hand. "What the?" Reflexively stepping away, the world fell into darkness as something fell on top of her. Struggling against her imprisonment only made it worse as the sticky slimy inside clung to her. "HELP!"

Her friends, shocked by the sudden absurdity of the wall coming off and clinging to their friend, broke from their stupor and hurried to remove to canvas. This proved a greater challenge than they thought and by the time the got it off, Cho Change was looking like an angry Van Goh, and not a little bit like a piece of non-descript wall.


	15. Go boom

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 05 – Go Boom

…

The art of distraction is the cornerstone of a successful infiltration. A good distraction should catch attention yet be subtle at the same time. Unless your name was Fred and George Weasley, in which case subtlety need not apply.

"Coast is clear, let's go."

The two gingers, plus tag along, skulked down the empty hall in the dead of night, headed for the charm's corridor.

In the research of her ongoing project, she had thought to enlist some aid. The number of people she could go to was small, and those that could actually help her smaller still.

After painting up a proper chameleon tarp, no Picasso, she had continued on with various other ninja tools, primarily smoke bombs. It had been little work to cook up a variety of such in a myriad of scents and colors. Yellow was mustard.

This had led to the unfortunate dilemma of having nothing to use them on. It was all well and good to 'be prepared' as they say, but how was she supposed to practice proper field usage if she never went into the field?

This had led her to Fred and George who were constantly in the field as they were currently engaged in a prolonged campaign against her head of house. Her feelings on this were mixed.

She hadn't tried taking her problem to Flitwick, not knowing how involved he was with the culture in his house, and assuming, not without good reason, her snitching would only make things worse, not better. And things were already bad enough.

She'd requested a care package from her father for socks as all the one's she'd brought had disappeared. Strangely they seemed to reappear on other people's feet, which was quite puzzling.

Pragmatically putting aside her moral concerns in light of a learning opportunity, she'd approached the twins and explained her conundrum. The gingers had been delighted to help and filled her in on their latest maneuver.

"There it is."

The charms corridor had six rooms along its hall, only one of which saw regular use. Some believed there was a time when numerous charm's professors had been employed all at once, but this was no longer the case.

Now the other rooms served no greater function than practice space. A bit sad to think about but for their purposes, quite fortuitous. It made knowing which room Flitwick would be using much easier.

"Check the lock."

One of the gingers hit the door with a trio of spells, getting a three-colored response. "It's locked, can't spell it open, and if we try it'll sound an alarm."

"He's getting paranoid," said the other, pulling a couple tools from his pocket. "Won't be a minute."

Forty-three seconds later there was a click and the trio slid silently into the room. "That looked very useful," said Luna.

"Teach ya how later," said twin one.

"We'll teach you many things later," said twin two.

" "But for now." "

"Time to work," she said, adorably earnest.

Pulling off their packs, the group began pulling out various items, some of which would be easily recognized by any patron of Zonko's products. Others were far less obvious, mundane looking things but with auras of malicious surprise.

With whispered directions and an armful of Zonko's, Luna went to work rigging up a host of pranks while the twins took their stealth items and began placing them strategically around the room.

"Make sure you set those fireworks on the inside of the bench legs. We don't want to make it too easy for him to find."

"We want him to find it?" The idea perplexed her. Wasn't the point for him not to find it.

"It's a matter of misdirection Luna darling" said Fred, replacing the top book of Flitwick's standing stack with a faux one. "We know he's going to find some of them. He's too paranoid now not to."

"And he'll use magic to look for their magic because that's what we've been using, so that's what he'll be expecting," added George.

"Thus, we give him what he expects, and in a way that looks genuine."

"So he never thinks to look for anything else we've got that he isn't expecting and won't look for."

Luna pondered this, worrying her lower lip in a way that men would find quite diverting in a few years, "You give him something to look at, and that keeps him from looking at what you don't want him to look at."

"Got it in one," said Fred.

"Sharp as a tack, ain't she," said George, replacing the last tile on the wall with its replicate before returning to collect his pack. "We ready."

Luna patted her final trap before standing, "Ready." It was too bad all her work wouldn't be realized as it was intended, but if things went well, what did happen would be very funny to watch.

"Not bad for your first assignment" said Fred as they were walking away from the charm's corridor.

"Yes, very good," agreed Fred. "We'll have to arrange a time to teach you the lock picks. Dead useful that."

It certainly looked dead useful, Luna agreed. She was prevented from saying as much by the sudden arrival of a familiar feline that caused them all to freeze in their tracks.

"Mrs. Norris," Fred hissed.

"And if she's here, he won't be far behind," said George.

While the twins prepared to run Luna just smiled and pulled one of her newly made smoke bombs, the green one. The twins stared as she raised the tiny ball, matching the baleful gaze of the much-maligned menace with a satisfied grin.

"Ninja, vanish!"

…

Sometime later Argus Filch would turn up looking for his faithful student hunter to find her staggering around drunkenly, going up to suits of armor and pawing them viciously or falling down under portraits and expecting to be petted.

"Mrs. Norris, have you been in the catnip again," accused Filch.

The drugged-out cat simply stared at her person with glazed eyes and gave a weak accusatory hiss. (Don't look at me like that you purple daffodil!)


	16. To purse or not to purse

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 06 – To purse, or not to purse

…

It was an odd path that she'd chosen, that of the ninja. Leading her to places and people she'd never expected. Not once had she thought she'd be apprenticing under Fred and George Weasley. Never had she dreamed she'd be tiptoeing through the halls of Hogwarts in the dead of night for some clandestine purpose.

(Well, maybe once, but that was a naughty dream and she liked to pretend she didn't think about it sometimes.)

She had certainly never conceived she'd be sitting at dinner, surrounded by lions, when her head of house would stand on the staff table and proclaim in a loud, clear voice, "To whoever has been pranking me these past few weeks, I would just like to say this… I SURRENDER!"

No, for the show to go with her dinner, this was not what she'd expected.

"I can't take it anymore! I give up! Whatever I did I'm sorryyyyyy!" the diminutive professor cried and wailed, falling to the table kicking like a two-year-old.

"No more! No more! Every second of every day it's crash, boom, splat! So much splat! I can't handle anymore splat! No splat! No splat!"

The tiny man broke off into incoherent mumbling much to the shock of those watching, even the other members of the staff didn't know how to react, with one exception.

"There, there Filius, it's alright," cooed Hagrid, picking the little man up and cradling him like a babe.

The tiny professor continued whimpering and Hagrid gently rocked him like it wasn't a full-grown man in his arms. The last anyone saw of the odd couple they were headed for the medical wing.

The breakdown, while entertaining, had also proved the effectiveness of certain tactics over a prolonged period. Not that she really needed this demonstrated, she was living it as her housemates continued treating her like a half-blood Slytherin.

How long would it be before she too broke? Would it be as entertaining as Flitwick? She wasn't actually that curious to find out.

And in the pursuit of not finding out, she found herself, one bright Saturday afternoon, skulking around one of the deepest, darkest corners of the castle, accompanied by her favorite seeker and his hostage.

"Are we really below the ground?" asked Filene, head twitching back and forth like an over-caffeinated chipmunk.

"Sure feels like it," said Harry, stifling a yawn.

"Thank you for coming to help me," said Luna in response to the twang of guilt that flicked her ear for dragging her poor sleep deprived friend out of his bed on a Saturday.

Harry shrugged which caused his shoulders to slump a little closer to the ground. "At least if I'm down here with you I know Wood can't find me."

"I thought he was just very enthusiastic when we first met." Her curious twitching coming to a stop so she could focus on the conversation. "I'm really excited to see this game. Judging by how you practice it must be thrilling."

Luna grinned while Harry hedged. "So, what are we doing down here anyway?"

"Looking for a mimic."

"Mimic what now?"

"I've heard of those," said Filene. "They imitate other things as camouflage. Then, when you let your guard down, they eat you."

"… Well that's a… interesting link on the food chain. Why are we looking for one of these?"

"I need a purse." Didn't every woman.

"… Ya lost me Lulu. Way back there."

The girls tittered at the silly boy, even Filene who didn't know what a purse was somehow understood this was a 'oh you silly boy' kind of thing.

"I find myself needing to carry around more things than I have pockets. The solution, purse."

"Kay… Now how does the mimic work into it?"

"I'm going to turn it into a purse."

"Why not just buy a purse?"

"You mean a regular purse?"

"I… think so?"

"Well that's silly, how would it bite people?"

Opening his mouth, he promptly closed it, thinking better of his response which would only have extended the absurd conversation past the point of parody and right into gratuitous. He would have lost anyway. "You're right, what was I thinking."

"I really couldn't say Thaddeus."

*sigh*

"I've never seen a mimic before," said Filene. "How will we know when we find one?"

"With these," said Luna, tapping the overlarge spectacles covering most of her face. "They let me see magical mites like wrackspurts that are invisible to the naked eye."

"Maybe you should put some clothes on it," said Filene, looking down at the poufy white shirt she'd been given. "Wizards seem to be ashamed of naked things, which I just don't understand."

"It is rather silly," a mischievous grin lighting her lips, "don't you agree Thaddeus?"

*suspicious silence*

Before he could grow too fantastically red in the face, Luna halted them, squinting at a tall cabinet, one of many that lined the halls at random intervals, dumped out of the way some time in the past and never retrieved.

"Got something?"

"Maybe," she said. "I'm not sure how much of it is the mimic though." The wrackspurts were swarming in odd erratic patterns, some of which looked rather obscene, giving only the vaguest clue as to the thing's identity. Stupid magic bugs.

"So, what do we do?" asked Filene.

Luna pouted on it for a minute, "We need to make it reveal itself. Preferably without hurting it."

While she wondered how to go about this, Harry drew his wand and flung a muttered spell at the cabinet.

"What was that?"

"You'll see."

At first there was nothing, the spell looked to have been a dud. Then, the cabinet began to vibrate and shake. Drawers fought to remain closed, but the strain proved too much and the whole thing burst open spilling peals of laughter all over the floor.

"Tickling charm?"

"Tickling charm."

"Is that what you used on Norry. You know he spent all night giggling after you left."

Much as she was curious for the details of Harry's great conquest, first things first. "Harry, can you pull him away from the wall please."

But when Harry stepped near the mimic to apply his 'big manly muscles' the trap was sprung. The book fell off the chortling mimic, opening its covers and baring its fangs as it descended on Harry's head.

"Graaaaah!" Dropping his wand, Harry snatched at the book before it was able to make a meal of his gray matter and began a mighty struggle with the surprisingly strong little creature.

"Oh dear," remarked Luna nonchalantly.

"Don't let it go!" cried Filene, prancing about unsure what to do.

For his part, Harry knew exactly what to do and did so without hesitation. This was to hurl every foul, nasty, and uncomplimentary word, phrase, and angry guttural exclamation at the mimic he could think of. It didn't help him keep the thing off his head but that's what his arms were for.

"Oh goodness, such language," said Luna, politely blushing at his vulgarity, while mentally jotting down a few she hadn't heard before.

"What do we do? What do we do!" squealed Filene, still prancing when it became apparent Harry was losing the fight.

Luna thought for a moment. When that didn't work, she pouted, causing the answer to give itself up. "Ah hah!"

Pulling her wand, she made a slow precise motion toward the violently struggling pair. Then she did it again. And again. Scowling in frustration, "STAND STILL!"

The pair froze mid quarrel.

"Thank you." Once again, and this time with the desired effect. Lethargy seeped deep, and all at once the pair collapsed to the ground, snoring like chainsaws.

"Are they supposed to make that noise?" It was quite horrible and Filene openly cringed.

"Haven't quite gotten this spell down yet I guess. Although, it was from one of the books at home and it did mention side effects."

Despite the auditory assault, Luna was pleased as she collected the small mimic which would become her purse, but then she paused, turning her attention to the larger mimic who had laughed itself to exhaustion and was slouching against the wall panting.

It wasn't purse material, too many orifices. And yet, it seemed irresponsible to let a perfectly good conquest go to waste.

…

"Come on, hurry up."

"I'm trying, but it won't open."

"You think she spelled it?"

"Try the unlocking charm."

"I did, it didn't do anything."

"Maybe you did it wrong. Try again."

"Alohomora!"

"Well?"

"Nothing! It still won't open."

"Let me try. Come on – you stupid thing – open! Yeek!"

"What's wrong?"

"It growled at me."

"What?"

"Are you catching Lovegood's crazy now?"

"I'm telling you it growled at me!"

High above her squabbling roommates, hidden in the canopy above her bed, Luna smiled as they tried, and failed, to aid in the rebellion of any more of her clothing. "That ought to do for now," she whispered to herself before going back to the book she'd been reading. "Hmm, I wonder if the house elves can get me enough acorns for this? Hmm."


	17. Squirrel girl

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 07 – Squirrel girl

…

She stared.

He stared.

They stared.

It was a test of will. An epic struggle without the typically associated property damage. She would never give up. He would never surrender. Two would enter, but only one would leave.

"Oh sweet Merlin, what is she doing?"

The two Ravenclaws stood gawking as the epic battle waged. Their minds could not comprehend its magnitude.

"Is she having a staring contest, with a squirrel?"

"Probably the only thing around here on her level."

The two girls walked away laughing like a couple cackling hens. They'd no idea how accurate their accusation was, and how could they? They'd never tried to stare down a squirrel.

Squirrels were naturally very good at staring. Their extra-large eyes giving them a distinct advantage. An advantage Luna had spent much time and practice learning to overcome. That was why she appeared so startled to people with her big-eyed stare.

She wasn't of course, not often anyway. She'd just become so good at staring it had permanently altered the way she looked at things, how she saw them.

And at that very moment, she saw her opponent was about to break.

"Blink. Do it. Do iiiiiiiiit."

The squirrel fought to resist her entreaty. He dug down deep, deep into his vast reserves of inner strength, only to discover someone had forgot to refill the tank the last time they were at the station. Blast!

Luna grinned as the bushy-tailed rodent buried his face in his paws to hide his shame, "I win! And you know what that means."

He nodded sadly. The others had warned him, told him to stay away from her. But the acorns, he was weak. And now she owned his bushy tail, and everything attached to it.

"Oh, don't get so down," she said, opening up her purse, its teeth gleaming in the early evening light. "Go on, in ya go."

Like a man to the gallows he trudged into the hungry bag. He shrieked when the zipper closed on his dragging tail which was frantically yanked inside.

"Oh really now, that wasn't very nice."

The purse shifted slightly.

"Goodness," said Luna. "What am I going to do with you?"

Her new purse was working out remarkably well for her purpose, but that didn't stop it from having a bit of an attitude.

With a careless 'what ya gonna do' shrug, she collected her persnickety purse and went on her way. Her latest conquest made an even dozen for the day, she figured that was enough. "Better put them with the others."

Passing by a random door, she heard voices on the other side. A wild curiosity bounded from the bush, and she placed her ear against the door to better hear. The thickness of the door worked contrary to her purpose, so she carefully wedged the heavy obstruction just enough to peek inside.

There were four of them, sitting around a single table having tea. Each was made up with the utmost skill and care, their make-up simple yet tasteful, their dresses immaculate and adorable.

It was the hair though that really caught the eye though. So many ribbons. So many curls. Even with magic it must have taken hours.

"And so, I said to her, I said Alicia, he's too young for you. I know he's cute, which he totally is I think you'll all agree, but he's just not the one for you."

"And what'd she say?"

"She got real red and claimed she had no idea what I was talking about."

"De Nile is not just a river in Egypt."

The three dolls tittered while the fourth sat grumpily sipping her tea.

"She's going to drive herself crazy like that," said the blonde one.

"Lav, she's in love. She's already crazy," said the dark-skinned girl in the red dress.

"Sounds like all the fun is in your house," said her doppelganger in the blue dress.

"What about Flitwick? That should be at least a little entertaining."

The blue dress scoffed, "If he ever visited the tower, maybe. Last I heard he's still in the medical wing."

"I hope he gets better soon," said the blonde. "Not that I mind having Sir Nicholas as substitute, he's certainly better than Binns."

"You think if he's out long enough they'll hire a live person to sub?" said the red dress.

"I doubt it," said the blue dress. "Besides, I've heard he's getting better. He stopped crying yesterday."

"Hmm, well that's something. What do you think Miss Granger?"

The adorable doll with the big curls and petulant scowl, set down her teacup, "I hate you all."

Sliding the door closed, Luna shook her head at the absurdity she'd just seen. "Having tea at this time of day. Madness!"

Leaving the crazy people behind, she skulked through deserted halls till she came to her special room.

Inside, a hundred squirrels were hard at work, training. Some were squirming through too tight tubes, while others swam laps in a small pool. More still were climbing up and down the walls loaded with various bric-a-brac while dodging acorns flung by those watching.

Luna smiled watching her minions run through their drills. Soon now, they'd be ready. Soon, it would be time to make her point. And when she did, vengeance would be hers. Bwahahahahahaha!


	18. Ceiling cat

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 08 – Ceiling cat

…

"Yeeeeee! Faster! Faster!"

Filene galloped down the halls as fast as she could. Behind her, clinging to a rope tied round the centaur's waist, Lavender Brown slid across the floor on an old board.

"We're coming to the corner," Filene shouted over her shoulder.

"I'm ready," said Lavender, crouching low in preparation.

Leaning carefully into her turn, Filene rounded the corner, losing tension in the rope which did nothing to slow her cargo, unhindered by the force that is friction.

The rope had just begun to pull her in a new direction when she came to the wall. One foot came up and gently pushed her away, testing her balance as she fought to correct her path without hitting anything.

"Come on, go straight already!"

Cursing as she struggled against certain forces in the absence of others, it was all for naught when Filene called back, "There's Harry!"

With a frustrated sigh, Lavender force herself to face forward, "Catch meeeeeeee!"

Two bodies collided, and the force knocked Harry off his feet with a Lavender landing on top of him. The board continued sliding and spinning down the hall till it collided with a wall, flipped several times then landed topside down.

"Well, that didn't go quite like I hoped," said Lavender, staring wistfully at her hoverboard, first prototype.

"I thought it was fun," said Filene, trotting up, not even breathing hard.

"Oh yeah, it was," Lavender grinned. "Just way too many drawbacks. Can't motivate on its own, doesn't turn, can't stop."

"Speaking of which."

Lavender looked at the centaur who stared back expectantly, "What?" A stir and a grumble from below reminded her, "Oh! Hi Harry."

The green-eyed Gryffindor stared up at her with a look that could only be described as put upon, since it was the greater forces that had put her upon him.

"Did you know you make for a surprisingly soft landing?"

"How nice for you," he grumbled.

She tried not to laugh but his put upon face was just so cute and she didn't have a lot of restraint to begin with. Keeping it down to a giggle she got off her stop mat and helped him to his feet.

"Back to the drawing board then?"

She nodded sighing, "It wasn't a bad idea. I may still use it, but there's just too many problems."

"If at first you don't succeed."

"Give up and go home?"

"Lavender!"

She did laugh this time. The face, it was just… he really was a great straight man. "We should hang out like this more often."

Her suggestion made Harry sigh, "Wish I had that kind of time. Between homework and Quidditch."

"Yeah, don't you usually have practice right now?" she asked, collecting her board as they headed down the hall.

"Normally yes," said Harry, "but morning practice was a little rough on our 'beloved' captain."

Lavender snickered at his choice of phrase. There wasn't a person in Gryffindor who wasn't keeping a safe distance from 'Crazy Wood' as he'd been dubbed. "So, what happened?"

"He decided to loose all the bludgers again," said Harry, flinching reflexively. "It was a rough morning for all of us."

"But somehow worse for him?"

Harry nodded, a vindictive grin flashing across his face so fast she almost missed it. "Toward the end of practice, one of the bludgers started dogging him. And while he was distracted, another came up from behind and knocked him off his broom."

"The rogue's strike again." All of Gryffindor, possibly Hogwarts, knew about the runaways by this point. "You manage to catch them this time?"

Harry shrugged, "Guess they must have gotten away again."

"I can see you're really broken up over it."

All three of them had a laugh over that. Harry and Lavender because they thought it was funny, Filene because she didn't want to look like she didn't get the joke.

"What are we gonna do with him Lavender?"

"Have you tried poisoning his food?"

He hadn't (Katie and Alicia had). But before he could ponder the consequences of such an action, the universe decided to derail his train of thought with a falling Luna.

"Yeep!"

"Oof!"

"Well, don't see that every day."

Filene nodded dumbly as she and the girl named after a flower stood and watched the strangely dressed girl shake off her landing.

"Hmm, that was surprisingly softer than I thought it would be," she remarked.

"He really is, isn't he," said Lavender.

"Hello Luna," Filene threw in when the big-eyed girl stared, dazed.

"Filene!" she exclaimed, "and… um?"

"Lavender Brown," she said, offering her hand. "Your Luna, right?"

"I thought I was Luna Lovegood," said Miss right, taking the offered hand.

Lavender chuckled at what she thought was a joke and not a possible concussion. "The Ravenclaw that's always at the Gryffindor table." Luna nodded and almost tipped over. "What were you doing up there—and dressed like that." It was quite an outfit, especially the tail.

"I was a ceiling cat," she said.

"Huh?"

Pointing to the ceiling, "I was working on my Tanuki Jutsu by chasing squirrels on the ceiling."

High above, six squirrels clung to the ceiling with insulting ease, staring at those beneath them in that superior way squirrels do.

"Uh huh, I see. But, why the outfit?"

"I thought it would help me get into the spirit of it."

Couldn't fault her reasoning, the right outfit could do amazing things, "Maybe you should quit while you're ahead."

"Am I a head?" A quick inspection confirmed it was still there and she nodded, then wished she hadn't. "And while I'm thinking about it, Filene, shouldn't you be with Thaddeus?"

"M'ot addus!" someone mumbled loudly.

"What was that?" asked Luna, looking around till a hand tapped her thigh and she discovered the man between her legs. "Why Thaddeus, when did you get in there?"

Not Thaddeus grumbled a few depreciations at the universe before turning his attention to Lavender. "Lav, I don't think poisoning Wood is a good idea."

"No?"

"I know a sign when I see one. Girls don't just randomly fall on your head for no reason. I can take a hint."

"I think you're overreacting a little Thaddeus."

"Why do you call him Thaddeus?"

So, while Luna explained the intricate and highly involved theory her father had dreamt up one night after a fifth of scotch and some weird blue mushrooms, Harry lay between Luna's legs, staring at the ceiling and wondering what god he'd offended.

The answer of course was none. It wasn't necessary to offend Loki in order to be at the center of his attention.


	19. Revenge

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 09 – Revenge

…

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Luna found she much preferred her tea hot. Some might wonder at the connection between these two disparate things. Well, you keep doing that, that's fine.

It was two p.m. in Ravenclaw tower when it began. Tiny shadows scurried in the darkness, darting from room to room, silent as death but more malicious. Their purpose was twofold, hunting, and trapping.

That which had been taken would be found, and anywhere it was found, would be marked.

It took them almost an hour to find it all, a small squabble with Toppy the laundry elf drawing things out, but otherwise everything went exactly to plan. Hunting done, that just left the trapping.

Special care had to be taken, every piece specifically placed for maximum impact. This took much longer. It was almost six by the time it was finished. Nearly every room in Ravenclaw tower had been rigged.

Depressing really, to think the close mindedness was so widespread, in a house that allegedly valued thinkers.

"Well, nothing for it now." Plopping down in a squashy chair, she poured herself a cup of tea and waited for the show to begin.

The clock was striking half past six when the first awoke. It was a boy, third year. He'd been using one of her old jumpers to hide a small stack of 'questionable literature'. She'd be washing that before she wore it.

The boy tossed off his covers, carelessly swinging his feet over the bed. Slouched at the edge, he yawned a big yawn, rubbed his eyes and scratched his butt before sliding to the floor. Twice as quickly he leapt off the floor with a pained and startled shriek.

"YEOWCH!"

His exclamation woke his roommates who fumbled around in the dark panicking. One was so panicked he managed to wrap himself in his own blankets like a cocoon. He was the lucky one.

The other, having escaped his sheets, hit the floor, smashing a tiny golden sphere, and filling the room with noxious yellow smoke.

"We're under attack!" shrieked a painting on the wall as smoke and screams spewed into the hall. "Gas masks, everyone! Well send the bastards back to the Kaiser in pieces!"

The noise from the hall roused the rest of the tower, setting into motion an ever-growing wave of panic and chaos.

In the third-year girls' dorm, Cho Chang woke to find herself engulfed in impenetrable darkness. She fumbled around for something familiar but only managed to bang her arms against several different things before falling out of bed onto the hard, cold floor.

"Mari! Wake up!"

Her roommate was up and huddled in the corner of her bed in an attempt to escape the tiny grasping hands that grabbed at her in the dark. It would be well after the room was cleared before they'd get her to stop whimpering.

Downstairs, one of the prefects had manage to get through the horror of a dozen colored smokes, screaming, flailing bodies and evil bitey things he couldn't seem to catch.

Heaving breaths, legs trembling, he spotted Luna, calmly sipping tea and jumped to conclusions. It was the right conclusion but that didn't make it any less a foolish thing to do.

"YOU!" he roared, and advanced menacingly toward the first year.

Having barely taken three steps he noticed his forward advance to be a bit lacking. Looking down he found someone had turned the friction off and he was moving completely independent of his own will.

The next person down the stairs was less collected and went down sliding before they knew what had happened. Luna calmly sipped her tea as more and more of Ravenclaw fell to her well laid vengeance. She could tell listening to the curses and epithets being hurled this would not be sufficient for some.

"I do wonder if I wasn't mis-sorted," she mused as a fifth year went sliding past crying like a firsty.

A squirrel on her shoulder wearing a red bandana chittered something which made her smile. "You may be right Milton. If that's the case, there's really only one thing to do. Probably need help though. Breaking into the headmaster's office is a few steps up from where we are now."

The squirrel chittered and made several exaggerated gestures before ending with a dramatic pose.

"Well, when you put it like that, I guess there's nothing for it. We'll steal the sorting hat."


	20. The long hard path

Hogwarts a History – Path of the ninja  
Chapter 10 – The long, hard path

…

"How can you eat that?"

Luna stared at her creation proudly, "How can you not?" It contained all the major food groups, grains, fruit, bacon, syrup, and marshmallows. Plus, you could eat it with your hands. What more did you want?

"That is just disgusting," said the dentist's daughter.

"Would you like me to make you one?"

"Guh!"

"Good morning Thaddeus."

The aforementioned secret twin of Harry Potter grunted a "good morning," to his Ravenclaw friend as he flopped into his seat.

"Good morning Thaddeus!" sing-songed a voice further down the table.

Harry turned and glared at the smirking face of Lavender Brown. "Ah, stuff it you."

"I see Wood must be out of the hospital wing," said Hermione.

"It was only a minor concussion," Harry groaned.

"Next time we'll make sure."

"To hit him harder."

Sandwiching her like a pair of bookends the twins plopped down on either side of Luna and greedily grabbed for food.

"Morning Luna."

"We miss anything?"

"Not yet."

"Miss anything?" Hermione glared suspiciously, "What are you lot up to now?"

"Miss Granger, we're hurt!" said Fred.

"Why on Earth would you think 'we' were up to something?" exclaimed George.

"Because she's been around you for more than two minutes," said Harry.

"He's got a point."

"Can't really argue."

Luna smiled at the easy banter that flitted across the Gryffindor table. She'd been mis-sorted; there was no other explanation.

She didn't know why the hat had put her in Ravenclaw, but so long as she was at Hogwarts, there'd always be a dash of blue amongst the red.

"Hey look! It's Professor Flitwick!"

There was a smattering of applause as the diminutive man walked into the great hall. He nodded shakily and wrung his hands fretfully. Looking so frail he was clearly not fully recovered.

Rather than head for his seat at the staff table he stopped at the Ravenclaw table to greet some of the older students and talk to his prefects.

"Was not expecting that," said Fred.

"Thought he'd be out for at least a couple more weeks," agreed George.

"I feel a little bad for what's about to happen," said Luna. The twins nodded.

"What? What's about to happen!"

A chain of explosions running down the length of the Ravenclaw table. Food became paste that covered anything and anyone within a five-foot radius. Several people at the staff table sighed and Hagrid calmly headed for the end of the table where Flitwick stood, lost beneath a layer of pureed pancakes and ground up bacon.

"No more splat. No more splat," he whimpered as Hagrid picked him up and headed for the hospital wing.

"What a waste of food," said Ron, through a mouthful of eggs.

"Poor Flitwick," added Seamus, cramming in a piece of bacon.

"Really? That's all you two have to say?" demanded Hermione.

"Uh, yes?"

"Think that'll get the point across?" Fred whispered while Hermione was distracted by her outrage.

Luna gave a tiny shrug, "I'm not counting on it." Her own cohort got the message, they were terrified of her now and had sworn up and down they'd never pick on her again. It was just the older students that continued to poke the hornet's nest, which just went to prove wisdom did not always come with age.

The path of the ninja was long and hard, but she would walk it. At this point, what else could she do. Maybe wonder on the odd question someone chose that moment to ask.

"Hey, has anyone seen Ginny this morning?" someone asked.

"No, and I haven't seen Creevey either."


	21. Third Arc - A dream come true

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 01 – A dream come true

…

Little girls' dreams are made of things. For Ginevra Weasley, those things were called, Harry Potter.

*sigh*

Her mother had been reading her stories about the boy who lived for as long as she could remember. Longer in fact. Her memory wasn't all that great. But she remembered him.

*SIGH*

It wasn't easy being in love with a celebrity. Probably half the little girls in Britain were after him just like she was. She'd even stopped being friends with stupid Luna when she had the nerve to suggest she, and not Ginny, should be Mrs. Harry Potter.

Sure they were just playing house but there were some things that simply could not be tolerated. A man stealing homewrecker for starters.

But that was in the past. And 'she' was in 'his' house, not stupid Luna. She, Ginny Weasley, was in his house, and she, Ginny Weasley, would win his heart.

*le sigh* (That's 'sigh' in French)

She stared at him from down the table, eyes glazed, elbow firmly in the butter dish. If she could have seen herself, she would have been quite embarrassed, but she couldn't. All she could see was him.

He sat next to her stupid brother, shoving food down his stupid face hole, and that girl with the bush on her head that seemed to have her nose constantly shoved in a book. Stranger, or something like that. It didn't matter, she wasn't important.

She could tell by the way they interacted he wasn't interested. Which was good. It would have been a pain to remove her, but she would have done it. He was her Harry, and no one else could have him.

"I can't wait for Quidditch to start."

Her heart fluttered as his words trailed down to her like sweet kisses on butterfly wings. Quidditch. He loved Quidditch. Youngest Seeker in a century. Could he possibly be any more perfect?

"Hey Ginny, you wanna move your elbow?"

"Huh?" Someone was speaking to her. How rude. Couldn't they see she was basking.

"The butter dish. Your elbow."

"Oh!" well that was embarrassing. Removing her elbow, she hastily tried to clean the butter off so she could go back to leering… uh I mean, basking.

Tossing down the napkin she turned back to her idol only to be blinded by a brilliant flash. "Gah! Son of a half gnome troglodyte!"

Blinking the spots out of her vision she glared down the table at the tiny first year with the camera, chattering away at 'her' Harry. "The nerve of some people."

Unlike her crush, and her brother, who'd missed out on the sorting, Ginny had watched as her entire year were slotted into their houses before finally getting to take her own seat.

Creevey. Colin Creevey, that was his name. He'd been the first to be sorted into Gryffindor and nearly fallen off the stool getting there. She hadn't given him a second thought at the time nor since.

Apparently, she was going to have to change that. Shouldn't be too hard, they were in all the same classes. She'd quietly take him aside at some point and explain the rules to him and make unmistakably clear what would happen if he broke the rules, her rules.

And if that didn't work… maybe Tom would have an idea. Her new diary was proving an absolute godsend. How she'd managed without it she'd never know.

It was like he, got her. Really got her. She'd never felt anyone around her truly understand until she met Tom.

She'd ask him what to do. He was smart, he'd know. She was worrying over nothing. This, Creepy, or whatever his name was, would do as he was told, or learn why even her brothers knew better than to mess with Ginny Weasley.


	22. Shutter bug

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 02 – Shutter bug

…

Wizard, it wasn't a word one would have ever thought to associate with a boy called Creevey. He certainly never had. Not until the day, that day. The day a grumpy old woman had marched into his house and turned his mother's favorite coffee table into a snorting hog.

That was the day everything had changed. Wizard, Colin Creevey, why yes, don't mind if I do. He'd been so excited to be going to Hogwarts, but not as excited as he was to hear 'he' would be there.

Professor McGonagall had mentioned him offhandedly when she was naming famous witches and wizards that had attended 'the most prestigious institute of magical learning in the world'.

She'd seemed a little smug when she told him, he was in her house. An honest to goodness celebrity, he could hardly believe his luck, and his admiration only grew when he learned what the boy who lived was famous for.

Defeated a dark lord at one year old. Amazing. And a dark lord that specifically hated people like Colin just for living. If he could have fanboyed any harder, he would have peed his pants.

The days before he left for school seemed to crawl by and he packed his trunk three separate times just to make sure his camera was safe. He was going to a magical world and he was going to record all of it.

Especially Harry Potter. Harry Potter, who was in 'his' house.

"EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeE!"

He was a bit disappointed the famous dark lord slayer wasn't at the table that first night but hearing where he was instead totally made up for it. Of course, he wouldn't come to school the normal way. He was Harry Potter.

He'd been sweating bullets the next morning. He was finally going to meet Harry Potter. He was both nervous and excited, both of which made him shake. It was so bad he could barely hold his camera.

The flash was his introduction to the greatest man he'd ever met, and he babbled his greeting while his idol squinted at him. Not the best introduction he could have hoped for, but who cared, he'd met Harry Potter, and yes, this time he did pee a little.

It was hard paying attention in class. He was so excited, and he just wanted to take pictures of everything. Professor Lockhart was the only one of his teachers who really understood.

"Can't be helped you know. Can't be helped."

He did his best to listen and not count the minutes till he could go develop his film. One of the older students had promised to teach him to do it the magical way. Pictures that moved! He could hardly contain himself.

It was in this state that he bounded from his chair the moment class was dismissed, only to be intercepted by one of his housemates before he could make it to the door.

"Creevey, a word."

With a surprisingly strong grip she led him away from the rest of their cohort to a small secluded corner while he tried desperately to remember her name. Started with a 'G' didn't it.

"Colin, can I call you Colin?"

He nodded dumbly.

"Colin, you've been very busy lately, busy with that camera of yours. Taking pictures of everything… everyone."

That wasn't entirely true. He hadn't gotten everything, yet. And he definitely hadn't gotten everyone. He'd very wisely kept his camera far away from Snape. And he'd yet to see anything from Slytherin that suggested his housemates warnings were overcautious.

"But ya know," she continued, "not everybody likes having their picture taken."

Like Professor Snape, he thought.

"The reasons for it aren't really important, but I think you understand what I'm saying, don't you Colin?"

Colin nodded, seemed clear enough, "You don't want me to take your picture."

The smile she gave him looked very fragile. Were faces meant to look like that. Looked painful.

"Not me, Harry."

What! "What's Harry got to do with this?"

"He doesn't like pictures. You need to stop taking pictures of him."

Stop taking pictures of his idol, the greatest savior of wizard kind. What was this girl smoking?

"No."

"Look, Colin…"

"No!" he repeated with greater force. "I won't."

This was obviously not the answer she was looking for. "I'm warning you."

He'd heard that before, and he knew exactly what to do. The angry girl yelped when his foot connected with her shin and Colin used the distraction to run for it. "See ya later Ginger."

"It's Ginny!" she yelled after him.

So he was right, there was a G. Oh well, Ginger or Ginny, it really didn't matter. No stupid girl was going to tell him what he could and couldn't do with his own camera. And he was just getting started.


	23. Red fury

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 03 – Red Fury

…

"Unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable!"

A red streak paced the floor of the first-year girls dormitory in Gryffindor tower. Tiny feet beat a furious line back and forth as the enraged red head did laps across the room.

"Blow me off will he. Oh hoho, I don't think so."

Ginny had never learned to handle rejection. The result of being the only girl of seven children and the youngest to boot. If Ginny wanted something, she got it, or else. It wasn't a healthy mindset, but what did she care. Someone was not following the rules she'd laid down, and that could not be tolerated.

The problem was, there wasn't actually a lot she could do about it. Despite coming from a magical family, she had no special training or unique talent for magic. Her lazy brother Ron technically could do more magic than she could, even if his wand was a little questionable at the moment.

Of course, stupid Creevey, no, Creepy, was in basically the same boat, but he did have the camera. Stupid as it seemed, the picture snatching device was a formidable weapon, and the shutter bug had proved he wasn't above fighting dirty, as her poor shin would attest.

"Grah!" she exclaimed, flopping onto her bed and screaming into the covers. "This isn't helping," she decided once she was screamed out.

She needed a new perspective. A new point of view. Where was that diary?

…

Morning, before the butt crack of dawn. A time when no sane individual should be out of their bed. Not that the author was making remarks on the mental state of Oliver Wood, who'd dragged his whole team out of bed so they could listen to him talk. Not at all. But it was because of this totally normal and not at all deranged individual that Colin Creevey was out of bed as well.

Quidditch. He'd only heard of the sport after arriving at Hogwarts and he'd thought it sounded dangerous. Then he heard Harry played and it immediately became his favorite sport.

It had been sheer luck he'd heard when the team's first practice would be. He'd been eavesdropping on Harry's friends. Luckily.

"Why do we need to go watch Harry practice?"

"Because we're his friends! I can't believe I'm having to argue with you to watch Quidditch."

"I'm not arguing about watching Quidditch. I'm arguing about getting out of bed before the sun comes up. Normal people don't do that."

"You're a wizard! What do you even know about normal?"

"I know normal doesn't get up before seven."

They'd bickered back and forth for some time, but he quickly lost interest. He'd gotten the bit he needed, the when, where, and most importantly, who.

It was still dark when he tromped out into the stands. He'd never been, and the view was making him giddy. His enthusiasm tempered as he waited, he even began to think he'd misheard until the bushy one staggered into the stands with a half-conscious ginger on her shoulder.

"Ron! Need to, wake up!" Her groaning under his considerable weight barely registered. Mumbling something unintelligible he plopped into the nearest seat.

"Good morning," Colin said with exaggerated enthusiasm.

"What's good about it?" Hermione groaned, working the kink out of her shoulder.

"Mehrglblm," mumbled Ron through a half snore.

Clearly neither were all that interested in talking and he was saved from a stilted silence by the arrival of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

Jumping excitedly to snap a picture he almost smashed his camera to bits when he face planted into the floor.

"Colin! Are you alright?"

His nose hurt, but he was more worried about his camera than his face. Miraculously it was undamaged. Glancing down at his stupid feet he was shocked to find his shoelaces had been tied together. How had that happened?

"What're they doing here?"

While he'd been goggling at his shoes, the Slytherin team had appeared on the field and confronted the Gryffindor team. Things looked tense, Hermione and Ron had already abandoned the stands heading for the field.

Scrambling at his shoes he managed to undo the knot before racing after them, laces flailing madly. He nearly took a header down the stairs but caught himself just in time. Making it to the ground level he dashed onto the field, camera at the ready, and once again tripped. His hands flailed, his feet dragged, his face prepared for impact.

The ground was hard, not as hard as the bleachers but hard enough to bruise his nose yet again. And more than hard enough that when he heard the sound of tinkling glass, he knew exactly what it was.

The bulb of his flash was scattered in pieces. The sight of it, and the Gryffindor team fleeing the field, made him want to cry.

Picking himself up out of the wet morning grass he brushed off his robes, looked sorrowfully at his camera, before a glance at the stands caused him to freeze.

Sitting in the very seat he'd just abandoned was a red-haired female wearing an insufferable smirk. A smirk she had pointed right at him.


	24. Black mail

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 04 – Black mail

…

"Unbelievable! Just… Unbelievable!"

Colin Creevey was mad, and when Colin Creevey was mad, uh, he pouted, a lot. Nobody was ever impressed, even his younger brother Dennis used to laugh at him whenever he got mad.

The real problem was, lacking the prolific pouting power of a Lovegood, when Colin would pout it was wholly unimpressive. Even a pampered princess could pout with more petulance. Colin's pout was, mm, passable.

Though it certainly wasn't good enough for a solution to give itself up, and he'd know, he'd spent hours working on it. This had naturally followed a full day of classes, meals, an hour or so fixing his camera and replacing the flash bulb.

It was late evening when he made a proper start of it. And it was even later evening when he gave up and went to bed. Tossing and turning he stewed on the injustice of it all, gaining little sleep and no further insight into his problem.

Several days followed in this manner. Go to class, eat, pout, sleep, repeat. What was worse is everywhere he went, there she was, smirking that smirky smirk. It was driving him mad. Even the stories of his idol's latest conquest hadn't brightened his day.

He couldn't take pictures of the cute centaur. She belonged to Harry, and Harry was off limits, at least, that was the assumption. It was certainly the message he'd gotten.

He hadn't approached her to find out. Hadn't gotten any closer than he had to. He didn't know exactly what would set her off and he couldn't risk the safety of his precious camera. He only had two more flash bulbs.

Still stewing, he went to bed that night, giving a prayer to whatever deity might be listening for an idea. He'd lost all hope of coming up with one on his own. He needed some divine inspiration.

By chance, there was only one deity in the vicinity listening, though not because he cared about the plight of one insignificant side character. Having had his attention piqued earlier that day by a bunch of people tormenting some kid on a broom, he'd been watching the area for more entertainment when Colin made his pitiful plea.

Typically such a plea would have been beneath his interest, but as he came to understand what they boy wanted, he couldn't help feeling… something. If there was one thing Loki understood it was revenge, the pettier the better.

Deciding it might be entertaining, the god of tricks gave the pathetic whelp a nudge.

Waking from a troubled sleep, Colin sat bolt upright and declared, "Eureka!" because it wouldn't have been cliché enough otherwise.

"Ah, shut up!" shouted his roommates, because that's really the only response some clichés deserve.

…

Morning dawned, bright, glorious, perfect. Ginny smiled, a smiley smile. Another perfect day, a day of magic, friends, and basking in the glow of her own personal Adonis. Things couldn't be better.

She'd been a little worried Creepy might try something after she'd made her point, but all he'd done was pout. The last couple days he hadn't even done that. Life was just perfect.

She had a perfect morning, a perfect shower. Her hair was perfect. Her clothes… were all second hand so they weren't exactly 'perfect', but close enough.

Enjoying a perfect breakfast her perfect piece of toast was interrupted by an owl. She wasn't expecting any mail.

The owl was one of the school's and flew off as soon as she took the letter. Examining the envelope revealed nothing but her name written on the front.

With a shrug she slit the top with a butter knife and peered inside. She frowned when she found only a few photos. A frown that turned to a look of horror, color draining from her face when she saw the subject of those photos.

Turning her head ever so slightly, she saw Colin raise his pumpkin juice and salute her.

SON OF A BITCH!


	25. Master plan

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 05 – Master Plan

…

A wise squid once said, "Rage, fury, irritation, humiliation." It was like he was speaking to her soul.

Creevey… Creepy had officially crossed the line. How had he gotten those picture? Of her! Doing… THAT! In THERE! She didn't know how he did it. She didn't really care how he did it. She was going to kill him.

Or it may be more accurate to say she had tried to kill him. She'd held him up by the shirt and shoved him into the wall hard enough for him to go 'oof'.

She was only eleven, what were you expecting?

The shutterbug had smiled at her assault. Taking something from his pocket he flicked it at her. Boiling blood turned to ice when she saw herself in the tiny square. This one hadn't been in the envelope.

"How many of these do you have?" she squealed.

"Enough to make sure Harry never looks at you again," he smirked.

The strain of such an idea was too much for her brain to comprehend. With a scream of inhuman fury she lunged. Ducking out of her reach he flung a handful of the filthy images in her face before dashing down the hall.

"Come after me and he sees all of them!" he shouted, his parting comment ringing her brain right off its axel.

It took the hamster an hour to fix it and get things running again, by which time Creepy was long gone and she had missed Transfiguration.

Rage, fury, irritation, humiliation. She fluctuated through the list every time she saw his stupid face, smirking that stupid smirk. He'd gotten one over on her, but she would have the last laugh.

She'd poured her heart out to Tom who'd listened with the sort of benevolent patience reserved for fathers and magical artifacts that couldn't talk or get up and walk away.

'It's not so bad,' he'd written. 'I know just what you need.'

What had followed was a long list of ingredients and instructions for a potion he assured her would help fix her problem.

It was a complicated brew, even for someone who knew what they were doing. It would take at least a week to do, and some of the ingredients would be very hard to get.

She hadn't exactly memorized the contents of her potion kit but she'd been helping her mother brew simple potions for years. She knew what most of the list was, and what she didn't had only required a quick perusal of her potions book.

With that mystery solved, she had only to find someplace to work, and then gather her materials.

The workspace came to her quite by chance when she heard a couple of older girls talking about a bathroom no one used due to it being haunted. A quick survey of the premises, she was satisfied it would serve her purpose. Then it was just a matter of gathering materials. And this was where she ran into problems.

The ingredients from her potion kit were simple enough, but everything else she needed was kept under lock and key. A key guarded by the slavering, rabid dog that was Professor Snape.

It wasn't enough that he was just a generally detestable and disagreeable person. It wasn't even that he had it out for everyone in Gryffindor for reasons no one knew. It was his particular fixation with 'her' Harry that made him so loathsome in Ginny's opinion.

For that reason alone she would never approach him with a request. Not that she believed he would have listened even if she did. She'd seen one of her more foolishly optimistic housemates try just talking to him after class once. Poor thing had cried for hours.

She chose a time when there were no classes to make her play. Following Snape from dinner, silently stalking through the halls behind his billowing black cloak until they came to the classroom attached to his office.

She followed him in, barely missing the backswing as the door slammed ominously shut. There was a large cauldron bubbling at the front of the room and he went to it without hesitation, allowing her a chance to creep around out of sight before he turned around.

She remained there for some time, wondering what to do next as Snape stood and stirred and mumbled to himself.

"Double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn and cauldron bubble."

The cackling that followed this incantation made her skin crawl. She'd no idea what he was brewing but she just knew it must be evil.

What she 'knew' was really more a matter of opinion. The potion was certainly potent. He'd been working on it for almost two weeks and it was nearly finished.

"Soon. Oh yes, soon," he muttered under his breath. "No more Saturday nights alone for Severus, oh no," and he punctuated the thought with a gleeful cackle.

A sound interrupted him mid cackle and he glanced around the room, seeking its source. Not being the youngest seeker in a century, damn you Potter, he found nothing.

Chalking it up to his imagination, which had been known to run away with him from time to time, he went back to his work till it came again.

"Who's there!"

No response, only silence. Usually he embraced the silence, craved it as something he got far too little of in a school full of bratty children. Now though it was taunting him. He hated that, the taunting.

He'd barely placed his hands back on the stirring rod when it came again. With a furious snarl he whipped out his wand and stalked out into the room.

"Alright, where are you!" he demanded hotly. "Peeves, is it you? You know better than to bother me. Shall I have a word with the baron."

Silence. Wicked, taunting silence.

"I know you're here." Growling like an angry dog he stalked around the room, between the desks and past shelves full of all manner of dead thing floating in liquid.

"You think you can hide from me? When I find you I'll…"

She'd never find out what he would have done, since the large jar full of tiny toads that fell on his head cut him off before he could finish.

On the other side of the room Ginny put away her wand and took a moment to calm her breathing. She'd been very lucky that particular jar had already been half off the shelf or her weak little shaking spell wouldn't have been enough to drop it on his head.

Quickly searching his pockets she went to the cupboard, collected what she needed and escaped, leaving the keys on the desk and Snape unconscious in a pool of formaldehyde.

It wouldn't be till the next day when the first year Gryffindors slunk down to the dungeons for potions that she found out he'd somehow managed to set himself on fire after she left.

"He should be back in a couple weeks," said Madam Pomphrey who would be acting substitute till he returned.

It was a sad moment for Ginny, not because she'd done serious harm to Snape, no, no. It was sad because she was the hero of her people and she couldn't take credit for it, unless she wanted to explain the how, or the why.

Life just wasn't fair sometimes.


	26. Oops

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 06 – Oops

…

"And add the ground up lace wing flies, stir seven times clockwise, and wait for it to turn canary yellow."

It had been a long week since she'd started Tom's potion. Creepy had taken every opportunity to flout his superior position and it had taken all her will power, plus a medium grade calming draught to keep from strangling the little bastard, consequences be damned.

And if that wasn't enough, now Luna was moving in on her man. She'd no idea why her one-time friend had started sitting at the wrong table and monopolizing 'her' Harry, and in her current position she had no way to find out either.

But all of that changed tonight.

"Mwahahaha. Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHA…"

"Shut up, would ya! Trying to mope."

The slightly crazed ginger glanced at the stall but saw no one. She'd heard Moaning Myrtle sobbing several times in the week she was using the haunted bathroom, but this was the first time the ghost had ever addressed her.

"Best not do that again," she mumbled. Her potion was almost ready, she couldn't afford to mess up now.

Doing it again was out of the question. Not only was she unsure where Madam Pomphrey kept the keys when she wasn't using them, but she couldn't wait another week to deal with Creepy. She was already riding on a hair trigger. No telling what she might do in another week.

And there was no reason to find out. Even as she sat pondering the possibilities, her potion turned yellow and she took it off the fire.

"Finally." A manic cackle began welling up, but she stifled it when she heard a pathetic sob a few feet away.

Quickly decanting it into the container she'd brought, she stowed her things away to be dealt with later then carefully crept up to Gryffindor tower.

It was past curfew and the last thing she needed was to get caught skulking in the halls with an unmarked potion. She'd no interest in accomplishing what her brother had only just failed to do when he drove the car to school. Idiot.

Slipping silently into the tower she tip-toed through the empty common room and up to her dorm where her roommates were already fast asleep. Recovering the final ingredient to her master plan, a bit of Creepy's hair, she dumped it into the potion.

The hair dissolved quickly into the canary yellow concoction and, plugging her nose, she downed the whole thing in four gulps.

Setting the empty bottle under her bed she quickly changed and crawled under the covers as her body began to tingle. Tom had told her she'd need to be somewhere safe when the potion kicked in, and where could be more safe than her bed?

The effects came on quickly and she drifted into something like a fever dream. The world was a mess of sound and color and she had the sense of a powerful struggle. She threw all her will into the battle but whatever was opposing her seemed equally stubborn and refused to yield.

Spent and exhausted, she fell into a bottomless vortex falling down, down, down. The bottom, because it apparently wasn't bottomless, came quickly and had a strange shape, for a moment it looked just like Creepy.

Then she hit, and she couldn't see anything. Darkness consumed her and a cloying, suffocating presence surrounded her. She struggled against it, tossing, turning, and rolling right out of bed onto the cold stone floor.

She lay panting on the floor, overwarm comforter hanging over her trembling body as the shame of failure sank in. She wasn't sure how she knew she'd failed, but she did.

Odd since she didn't even know exactly what the potion was meant to do. Funny how she'd skipped over that little detail in her hurry to destroy her adversary.

Tired of feeling sorry for herself, she brushed off the comforter, stretched, groaned, then froze. Something wasn't right. That groan had sounded wrong. Maybe she was imagining it. Maybe the potion had just done something weird to her throat. She looked down at her hands and gasped. Those weren't her hands. And the clothes she was wearing weren't her clothes.

Her eyes darted around the room, but nothing looked familiar. The bed she'd fallen out of wasn't her bed and the people sleeping in the beds nearby weren't her roommates, they were, boys.

A sick sensation began growing in the pit of her stomach. Could it be? Had she? Was she?

There was only one way to be sure. Clumsily she shuffled out of the room and into the hall. Everything seemed backwards but she found the bathroom easily enough and staggered to the nearest sink.

And lo, an ear-piercing shriek did ring through Gryffindor tower, waking everyone who promptly went back to sleep when they saw it was only three a.m. All except Oliver Wood who decided since he was up, might as well Quidditch, then went to drag the rest of his team out of bed.

But none of this mattered to Ginny. Ginny, who wasn't Ginny, who stared back at Ginny with a face that never belonged to Ginny. "Oh sweet Merlin what have I done?"

She didn't know why, she didn't know how, all she knew was the face staring back at her, was Creepy!

...

Well, there's a cliffhanger.  
That'll be all of this one for a while as we head into November and an update a day with NaNoWriMo.

This years entry, Grimdark.

First chapter up the first of November. Come check it out. Pretty Please.

This arc will wrap up Wednesday's in December.

Later.


	27. I'm a girl

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 07 – I'm a girl

…

Colin Creevey, and yes that's who he was, and no amount of ginger hair was going to change that, crept down the stairs in the wee hours of the morning. Something had happened last night, and he'd woken in a bed not his own, in a body not his own, bemused, confused, and somehow both horrified and fascinated.

Fascinated because it must have been some powerful magic that had done, whatever it was. And horrified because his little soldier was M.I.A. and he didn't even want to think about what was down there instead. Getting dressed had been harrowing enough.

But he had to do it. He couldn't stand the idea of looking like the evil weasel for the rest of his life, which meant he needed to find her, him, the person that looked like Colin Creevey.

It turned out to be a remarkable easy task. He found 'him' sitting in a chair pointed at the staircase.

" "You!" "

Swapping bodies must have put them on the same wavelength because the spent several minutes flawlessly talking around each other till they ran out of angry things to say and settled on being disgusted with the others body.

"So many questions I am horrified to ask but I can't stop thinking about them!"

"How bout I club you over the head."

"Why not, it's your head."

Several unproductive minutes were wasted in this fashion till the evil weasel finally broke the cycle. "Enough! This isn't getting us anywhere! Look, I don't know how I did it, but if we're going to fix it, I need you to go upstairs and get my diary."

"Your diary?"

Scowling at his disbelieving tone, "Just go get it."

"Why don't you?" he shot back.

"Because I'm you!" she snapped, poking him in the chest. "If 'I' set one foot on that step it'll turn into a slide and send an alarm to Professor McGonagall. Is that what you want?"

"Fine," he sighed, trudging up the stair and returning a few moments later empty handed. "Where is it again?"

Once retrieved, the two left Gryffindor tower and headed for the haunted bathroom. It was just after four so the only ones about were the ghosts, Myrtle announcing her presence with her usual sobbing.

Colin felt uncomfortable being in a girl's bathroom, despite it being empty, and he being a girl; the presence of the sobbing ghost did not help either.

"Just ignore her," said Ginny with a flippant wave of 'his' hand.

"What are you doing?" Despite admitting responsibility for the situation his hated nemesis had not been forthcoming with the details.

Instead she sat down and started scribbling in her diary. Colin had no idea what she was doing but correctly assumed the book must be magic when she cursed at it before scribbling something else then grabbing a spare bit of parchment and jotting something down.

"Alright!" he, 'she' declared. "Good news, it can be reversed."

The tension that had been holding him up visibly loosened and she, 'he', sagged in relief. Until he realized she'd said, 'good news' which meant, "What's the bad news?"

"We have till the end of the day and the potion is going to take at least six hours to brew."

"Aw man!"

That didn't give them much time and he knew next to nothing about potions. He certainly hadn't learned anything from Snape.

"Also, there are two ingredients not in my potion kit so we're gonna have to go hunting for them."

Uugh! "Maybe we can get them from the cupboards in the potion's classroom."

She shook his head, "You need the key and I don't know where Pomphrey keeps it."

"Damn!" They were screwed. He was going to be a girl for the rest of his life.

"Oh relax, I know where we can find them."

"Where?"

"The six toad's eyes we can get from the toads around the lake. We just have to catch them."

Difficult, but not impossible, "And the other?"

"Here," she said, showing him an unfamiliar herb in her potion book, "We should be able to find it growing along the edge of the forest."

"You mean the one we're not supposed to go into?"

"What they don't know won't hurt us."

This was completely false, but Colin lacked that knowledge or a suitable alternative; what else was he going to do? Go to the teachers and try to convince them he wasn't Ginny Weasley. The red hair would probably work against him.

"So what're we waiting for?"


	28. Strange bedfellows

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 08 – Strange bedfellows

…

The sun had yet begun to rise as two children snuck out of the castle. Shadows leapt under the flickering lights of their dual wands, causing Colin's heart, in Ginny's body, to leap as well.

"How are we supposed to find anything out here?" he whispered as they crept past Hagrid's hut.

"I know where they are," she insisted, which was mostly true.

She'd noticed them one day, skimming the edge of the forest waiting for the Quidditch team to emerge. She'd been there quite a while and a bored mind will find the most inane things to occupy itself.

"You think it's true what they say?" he, she asked.

"What's that?"

"Werewolves!"

Ginny, as Colin, shot her, him a glance, "Is there a full moon?"

"Uh, no."

"Then don't worry about it."

Werewolves were only a danger on a full moon, everyone knew that. What kind of idiot didn't know that?

"Why you spose it's forbidden then?"

She almost groaned at the question but stopped short. It actually wasn't a bad question. No one had bothered to explain why, they'd just said 'don't go there'. Which, when you think about it, was probably the worst way to keep a bunch of children from doing something.

"Probably something in there they don't want anyone to see."

That's what her father used to tell them, when their mother wasn't listening. "If they call it 'forbidden', it usually means they just don't want you to see it. Like the closet off the stairs is forbidden," he'd said with a wink, like they all didn't know that's where Molly hid their Christmas presents.

"You think it would eat us, whatever it is?"

If even half the things her brothers had said were true, "Probably."

That put an end to the questions till they arrived at the edge of the forest.

"Okay, we're here. Now what?"

"Shut up, I'm thinking."

She hadn't been paying attention that closely at the time. "Let's see, there was a bush, big bush. And it was right at the base of a tree… big tree."

"Congratulations, you've just described every tree for a hundred meters."

Towering over them like dark titans, one massive tree looked little different from another and thick bushes spotted all along the border.

"It looked different in the daylight."

She walked the edge of the forest, waving his lighted wand under every bush, patience wearing thinner and thinner with every wrong shrub.

"I'm sure it was around here somewhere."

"Is this it?"

Having wondered further in, Colin's brassy red hair stood out against the darkness. 'He' was standing next to a low flat bush next to a tree some five feet in diameter.

"Down here, look."

"That's it!"

Stowing her wand, the scrawny young boy scrambled under the bush and began harvesting. "This should be plenty. Uh, Colin? Colin, I need light. Colin?"

Shuffling 'her' way out of the bush she found her body, still holding her wand and staring in frozen shock.

An ominous hiss drew 'her' attention and when 'she' saw 'it', 'she' did an excellent imitation of 'him'.

(Ugh, pronouns!)

Half human, half spider; it stared with huge black eyes and wicked frightful fangs.

Ginny found her wind first and for the second time that day a young boy screamed like a little girl. The sound agitated the spider thing which hissed furiously, kicking both children into gear.

Squealing like death was hot on their heels they ran for all they were worth. The spider glared after them before crawling back up the tree and going back to sleep.

"Stupid wizards, and their stupid lights," she grumbled. "Waking people up— middle of the night. Rude, that's what it is. Just rude. Should've eaten 'em."

And she wouldn't be the only one to think such that morning. Rubeus Hagrid bolted upright as the screams passed his hut.

"Fang, you hear that?" the half-conscious half-giant asked his dog.

Fang very briefly looked at Hagrid, then the door, then got up and crawled under Hagrid's bed with a piteous whimper. No small feat given who was in it.

"Bloody coward, thass what you are," he said, rolling over and drifting back to sleep, "bloody coward."


	29. Not as easy as you think

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 09 – Not as easy as you think

…

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaah, Ginny! Where are we going?"

"Aaaaaaaah, who cares!"

Frightened by the half-spider apparition and paying no mind to the distress they'd caused Rubeus Hagrid, the two body swapped children ran screaming through the night.

The Gryffindor Quidditch team shambling out for an impromptu practice heard them scream by, but couldn't be bothered to even grunt in acknowledgment, ignoring the screaming shadows in the darkness who kept screaming all the way to the lake where they ran out of air.

Gasping and panting they collapsed to the moist earth, heaving in great gulps of lake quality oxygen and waiting for their brains to catch up with their hearts and tell them the race was over.

"What… the hell… was that?" Colin panted.

Ginny shook her head, which was Colin's, "No idea… Never… seen any… thing like it."

There was a reason for this, as the state of this particular entity is one most strange, relating to events from the previous year, some known, most not, and all a mystery to Colin and Ginny.

… Oh, you wanted to know what they were? Well, worry not, I shall elucidate… eventually.

"Please… tell me… you still… have it."

Ginny raised Colin's hand, revealing the mess of herbs firmly in grasp.

"Oh good."

"Yeah. Now we… just need the… toads."

With an anguished groan, Ginny fought her boyish body into a sitting position and surveyed her surroundings. Pleasantly surprised she found she was exactly where she wanted to be if the chorus of croaking were anything to go by.

"Alright, that's enough rest," she said, crawling to her feet, "we've got toads to catch."

"And, how exactly does one catch a toad?"

Judging by the following performance, not very well.

"There it goes! Get it, get it!"

"Where'd it go? I can't see it."

"Ribbit."

"There it is!"

"I gah, ah, come ere you, got it! No! Yes! Ah! Stop squirming!"

And that was just the first one.

"He's coming right at you."

"Got it. Got it!... Don't got it."

"Where'd it go?"

"Pant leg! Pant leg! Ew! It's going up my pant leg."

And of course.

"I got it!"

"No, I got it!"

*Wham*

"Watch where you're going."

"You watch where I'm going."

But somehow, despite it all, they managed to catch the toads they needed, plus one spare, just in case. Their prizes squirming around in Colin's pocket, the duo made for the castle and the haunted girl's room to get started.

They were half-way there when the worst happened.

"Meow!"

"Oh no!"

"Not now!"

The scruffy looking Mrs. Norris eyed the two delinquents like a pair of plump mice.

"Mrs. Norris," the call echoed down the hall.

Panicking, they backed into an alcove behind a suit of armor. Mrs. Norris followed calmly.

"Go away!" Colin hissed.

Mrs. Norris gave him an incredulous look, an expression most cats have mastered before they're half grown but which Mrs. Norris in particular had perfected to a level that was almost uncanny.

"What do we do? What do we do?"

While the two Gryffindor's awaited their inevitable demise, one of their toads took the opportunity to escape. Instincts stronger than years of training saw the much-maligned menace abandon her quarry in favor of something more interesting.

"Mrs. Norris!" Without so much as glancing in their direction, Argus Filch tromped past their hiding place after his cat.

"What's that you're after my love. Zat a toad. What's that doing in here."

Waiting till they were sure he was long gone they raced to the bathroom and frantically went to work. Fire lit and cauldron heating they went about preparing their ingredients. It was while doing so they discovered something very interesting.

"Ew. Ew. Ew!"

"Wicked!"

Ginny, having been raised in the country with a pack of wild brothers, lacked the usual feminine squeamishness associated with, let's say, cutting up a live toad and removing its eyes. Whereas Colin, being the suburban city slicker, had never even seen a toad let alone its insides, and showed the reaction one would expect from the body he was in.

"Don't be such a sissy."

Hours passed as the potion slowly came together. Hunger gnawed at them, but they dared not leave, not till things were put to rights.

Finally, after the longest six hours in history, it was finished. Taking half the potion each, they'd barely gotten it down when they hit the floor and went on a psychedelic trip so bizarre it couldn't be detailed in this fic.

For reference, see Pink elephants from Dumbo after drinking a third of bad scotch.

Awakening an indeterminate amount of time later, they stared at the person next to them and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Ginny?" asked Colin, in Colin's body.

Ginny nodded, with Ginny's head, "Yeah."

Candor rose from the great sense of relief they felt, "So, we should probably talk about this, feud, we've got going on."

"Yeah, guess we should." Given what she'd almost done, how could she say no.

"Hey Ginny, how long were we out?"

Ginny shrugged, "Why?"

"I just thought, aren't people going to wonder where we've been all day?"

…, "Well bugger me!"


	30. An idea is born

Hogwarts a History – A tale of two stalkers  
Chapter 10 – An idea is born

…

"I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"How'd you do it?"

"Where'd you get it?"

"Are you crazy!"

The last one sent a laugh through all the Gryffindor second year boys. Of course they were crazy, what a silly question.

"Seriously though Dean," said Harry, ignoring a pouting Hermione, "where did you manage to get a cannon?"

"Junk sale. My dad found it and we spent most of the summer restoring it."

"Wicked!" expressed Ron.

"Come along with us this time Ron?"

"I might," said the ginger, his faux non-committalism fooling no one.

"What about the rest of you? Ready to take it to the squid?" said Dean excitedly.

"I hate to be the party pooper," said Harry, "but I think you're forgetting something kinda important."

"What?"

"You can have all the cannon's you want, but you still need a boat to put it on."

"Yeah, there isn't much left of our last one," Seamus chuckled.

"We'll figure something out," said Dean. "We're Gryffindor men, and Gryffindor's don't quit!"

"YO!"

Staring down the table listening to her idol and his cohorts planning, Ginny couldn't help a heavy sigh.

"Please stop doing that," said Colin, sitting across from her, "you're making me more depressed."

Depressed, but whatever for? It was only twenty points they'd lost by missing a full day of class. It was only a week of detention for having no excuse at all for that day of class. Why ever would he feel depressed.

"I can't believe she gave us a whole week," Ginny complained. "We only missed one 'day' of class. That is totally disproportionate."

"I've never had detention before," said Colin sullenly. "I've never even been in trouble at school."

"You went to school before Hogwarts?"

"Muggle school, yeah."

"What was that like?"

"Compared to this?" Grass was always greener on the other teams Quidditch pitch.

"Think they'll ever forgive us?" she wondered aloud, glancing over at her year mates who were pointedly snubbing the both of them.

"I hope so. You'd think no one had ever lost house points before."

"It's stupid," she agreed. "We lose at least ten points every time we have class with Snape. This is so unfair."

"Here, maybe this'll help."

Colin slid a picture across the table which made Ginny blush before snapping it up and pulling it up to her nose. "How did you get this?"

"You'd be surprised how much noise there is in the bathrooms when someone's showering. And without his glasses he's practically blind. I heard him say so."

Ginny herself barely heard what Colin was saying, her mind completely focused on ogling her Adonis. It was almost more than a pre-pubescent mind could handle.

"Ginny? Ginny!"

"Huh, what! I didn't see anything!"

Colin chuckled, "Really?"

"Well, maybe a little," she said with a shameful blush.

She may have been in trouble, but at least the pointless feud with Colin had been settled and she could get back to ogling… I mean admiring her Harry.

Plus, as she sat there, admiring not only her future husband, but the handiwork of the photographer, an idea began to form. A marvelous, wonderous, terrible idea. An idea that would prevent any such feud in the future while also letter her keep tabs on all the stupid slags with machinations on 'her' man.

"Mwahahaha. Mwahahaha. Mwahahahahahaha…"

"Uh, Ginny?"

"ha… Sorry, was I doing that out loud again?"

… End of year notes

Merry Christmas all. Enjoy the holidays. Hope to see you all in the new year. AND, if you're really ambitious, check out the first short of our original work over on fiction press. Links in the author page.


	31. 4th Arc - Working girl

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 01 – Working girl

…

It ain't easy being green, or so she'd heard. Well, it wasn't easy being Mrs. Norris either. The prowling feline was one of the most reviled denizens of Hogwarts; slightly less reviled than Peeves the Poltergeist but slightly more reviled than her human, Filch.

She stalked the halls in search of prey, but not the sort she could eat. It was after hours, quiet and dark; her prey consisted of those who would disturb the ambiance. There were always a few, this she knew; some were quite elusive.

For those she held a certain respect; their ability to thwart displayed their worth. All others were seen with appropriate disdain.

It is well documented that cat's look down on humans. Clumsy and slow, frightfully dim with barely any instinct to speak of; they ranked just above things like sheep only for their utility as servants; for which most were really only subpar.

At least that was her assessment. She would admit, if only to herself, her perspective was biased by the fact her own human could barely care for himself and she had seen what a house elf could do. There really was no comparison.

It was without question the greatest regret of her lives, the incident. She didn't like to think about it. Too soon—too soon! They would not tend to her now, no matter how she yowled. They would not come.

Bah! What did it matter, she didn't need them. Working girls didn't need such things and a working girl is what she was. It was important work, a sacred duty. Find them, catch them, cull them.

This at least was how she saw it. If they were fool enough to be found and caught, they deserved it. Prey; prey was caught, prey was culled. It was the natural order. The strong survived and the weak were delicious hamburgers. That's how it was supposed to work.

Why humans chose to act so contrary to this notion was a mystery to her, and one she'd settled on never solving. Doing so would require her to sink to their level and no cat would ever deign to demean themselves so.

Besides, she needn't understand them to catch them.

A noise pricked her ear, the left one, and she turned her head just so. Humans; noisy humans, trying to be quiet. Easy prey.

Padding down the hall more silent than a ghost, gabby things that they were, she snuck between suits of armor, through hidden holes and passages little known or used by big galumphing wizards.

She'd identified her prey before she ever lay eyes on them. The scent had been strong, and these were repeat offenders. Difficult though, they were green ones. The green ones were not afraid to fight, though most did so poorly.

These were not at all prepared to fight, nor were they built for flight, despite seeing her and squeaking like mice.

"It's Mrs. Norris!"

Indeed, it was; least its memory worked. She let out a long, high yowl, then stared a penetrating stare that pinned the quivering boys in place. Masterful thing, that yowl; terrifying and able to carry for great distances. It was a sound she'd trained her human to recognize.

"Mrs. Norris!"

There he was.

The sound of her human panicked the young ones. The food they'd been carrying showered down on her as they freed themselves of their burden and fled.

Cursing cakes and other things involving pudding, she gave herself a quick shake before bounding in pursuit. She would have caught the little rule breakers just on principle, but now she was mad, and covered in gook.

They would be caught; this she swore as only a cat can. It didn't even appear it would be terribly difficult. They were needlessly loud, not especially fast; she used a hidden passage to get in front of them and turn them into stumbling buffoons when she jumped out hissing.

She sat quite proudly as her human stumped up and glowered at the two corpulent greens.

"Well, well, what ave we ere?"

Appearing petrified with fear, her sharp feline eyes saw one of them slowly drawing his magic stick. She didn't like that, expressing it with her claws.

He squealed, he yelped, he dropped his stick and wilted under the heated glare of her human.

"So, thought you could spell me did you boy?"

Bringing them in was always an unpleasant task but her human made sure it was especially unpleasant for these two. They would likely go unpunished; the green ones usually did.

Still, this was something, and this incident would surely not be the last. Some never seemed to learn, no matter how often they were caught.

"Stupid cat," she heard one of them grumble, only to be cuffed upside the head.

No one appreciated what she did, this was a fact, but that was alright. Working girls had to work; if she didn't, who would?

"Mrow."

"Yes my dear, I think the thumbscrews would be very appropriate."


	32. Harry Potter Fan Club

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 02 – The Harry Potter Fan Club

…

"Where did you get this?"

"Let's just say, I have a very good camera man."

It was simply scandalous; the pre-pubescent mind could barely grasp; so vulnerable, so wet, so nekkid.

"What do you want. Whatever it is you can have it."

Ginny laughed, "Now Esmeralda, it's not like that," she said smoothly. "I'm just sounding people out right now. Testing your disposition."

"For what?" the young Hufflepuff asked suspiciously.

"I'm thinking of putting together a little club," said Ginny. "A secret club," she added conspiratorially.

"A club, for what? For this," she waved the naughty picture, greatly upsetting the man inside.

"The man, the legend, in the flesh. No more having to daydream about a character in a baby's book when we have the man right here, if you get my meaning."

She thought she did and was simultaneously intrigued and mortified, a conflict that played out in minute detail all across her face.

"I see you need some time to think about it," said Ginny, hardly oblivious to the other girl's inner turmoil. "You hang onto that picture. We'll talk again real soon."

Leaving the catatonic puff to her daydreaming, she strode calmly down the hall and turned the corner.

"So, how'd it go?"

She gave no startled exclamation finding Colin waiting for her, she'd known he was there. "She's in. She doesn't know it yet, but she will."

"You're sure?"

Ginny grinned; it had teeth, "Oh yes. And she'll bring others. That picture is going to make the rounds in Hufflepuff, mark my word Colin."

"If you say so, I just hope Harry doesn't find out."

That made two of them, "He won't," she said, for Colin as much as herself. "Trying to keep this secret from everyone in the castle would be impossible, but that's not what we're doing. We just need to keep it secret from Harry. That's much easier."

"Is it?"

"Oh yes. According to Ron, Harry's only real friends are him and Hermione. Harry isn't real good with other people, especially outside Gryffindor, and he absolutely hates gossip. Especially about him."

"Were we going to ask your brother to join, or that Hermione girl?"

"No!" she snapped, making Colin jump like a startled rabbit.

"Uh…"

"Sorry, sorry," she apologized, "It's just, the idea of my brother, or any of them, finding out about this. I'd never hear the end of it."

"Oh, yeah, I suppose."

"Not to mention telling Ron anything is a bad idea. If he knew so would Harry before the end of the day."

"I see—and, Hermione?"

Ginny made a thoughtful expression, pretending to think on the proposition when in truth she'd already done all the thinking she needed to on Hermione Granger. "I don't really know her, but from what I've heard, she doesn't play well with others. Thinks way too much of herself."

"Not like you," the boy with the camera smirked.

"Watch it Creepy," she said in a restrained snarl. He shrugged but didn't bother a retort. "At any rate, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be interested in this unless Harry could be found between ten pounds of musty old parchment." The bushy-haired girls bibliophilia was well documented.

"That's not a bad idea," said Colin.

"Huh?" The what now? "Did I miss part of this conversation. What's a good idea?"

"Between parchment you said."

"Don't follow."

"What about paper?"

"A book?" not a bad thought.

"A magazine!" he said excitedly.

That was an even better thought. Lots of pictures of, thoughts on, articles about, Harry. It'd be a great place to post her future wedding photos.

"I like it, but not yet. Too much involved," she said, slowing down to keep focus on the short-term goals. "Put it on the back burner for now. Do some research in our spare time. Actually, one of my neighbors prints his own magazine."

"You think he'd help us?"

He might. Xeno was a bit odd but he seemed to like her. "I'll make a note to ask him the next time I go home."

One step at a time. The perfect marriage to the perfect husband didn't just happen overnight.

"Come on."

"Where we going now?"

"We need to find a Ravenclaw. I spotted a likely candidate in Herbology and I think I know about where to find her. You got that one really cool flying shot, the swoop and dive."

Colin quickly filed through a heavy handful of photos, pulling out a great moving pic of Harry on his broom doing something that would have any girl with even the most remote appreciation for broom mechanics gasping.

"That's the one," she said with a quick leer.

Placing another, more risqué picture beneath it, she hurried on to the hall between the Ravenclaw dorms and the library. Most people didn't know where the dorms that weren't their own were located; she owed this bit of knowledge to Fred and George. The devious brothers had given her the full tour the day after they arrived, which included the location of the other dorms, and instructions on how to get into the kitchen.

'They' would know where all the dorms were. They probably even knew how to get into them, though they hadn't shown her that.

That was okay, she didn't need in, as her quarry came stumbling down the hall, nose firmly in book.

"Perfect." Trust a Ravenclaw to be by the book predictable. "Ty Lin!"

"Yes—wha!" Unable to do two things simultaneously with any coordination, it only took a minor distraction to send her tumbling to the floor. So easy.

"You alright?"

"Owchee!" The petite east Asian girl pushed her face off the floor, looking around dazed.

Ginny used her confusion to retrieve the girl's book, something overly complicated in a language she didn't recognize; typical. "Need a hand."

Pulled to her feet the girl looked at Ginny, seeking a name to go with the face, "Weasley, wasn't it?"

"Lucky guess," Ginny joked, "call me Ginny."

"Ginny? Right, right, we have herbology together, don't we?"

"We do. Pretty sure this isn't about herbology," she said, hefting the book.

"Oh that. No, that was, I mean, I was just perusing the shelves when I found that. I never expected to find any books written in mandarin here."

"Must be really special. Maybe you shouldn't walk and read it at the same time. Wouldn't want to wreck it," she said, handing the book back.

"What happened?" said Colin, appearing at her elbow when Ty Lin was halfway down the hall and once again multitasking badly. "I thought you were going to talk to her."

"Sound her out," Ginny corrected.

"What's the difference?"

Ginny grinned when a startled yet undeniably intrigued 'eep' echoed down the hall. "One doesn't actually require me to say a word. A picture says so much more anyway, doesn't it?"

...

**Are we entertained? **  
**If so, you might check out '**Fantasy Friday**' over on **FictionPress**. Link in the Author page. **


	33. Gilded Roy

Hogwarts A History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 03 – Gilded Roy

…

"He's wonderful."

_ Indeed._

"He's so amazing."

_ Yes, yes._

"I can't believe we get to have him as a teacher. We are so lucky."

_ That you are. _

For Gilderoy Lockhart, teaching hadn't been his first choice; no, not his first choice, or second, or third. But old Dumbledore, the wily old codger, had talked him into it, and thus far, he had no regrets. If anything, this was doing wonders for his ego. So many young fans singing his praises; regular appearances to revel in the adoration; it was a dream come true.

"Do you think he'd sign this if I asked him?"

_ That's what the peacock quill is for._

Skulking behind a suit of armor he listened to the conversation permeating the halls, all of it about him.

"I tell you; Snape is the worst!"

Well, mostly about him.

This was what he lived for. The praise, the adulation. It was all he'd ever wanted, ever since he'd first come to Hogwarts. His mother always told him he was special, not like his siblings; poor lowly squibs that they were.

It'd been quite the shock to find out other people couldn't see his stellar quality. Some even had the gall to laugh at him.

Well, he had gotten the last laugh. Internationally known author, award winning smile, everyone in magical Britain had heard of Gilderoy Lockhart. Few names were as well-known as his, and it had been one of those names that really sealed the deal in getting him there.

"Come on Harry, you don't want to be late."

"Says who?"

Ah yes, young Harry Potter; the infamous boy who lived.

It did irk him a bit; a child who'd done nothing more extraordinary than survive the unsurvivable was somehow more famous than he. He, Gilderoy Lockhart; he, who had spent his entire life working to gain the recognition he deserved; he, who'd gone to places most had never heard of, found stories begging to be told and told them; he, whose naturally wavy hair made witches the world over swoon, was less famous than a lazy messy haired mediocre brat.

BUT; it wasn't all bad. The boy was pliable. As the man who'd taught famous Harry Potter his fame could only grow. Maybe he could even get another book out of it.

"I can't believe he made us buy all those books."

_ Hello, what's this?_

"I thought the third was a little weak."

"Tosh and nonsense, you ask me. The whole lot of them."

_ Oh, now that just wouldn't do._

Stepping out from his hiding place he crept up behind his detractor, "Afternoon."

The boy leapt like a startled squirrel, the young lady with him only slightly less; a chipmunk perhaps. "P-p-p-p, Professor Lockhart!"

"Hello. Lovely day isn't it?"

At a loss for words the boy just nodded and made a quick escape dragging his shell shocked friend with him.

Gilderoy smiled, but only on the outside. He hated his detractors, those non-believers who failed to see his greatness, who claimed his books were 'tosh and nonsense'. He hated them, he feared them. They had no idea just how close to the truth they were, and if he had his way, they never would.

"Oof! Oh, my, excuse me."

The sudden assault on his rear came from one of his new colleagues. "Professor Vector." The youngest member of the Hogwarts faculty, and female as well, sort of. The Arithmancy professor had the sort of unkempt look of one who rarely came out of their books and with her thick glasses she looked nothing less than the quintessential nerd.

Of course, Gilderoy knew better. Having been a Ravenclaw he'd know many like her, seen what the bad hair and glasses managed to hide. She looked a mess at first glance, but he could see the hints of a very comely girl beneath it all.

"And a lovely good day to you Septima."

"Is it really as good as all that?" she wondered aloud.

"It is now that I've seen you." He held back his high watt smile, not wanting to frighten her off.

"Oh, really Gilderoy." She played at being annoyed but he could tell the hook was in.

"Speaking of the day with consideration for the eve," it was already after lunch, "would it interest you to know I've acquired a lovely bottle of a very particular vintage. Most exquisite so I'm told. Might I interest you in a little nightcap this evening?"

She stumbled over her words and he turned up the amperage in his teeth. She was putty in his hands—or so he thought.

"I—appreciate the offer, it's just, you—I mean your type—I'm not—that is, what I mean to say…"

Her incoherent rambling left him in a quandary, forcing him to put together such disparate notions as 'your type' and 'I'm not'. Given this little information there were few conclusions he could draw, and he chose to go with the one that least dented his ego.

She was one of those. Of course, he should have known. It was so obvious now that he looked at her. Well, that wouldn't do. He could just imagine how awkward things would be. He was having none of that. Only one thing to do; no one's looking.

"What I'm trying to say is—why are you pointing your wand…"

"_Obliviate_."

… activating reboot cycle…

… reboot complete…

"Huh, oh, uh Gilderoy. I'm sorry, my mind wandered off there a moment. You were saying something?"

Gilderoy flashed a smile, the one that had Witch weekly crowning him five times in a row. "It's not important," he said, "just, put it out of your mind."


	34. Clippity Clop

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 04 – Clippity Clop

…

A hard sound like stone striking stone raced down the hall in the early morning. This was followed by a delighted squeal; blonde-haired girl child, aged approximately twelve.

"Turn coming up," Phillene called behind her.

"I'm ready," declared Lavender, staring at the oncoming wall with grim determination.

"Don't go splat Lavender," said a smart-alecky boy on a broomstick.

"You hush. I'll be fiIIIIIIIIINe!"

She was almost right; the board on her feet slid up toward the wall and for a moment, one single perfect moment, she was balanced. The moment ended when inertia, who'd been desperately trailing, finally caught up and bounced the bouncy blonde off the wall.

"Ow! Oof! Eek! Eh! Oh! Un! OO! Uhhhh!"

"And, she's down," said Harry, hovering to a stop.

"She got two more bounces than last time," said Phillene.

Adding one more, she bounced to her feet, "I'm okay," she assured them; because they were so clearly worried.

"Guess those pads really work," it was only the fourth time they'd been tested.

"Good effort all around," she agreed. The pads she wore had been a team project that most of their year group had pitched in on. Most, not including Harry. He'd made a few off-hand comments to Dean who'd gotten the ball rolling, but with his ever encroaching Quidditch schedule, he hadn't the time. They even got Hermione to help despite how annoyed she was with Lavender and Parvati for some reason. "I feel loved."

"You're sure it's not a concussion."

Phillene laughed at her friend's playful scowl, "Why don't you come down here and say that smart guy."

He didn't get off the broom, Wood wouldn't have liked that. Instead, he leaned back, swung around, then back up so he was again sitting on his broom, but now holding Lavender's board.

"Like that?" he grinned a most cheeky grin.

"Oh you!" the blonde pouted, but not really.

"What's all this then!"

It's the fuzz, cheese it!

Lavender jumped at the sudden exclamation and Phillene was certain she saw a hint of a smile crook the old witches' lips. "Ms. Brown. Good morning. Mr. Potter, Ms. Phillene."

"Good morning," the centaur filly chirped; Harry just waved.

"A bit early isn't it?"

"It's the only time the halls are empty enough to do this," said Lavender, accepting her board from Harry.

"I see. And how goes the, hovering board?" It was evident she didn't know quite what to think of her student's project. It was equally evident she did not wish to appear ignorant despite that.

"I'm going to figure this out Professor. I'm going to figure this out if it kills me."

"Your enthusiasm is admirable, but I would hope you'd have the good sense to stop before it came to that."

Lavender smiled, all sweetness and innocence, "Nope."

"Oh dear." It was going to be one of those years. "Mr. Potter, might I inquire what you are doing up there?"

"Captains orders," he said with a well-practiced put-upon look.

McGonagall too gave a groan she'd much rehearsed. "In all my years I've never had a Quidditch captain so, um…"

"Crazy," Harry offered.

"Enthusiastic," she corrected.

"Is that another word for crazy?"

"In some languages," said Lavender.

Now it was McGonagall's turn to look put upon. She shooed them away before it got any worse.

"Well, that was close."

"So now what?"

"Breakfast!"

After breakfast came class which Phillene found simply fascinating. She couldn't ready any of the books but seeing them practice their magic was a wondrous experience. All except the class they did underground, potions. She wasn't aloud in that room.

According to all her new friends she was lucky, and she really wanted to believe them. She assumed the greasy man must be like that annoying yellow haired wizard all the boys despised. Why all the girls seemed to stare stupidly anytime they saw him was beyond her ken, but she was almost certain magic was involved. Had to be.

After class was her favorite part of the day, Quidditch. She couldn't fly, but that didn't matter, it was still the most exciting thing she'd ever seen; especially when the squid was involved.

They were training over the lake again; the squid was in good form. She was galloping around the edges of the water watching them swoop and dive like giant birds, positively enraptured. She didn't even notice when someone started running along beside her till they cleared their throat.

"What are we watching?" the elder asked.

"Quidditch!" she said excitedly.

Her grandfather laughed at her jubilation as he often did, cantering beside her as they watched together, the great battle with the squid and the balls. "They are quite skilled?" he asked.

"I think so," she said. "I'll know more when they play their first game against the snake house. That's on the small green they call the pitch," she said informatively.

"Interesting," he said, stroking his beard, "perhaps I will come and watch."

This idea she liked, and she regaled her elder for some time on all that she'd seen, done and heard for the past few days, since the last time they'd spoken. That was her purpose as hostage, to learn and relay things. To listen, to watch, and most importantly, to not embarrass her herd.

Given the people she was around and all the silly things they did, she wasn't too worried.


	35. Squirrels squirrels

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 05 – Squirrels, squirrels!

…

Some days it hardly paid to get out of bed. This is why cats sleep the majority of the day, and Mrs. Norris was no exception. Getting up meant you had to deal with people, and as a rule Mrs. Norris hated people; which was not unusual for her species, most of whom merely tolerated people for their utility not unlike a cow or a horse.

(Moo, you filthy beast. Good, not let's see the cow do it.)

No, people were not a thing she liked, which is what made Argus Filch so tolerable to her. He didn't like people either and he wasn't afraid to express that in his various ways. It was the primary reason they managed to function as a unit, despite him being otherwise useless.

This night had been rough for the working girl, very much a 'why did I get out of bed' sort of shift. Apart from scaring a bunch of young ones up to their dorms near curfew, she hadn't bagged a single catch all night. Though that didn't mean there wasn't a catch to bag.

She was following a trail; the scent had a hint of familiarity to it. That familiarity included purple daffodils and a tap-dancing whale, which she wasn't really sure what to do with, so she tried to ignore it. Focus; focus on the trail, that was the key.

She had to focus too; it wasn't a good trail. Most trails she had to follow were a relatively straight line, point a to point q, all along a single axis (the floor) with minimal variation.

This trail took a slightly different approach. Rather than go point to point along a single axis, a to q and so on, this one seemed to spread out over several axis with numerous trails shooting out from a single point to reach x, also zed, epsilon, and pi.

Most of them turned out to be false trails which required a lot of backtracking; annoying, since many of them also required a lot of climbing. Some should be told it is very rude to break the laws of gravity so flagrantly, just, rude.

She was in a very poor mood and in dire need of a lie down as she padded the halls, but her determination and overall surliness kept her going. She would find whatever it was that left this trail, and when she did, she'd take their legs off so they never did it again.

Mewing and growling to herself distractedly, she passed by one of the innumerable suits of armor that lined the halls of Hogwarts. Something tugged at her paw which brought her back to the present just in time to leap out of the way as the armor went crashing to the floor.

Heart racing like a juiced-up mouse, Mrs. Norris stared at the fallen metal shell. That had almost hit her.

Not that this was the first attempt on her life. Better tries had taken lives one through three, but the point still stood; someone had just tried to kill and or maim her. The nerve!

Her hackles rose when a wave of verminous chittering swept through the hall. Gone as quickly as it was heard, the feline scoured the hall for a source, but found nothing.

Hogwarts had no shortage of vermin; she'd hunted more than a few in her day, but that sound; the sheer quantity. It would have taken every buck-toothed plague farm in the castle all together to make such a racket, and she knew that was impossible.

The house quarrels were a polite disagreement between gentleman, compared with the factioning that went on among the lower creatures.

With no sign of a culprit coming forth to surrender, she found the trail again and continued the hunt. She must be getting close. Attempted assassination didn't happen when you were getting cold. She must have been hot; yes, she could feel it, hot, hot, HOT!

"MROW!"

With no warning, the floor burned like red hot coals and Mrs. Norris went jumping like a cat on a hot tin roof. With remarkable luck, she got up on a pedestal that did not sizzle when she touched it and took a moment to observe her predicament while her paws cooled.

The floor was divided like a checkerboard, one set heated, one set not, switch at measurable intervals. She never would have noticed being so close to the floor.

With a few moments observation she quickly bounded through the simple obstacle. Barely setting paw to unheated floor, it happened again, washing over her, the chittering; but this time she caught a break, a flash of bushy tail.

Squirrels, the tree rodents. How annoying. Squirrels were one of the few creatures that could scale a tree faster than a cat, and you can be sure the cat resented that fact. It wasn't bad enough they were basically rats with round heads and too much hair on their butts; no, they had to be showoffs too.

It was a small leap to assume they were involved with her quarry. Mrs. Norris did not believe in coincidence. She also didn't believe in Santa Clause but that was a separate issue.

She'd deal with them, in due course. There were no trees inside the halls of Hogwarts. They were frontin on her turf. If they weren't careful, she'd have to smack a bitch down, word.

Feeling very ghetto, she swaggered a bit as she followed the trail around the corner and came to a dead halt. Her feeling of ghetto faded, there was no tea in the ghetto, and there was no fooling her nose at this distance; that was tea in her cup.

"Good evening."

That was a matter of opinion, the feline thought. And this silly child wouldn't be thinking it in a minute.

She let out the ghastly sound that brought her human running, but unlike with others, this human appeared completely unfazed; save perhaps being a little annoyed.

"I had hoped to finish my tea. Ah well."

With a careless snap, her bag opened its mouth and swallowed her tea, the cup, the pot, table and chair; never bulging in the slightest. "We're done here," she said, collecting her bag and strolling away.

Mrs. Norris was not having that, but when she tried to follow, she felt a tug on her tail. She was perplexed at the squirrel, more so by his mask, and even more so by the yellow ball he was holding.

Her confusion didn't last, nor did the yellow ball, and a great epiphany overcame her, shoving away all concerns for tea and the girls who flarged it. Yes, she understood, her mind was open at last.

She was the purple daffodil.

"Oh, Mrs. Norris. Not again."

Silence stinkweed!


	36. Cock a the walk

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 06 – Cock a the walk

…

"Hey! Hey, get up! Get up! I said GET UP! Can't you see it's morning; get up!"

The big rooster stood atop Hagrid's hut, squawking to beat the band. He was a good sort, for what he was; it's just too bad what he was happened to be loud and proud and set off by the first light of day.

Actually, that may have been fortunate since the Gryffindor quidditch team had been up for an hour already (Wood had escaped the ropes) and were fifteen minutes into morning practice. When every minute counts, you don't want your alarm going off early.

And he didn't go off early, no sir. He wasn't that sort of cock. He went off when he was supposed to and you knew it when he did, not a subtle cock, not this rooster. When he went off it was big and long, the best you could ever hope to have. Number one cock, that was him.

Sun up, and the grumbling rumbling of the food man below, the rooster hopped off the roof and strutted over to the coop. He could have just walked, but it lacked gravitas. He had to put some swagger into it; as the biggest (only) cock in the yard, he had a standard to maintain.

Standards were very important, they helped establish the pecking order, which he was at the top of, naturally. Couldn't have anyone forgetting how important he was. He was the rooster after all.

"A'right, you lot gather round," the large bearded man bellowed as he spread their breakfast all over the ground.

"Mine!"

The rooster went at his food with gusto, this too was a standard. The sooner he filled his gut the sooner he could plant his butt; back on the roof where he would remain, watching the chicks and the rest of his domain.

The day passed as previous days had done. He sat, he strutted, he leered. After lunch he took a nap and woke up just in time for dinner, and then it was time for bed.

His sleep was deep, the sleep of the just; or the sleep of someone with no real responsibilities. There was magic around the coop to protect it from invaders, which meant he didn't have to stand guard; it was already guarded.

So he slept, oblivious to the things that went creep in the night; of one in particular, creeping from the castle, creeping over the woodpile, creeping across the thatch roof. He barely made a sound when the hands wrapped around his neck and squeezed.

The following morning was dead silent, except over on the pitch which rang with curses and the most creative death threats you've ever heard.

…

Ginny woke, slow and sluggish. Her body rebelled at the hour, 'more sleep' it demanded, but the alarm clock said it was time to get up. Stupid clock, what did it know?

"Ugh! Somebody kill that (bleep)ing alarm clock!"

"Really Ginny, such language," an equally tired sounding voice teased.

"Just cuz my mum doesn't think I know those words doesn't mean she's right."

"True story," quipped another tired voice from the other side of the room.

"Somebody planning to shut that thing off or…"

A flying pillow soaring across the room made it a moot point, but by that time everyone was awake, and sleep seemed to have fled. Possible it was the blood and feathers that scared him away.

"Wha—uh, where did," Ginny babble nervously.

"Whoa!" observed Demelza Robins. "Now that's a mess."

"Looks like you murdered a pillow," Romilda Vane added.

"Murdered!" The idea did not appeal to Ginny, especially not after that weird dream she'd woken from.

"No, no, see that blood?" Demelza continued, oblivious to Ginny's inner turmoil. "That's chicken blood."

"How can you tell?" asked Romilda.

"My uncle had chickens; I stayed with him one summer. Hated it, specially the chickens. Stupid smelly birds."

"How many'd you kill?"

"I didn't kill any of'em!" she replied indignantly. "It was the fox that got it and you can't prove that it wasn't."

"Uh huh," said Romilda, totally not judging her roommate. "You throw all this on Ginny's bed just to mess with her?"

"No! How could you say that?"

"Well, of the three of us, you're the only one with a history of poultry slaying."

"You can't prove anything!"

"Uh huh. Ginny, any ideas. Remember anything?"

"Just a weird dream," people had weird dreams all the time, no harm admitting to that.

"Hmm, were there chickens in this dream?"

"I—think, a rooster?" It was all blurry now and fading quickly.

"Were you a fox in this dream?"

"Was that a jab at me?"

"Why would you think that?"

"No," Ginny cut in, "pretty sure I wasn't a fox."

"Hmm, hmm," Romilda hmmed. "You were probably sleepwalking."

"You think so?"

"Why not, I do it all the time. Oh, spose I should warn you; I don't always make it back to the right bed so, just a heads up."

"Crawl in with me an I'm kicking you out," said Demelza.

"But, the blood, and the feathers. Where would I sleepwalk to find that?"

"Yeah, and how'd she do it without getting caught by Filch?"

"Hmm, magic?"

"… you are the worst," said Demelza, giving up on the whole conversation and heading for the shower.

"Ten galleons says I'm right," Romilda shouted after her. "Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it. Take it from a professional sleepwalker; any morning you wake up in your own bed is a good morning. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up and had no idea where I was. There was this one time, I woke up half soaked in the middle of a swamp and…"

Romilda's assurances, well meaning as they were, did nothing to alleviate her agitation. If anything, they gave her something else to worry about. Her roommates were crazy.


	37. Day off

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 07 – Day off

…

"Look out! Coming through!"

"Homework. Homework? Has anyone seen my homework?"

"Oh Merlin! I'm gonna be late!"

"Watch where you're going!"

"No running in the halls!"

"Has anyone seen my homework?"

"Is this it? Ew, it's got jelly all over it."

"You don't really think he does, do you?"

"Why not? Who'd stop him?"

"Do we really have to go?"

"You can't just skip class because you feel like it."

"What if I were ill?"

"You don't look ill."

"I will be if I have to sit through another class with Lockhart."

"You're not skipping."

"Gaaaaaah!"

_ So much NOISE!_

That, she surmised, was the problem with living in a crowded castle. You never had a moments peace because there was always somebody who didn't know when to Shut The Hell Up. In this instance, the hall was full of them.

"Charms! I thought we had transfiguration next."

"At least it's not potions."

After the purple daffodil epiphany, and subsequent un-epiphany, Mrs. Norris had been given cause to think about the direction of her life. Conclusion, she was well overdue for a day off.

"It's this way, isn't it?"

"I thought it was this way."

"Ugh. Why does this place not have a map?"

Now if only she could find somewhere that wasn't crowded by mouth breathing cretins.

"Mrow!"

Abandoning her warm spot in the sun, she went in search of somewhere a little more quiet. Even in the daytime the little humans gave as much space as they could when they saw her coming. Normally she would stare, just to remind them she was watching, but today she paid them no mind. They weren't her problem. It was her day off.

A small window in an empty classroom seemed a likely spot; minutes later she was snoozing away quietly, never noticing the nondescript trio sneak into the room. Coincidentally, they hadn't noticed her either.

"You're sure about this?"

"Trust me, it's easy. You're just overthinking it."

"I hope you're not underthinking it."

A series of pops and bangs woke the cat. Spotting the source, her first instinct was to stalk up and scare the bajeebas out of them. Then she remembered it was her day off and determined to go back to sleep. With any luck, they'd leave on their own soon enough.

Funny thing, luck.

"Ah ha, I got it."

A concentrated ball of light, spitting like the tail end of a rocket, hovered above his outheld wand.

"Great—now what?"

"Put it out before you lose control like last time."

"Oh, stop worrying. I got this."

To prove his point, he waggled the wand back and forth, trailing the ball behind. This was fine, though perhaps not for the hearts of his compatriots, until his wrist smacked against the desk and the wand went clattering to the floor.

The spluttering ball did not follow it

Spitting like an angry cat, it shot around the room almost faster than the eye could track. It was a mad bit of ricochet. Even had her eyes been open she might not have seen it coming but come it did.

A blast of sparks erupted when it made contact with the window ledge and Mrs. Norris leapt, yowling the yowl of a cat startled out of a half descent sleep. Not as harrowing as the yowl of a cat startled awake from a deep sleep, but it was enough to send the intrepid students running in panic.

Flinging the door open provided egress for their spell which zipped over their heads and into the hall.

"We are in so much trouble."

_ You are if I get ahold of you._

It was her day off dang it. What part of that couldn't people understand?

Leaping from her perch she bounded after the trio. Quickly catching up, she just as quickly wished she hadn't. Their wild spell had multiplied and was bouncing off everything. One had gotten into a suit of armor which jerked and twitched like it were alive, also recently tazed.

"Eek! Do something!"

_ Quickly!_

"Like what?"

"Make them stop."

"How?"

"Duck!"

_ Goose!_

A long string of sputtering orbs flew their direction, and everyone dove out of the way. Seeing the way things were going, Mrs. Norris decided it wasn't worth the trouble and made to leave. The jumping suit of armor chose that moment to fall apart and release the dozens of little bouncing spells it had been holding in.

The spells went every which way and Mrs. Norris jumped, goosed, and scrambled to avoid getting hit. She didn't know what would happen if she did get hit, but she wasn't keen to find out either.

Spotting one of the small passages she used to circumvent the halls, she ran, then dove to safety, not daring to stop till she was out the other side.

_ Stupid—crazy—wizards!_

"Me—ow!" the poor cat panted.

_ Day off. Day off! It should not be this hard to find a quiet patch of sun to sleep in. _

She'd barely begun to think about finding another when a door down the hall flew open and a tall gangly youth came running out with a toad—no, frog, frog on his head.

"Run for your lives!" he screamed to the almost empty hall. "It's the frog apocalypse!"

Mrs. Norris threw a gimlet eye at the clearly touched young man as he flew by in a panic. One frog did not the apocalypse make. Nor did two, or three, four, five, twelve, twenty-seven…

She began to reconsider her stance around ninety-four. At one hundred and twelve she could only mewl because they burst from the room in a swelling wave, forcing her to lose count.

_ Oh, sweet merciful…_

"Mrooooooow!" she wailed as she was swept away by the amphibian tide.

She needed a day off from her day off.


	38. I can see you, no you can't

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 08 – I can see you… no you can't

…

There are many ways to learn a thing, this is a simple truth. This simple truth is not something the average educator would like any student to know. The instructor instructs, the pupil listens, a thing is learned, end of story.

This is what they would like you to believe because it makes their job easier, not because it's the best way to learn. It works for some, typically those inclined to listen, obey, and think as little as they can get away with. More than eighty percent of any given city, state, or hive mind colony if we're being honest.

It wouldn't be much of a stretch to say, Luna Lovegood was not among that percent. Her mind was too active, inquisitive to just sit and listen; it rebelled at stagnation, Celtic warpaint and screaming "FREEDOM". It was a wild mind, not to be boxed, so take that Tyson.

It was probably a mistake sending her to Hogwarts, but she was determined to make the best of it. The people she was forced to live with didn't like her, at all, but Harry was her friend, and that was enough for now.

Though it certainly didn't solve her education dilemma. Luna was well ahead of her cohort in terms of practical skill. Her ninja training made it necessary to 'git gud' fast. It was quite exciting, but it begged the question, on pitiful pleading knees; what did she do now? She could not be bored. Bad things would happen, Fred and George kind of things.

This is what led to her current position, hanging upside down from the ceiling in the library, expanding her horizons independently. This sort of learning required a highly motivated and endlessly curious student to be truly effective, both of which she was.

The hanging upside down wasn't really necessary but it made her feel more ninja-y (yes that is a real word—shut up).

"I just don't know Chu Chu. It sounds interesting but what would I ever use a spell to emit a sound that makes everyone soil themselves for?"

The squirrel with the purple ninja mask struck a thoughtful pose, nodded, nodded again, then chittered something that made Luna nod. "Well yes, I suppose if I needed to fertilize a garden quickly that would be one way to do it."

Really was no such thing as a useless spell.

She jotted down a few things in her notebook before replacing the text and, deciding to pay gravity some attention, returned to the floor, feet first.

"Hmm, what to read next?"

The library was massive. More literature than anyone could ever hope to read, even in a dozen lifetimes. Some of it was even worth the time.

She wandered between the shelves, not so much looking as waiting for something to jump out at her, but not literally; she hadn't gotten into the restricted section yet. Turning a corner, and not looking where she was going, she made an abrupt stop when an equal but opposite force collided with her.

"Ooh! Pardon me."

"No, no, it was my…" the other girl stopped mid-sentence when her brain caught up with her body.

Luna found herself in a similar situation. Facts fell into place like cogs in the machine and the incorrectness of the situation became apparent. One, it was the middle of the night. Two, she wasn't supposed to be there which meant. Three, neither was anyone else.

The other girl seemed to reach the same conclusion as they stood there staring and analyzing.

In an odd bit of mimicry, both raised a hand, and again froze, staring at the small sphere in the others hand. Luna proved the more decisive and slammed her smoke bomb into the floor before the other girl could rally.

"Wait!" the other girl shouted through the smoke.

She could have, but it didn't seem like a thing she should really want to do. It was already established, her lack of popularity, coupled with the fact she was not supposed to be out.

Wait?

No, she would not be doing that.

Instead, she ran. She ran through the library, into the halls, through the halls, up the walls and down the walls. Her tread was swift and without sound, barely a squirrel scratch in the booming silence.

This made it much easier to hear her pursuer, just out of sight but never far behind. It was admirable, and annoying. She hadn't seen many witches so fit as to keep up with Luna Lovegood when she was in a hurry. It would be just her luck she'd find the one that could.

At this rate they'd be running around the castle all night. Time for a change of tactics. "Inner Picasso, don't fail me now."

…

She came around the corner skidding and stopped. Something was wrong. The sound of running she'd been following had ceased. She tried to slow her breathing; stop panting long enough to listen, but it was hard. She'd not had a run like that since the summer.

It was shameful how out of shape she'd gotten in a month. She really needed to establish a proper training regime at school, but first, "Where'd she go?"

She couldn't have just vanished. Magical travel was blocked by the wards.

A secret passage? The school was lousy with those.

Drawing a small, easily hidden blade, she slowly skulked down the hall. It was surely a trap, she thought; her paranoia growing from internet conspiracy nut to long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs in what amounted to ten feet.

She was so busy looking for a trap to spring she almost missed the squirrel. "Yeek!"

Her blade flew, missed, and skidded down the hall. The squirrel gave her a look she had surprisingly little trouble interpreting before scampering back into the darkness.

Properly mortified and blushing like a lantern, she collected her knife and turned toward her dormitory fully intent on forgetting the past fifteen minutes when something caught her eye.

Staring hard at the patch of wall she attempted to discern what had demanded her attention. At a glance it looked just like every other bit of wall around it, but it wasn't. The shadows were wrong, too much shine.

"A painting," made to look like a patch of wall. Not the most absurd thing she'd seen on the walls of Hogwarts, but still, "Hmm, looks a bit Rembrandt."

"Picasso."

Blink, blink—squint, blink, "I'm sorry, did you just speak?"

"No."

_ Of course, how silly of me to ask._

"Come out of there. I can see you."

"No, you can't," said the obstinate Picasso.

"Yes, I can," now that she knew what she was looking at. "The sheen is all wrong and your bulging in the middle."

"Are you calling me fat!"

Not being of proper British stock she lacked the inherent stoicism to just ignore such an absurd remark. Not being of proper Japanese stock she also lacked the ability to face fault without hurting herself. Meeting in the middle she performed a face palm that echoed her aggravation up and down the hall.

Removing hand from face she gripped the canvas and pulled down. "Hullo."

"Got you," sort of. "Who are you?"

"Who are you?"

"Su Li—grr, I'm asking the questions!"

"Are you?"

"YES!"

"Doesn't sound like it. Are you sure?"

She'd never been taught interrogation techniques, but she didn't need it to know she was making a mess of it. "Let's try this again."

"Alright."

"Who are you?"

"Luna Lovegood."

Oh, duh. Now she remembered. How could she forget? "What are you doing out so late?"

"Running away from you."

"Grr!" technically she wasn't lying, but, "That smoke bomb, where did you get it."

"I made it."

"You're a ninja?"

The blonde nodded till she found a blade poking the tip of her nose. "Who trained you?" she asked, though what she really meant was, who sent you, what clan are you, who put you here, and why?

"I trained me," was not among the expected potential responses.

"Don't lie to me," she growled, pressing the blade for emphasis.

It was unsettling how little she reacted to the obvious threat, "I'm not lying."

"You don't just train yourself to be a ninja."

"I had books."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No."

She hadn't expected this; she wasn't prepared. Fear and uncertainty were making her angry and clouding her judgement. She needed to calm, needed to think.

She would not be given the chance. "I don't think I like where this conversation is going. Chu Chu."

It was a testament to her training she didn't look when the weight fell on her shoulder. That meant when the bomb exploded the angry red powder went right up her nose.

She knew what a pepper bomb was, but she'd never been on the worse end of one so powerful. By the time she could see through the tears streaming from her eyes, Luna was long gone, and in her place the sour face of a much-maligned feline.

"Mrow?"

"Oh, bugger!"

"Mrs. Norris? Where are you my love?"


	39. Cold so cold

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 09 – Cold, so cold

…

It was a cold, cruel world; no denying it. The cold part was her current concern, the cold was cruel enough all on its own without bringing the rest of the world into it.

It hadn't bothered her before, not so much. Her carapace gave some protection; hibernation gave more. There would be no hibernation like this, only freezing, freezing and shivering and death. She did not want to die, despite her abominable state. Desperate she was, not to die.

Desperate enough to take a chance, the chance, her only chance.

Eight legs thudded heavily through the undergrowth. Tired and weak, she could not be bothered with subtlety, she could not be bothered to stalk; it would do no good.

She'd been trying to hunt with limited success ever since the change. Her body was clumsy, ungainly, off balance. The strange human limbs had their uses but catching and holding prey as it struggled was not among them.

The turning of the seasons was making scarce prey scarcer, and the cold seeped deep into her soft exposed flesh. Food and warmth, this is what she needed, and she knew only one place she might find it.

She hesitated at the edge of the forest, the farthest she had ever gone, the closest she had ever been. The castle loomed in the distance, foreboding yet promising. Food was there, and warmth, but also wizards.

She knew little about wizards, or humans in general. Her father had spoken of how dangerous they were, the adults anyway. She had never seen any of those. Her own experience had been with the small ones, and that hadn't been terribly encouraging either.

It was light feet from here. She did not want to be seen. Find food, a secluded corner, sleep; that was the plan. No one got hurt, not one had to die—except the thing that was going to be her food. That had to die, but it was food so that was alright.

Food only lived so it could die. Common sense.

She dallied for a time, skirting along the edges of the forest. The castle was imposing, soaring, towering. A sleeping goliath waiting to wake and crush a foolish little spider, come too bold for her own good.

Shivering, and not purely from the cold, she left the tree line and cautiously (over-cautiously) made her way toward the castle. There were two buildings between her and her objective. A small hut and a large open place where wizards did their flying.

At least when they weren't invading the nest. She only heard this, hiding from some of her grumbling former kin. In all her life she'd never heard of such an intrusion. The idea had only made the image of wizards that much bigger, more frightful in her mind.

She was just passing the flying place when a sound sent her heart leaping up her throat. It was people sound, wizard sound.

"I swear I'm gonna take his broom and shove it up his…"

"Too early! Why? Whyyyyyyyy?"

"Huh? Whazat—I, I'm awake, I—I…"

Voices and footsteps heralded their coming and the panicked spider girl did the only thing her overanxious mind could thing to. Ducking into the nearest patch of shadow, she curled up as small as she could and remained perfectly still.

"I say we tie him to the goalpost and go back to bed."

"Wouldn't work. He's gotten too good with knots."

"We better win our first game against Slytherin. Can you imagine how bad he'll be if we lose?"

"No, and I don't want to!"

The group went by complaining, never so much as glancing her direction. The whole thing took less than a minute, but to her it felt hours. She was trembling in exhaustion when she finally uncurled. Her body was reaching its limit. Food! Sleep! Soon!

She resumed her trek up to the castle, making it halfway before being forced to hide again.

"You know this poor lighting isn't going to get any good action shots?"

"That's fine. I just think he's so cute when he's half asleep."

She watched them pass, vaguely recognizing but hardly caring. They were too big to eat. She'd barely risen when she had to duck again as someone else came skipping down the trail. The little blonde did not so much as pause and continued on her merry way.

The spider girl rose after her passing, slower this time. Her legs were shaking, her nerves exhausting what little stamina she had left. Heedless of all else, she dragged herself toward the castle. Each step harder and heavier than the last till she could take no more.

Tears streamed as eight legs failed and she collapsed to the cold, hard ground. It wasn't fair. How was she to have known. It wasn't fair.

"I don't want to die," she wept, lacking the strength to do anything else. Even when she heard someone approaching, she could barely look up to see who it was.

"Well now, what er you?"

Tears flowed freely at the sight of the giant, because what else could such a big thing be; with his great hairy face and black beetle eyes glinting in the flickering light of his lantern.

She tried to speak; plead, maybe beg for her life. She opened her mouth, and nothing; nothing but a weak, strangled mewl.

This seemed all the giant needed; setting down his lantern, he lifter her as though she weighed nothing. Giving in to the inevitable, she fell across his hairy hide, unable to resist and too tired to try

Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, death. It seemed much more gentle than she expected. Wherever he was taking her, she just hoped it wouldn't be cold.

...

And now, a brief announcement

...

Since I find myself with a lot of time, and not nearly enough focus, I have undertaken to do a NaNoWriMo in May.  
All other fics are on hold till June so you can all check out Book of Shadows, available any minute now.

Bubye


	40. One ugly look

Hogwarts a History – The eyes have halls  
Chapter 10 – One ugly look

…

Halloween; of all the human holidays this was the one she understood the least. She understood the winter one with the tree they dragged indoors. It was to celebrate not freezing to death, (the tree would be cut up and burned later). And the one in the spring with the rabbits and the eggs, that made sense (she wasn't really a fan of eggs but rabbits was good eatin).

Halloween though, what was that even about. Hollowed out gourds with fires inside. What was the point. Something to do with ghosts, seemed logical if not stupid. Why would anyone want to celebrate a ghost?

Fool as it seemed there must be some truth to it. They'd been floating about in a tizzy all day; the local ones and dozens she'd never seen.

The excited energy permeated the air, making it difficult to nap and making Peeves even more rambunctious than usual. Her human had been in a foul temper all day chasing the poltergeist from one bit of mischief to the next.

He was gone now, they all were. She'd followed one out of curiosity and found the lot of them congregated in a single room, for what purpose she could only guess.

She'd stayed just long enough to determine the food was all rotten or sour before leaving. Ghosts were of even less interest to her than live humans; and significantly less useful.

It was later now; night had fallen, and she was readying to begin her rounds. All the humans were still in the big food room but would be leaving soon.

She heard a noise, a sobbing wail coming from one of the bathrooms and went to investigate. She'd figured out what was happening before she even reached the door. The puddle was a dead giveaway.

Moaning Myrtle was one of the best known if least seen residents of Hogwarts on the unliving side. Anyone who knew anything about Myrtle knew it didn't take much to set the overly sensitive ghost off.

Peeves did it just for fun. Peeves did everything just for fun.

The assumption was immediately made, since all the other ghosts were downstairs, Myrtle must have been as well, though obviously no longer.

Her human was going to have a fit when he saw this. He didn't like Myrtle for the same reason he didn't like Peeves, or the entire student body, or mud. They made him work harder and he hated working harder.

He was firmly of the belief his mere existence was hard enough work and anything more was just blatantly unreasonable. He'd never outright said it, but he mumbled about it often enough, you didn't need to be as sharp as she was to figure it out.

Seeing no reason to waste a perfectly good puddle, she bent down for a quick drink. Pallet wetted, she opened her eyes and froze. In the reflection of the water she could see a form towering over her, and it was giving her a look; an ugly look.

She'd been given ugly looks before of course. She received ugly looks on a daily basis, sometimes hourly. This was different though. The human face only had so many ways it could contort, only some of them could be qualified as 'ugly'. Most were simply listed under 'stupid'.

This was not a human face, nor anything she'd ever seen before. To her it appeared a face made for ugly looks; and not just regular ugly looks but 'ugly' ugly looks.

The kind of ugly looks that made you say "Ugh!" without even seeing it. The kind of ugly look that made you wish you really could stick your head up your own butthole. The kind of ugly look that stared you right in the reflected eye and dared you to move, but you couldn't.

She couldn't, she couldn't move at all. Some part of her brain said this was wrong, but the rest of it was still entirely focused on that look.

_ Ugh! It's so ugly!_


	41. Fifth Arc - Time to duel

Hogwarts a History – Duel club  
Chapter 01 – Time to duel

…

"What a bloody mess."

Harry nodded his agreement. There were times when his ginger friend could be quite succinct, and this was one of those times. It was a bloody mess, the whole bloody year in fact, but this, this was something else. A bloody mess.

"I don't think it could have come out at a worse time," Hermione agreed, "or in a worse possible light."

'It' of course, referring to his stigma, his power, his dark talent. He could speak French—I mean Parsel, yeah, that's it.

"I still don't understand why this is such a big deal, I mean, so what if Voldemort could do it. He could do a lot of things. Does that make all of them evil too? Did he eat evil? Did he drink his coffee evil?"

"I hear what you're sayin mate," said Ron. "I'm not sayin you're evil, just that everyone who ever had it has been."

"Which is basically saying he is," said Hermione logically, "which is stupid, and I highly doubt everyone who ever had it was evil. I'd bet lots of people who had it just never talked about it because they knew stupid people would think they were evil."

"Hey, I said I didn't think he was evil just cause he had it," Ron defended.

"I wish you two would stop saying I 'have' it. You make it sound like some sort of disease."

The looks he'd been getting as they hurried him out of the hall made him feel enough like a leper, he didn't need this too.

They took their time getting back to the common room. Harry wasn't prepared to be stared at some more, but he also wasn't prepared to walk into a very heated argument.

"I didn't say he was evil, you're putting words in my mouth!" shouted Seamus.

"Not putting words, just picking them out from bullshit," said Parvati hotly.

"What's this about?" Ron wondered quietly.

"Should we ask?" Hermione wondered equally quietly.

They were saved the time when the two noticed Harry standing there.

"Where you been?" shouted Seamus, an act he was quickly made to regret by a dainty hand upside his head.

"Don't yell at him!" Parvati yelled.

"I wasn't!"

"You were!"

"Excuse me," said Harry. "Is there something I need to be told?"

"No."

"Yes."

"I didn't say anything wrong."

"Just accused him of being the next dark lord, that's all."

"I didn't!"

Harry groaned as the two bickered back and forth. This he needed?

"Harry, are you alright?"

Harry stared at the little centaur who clipclopped up to them, "I've had better days?"

"Can you explain something to me. I'm very confused," which on her sweet little face was disarmingly adorable.

"What's the matter Filene?" he asked.

"Why are they calling you evil?"

"I didn't!" Seamus denied.

Harry looked at the Irishman, then the little centaur maid, "Ron, you're the expert on this, you field this one."

"Wha! Me? But I," he tried, but Harry had already wandered off, leaving Ron to face down a very inquisitive centaur. "Well, ya see, it's just uh…"

He stuttered and babbled for several minutes, arguing with himself over numerous points, claiming this, then that, then the other thing which totally didn't contradict the first thing. Filene watched and listened, and when he was done she nodded and cantered over to Harry.

"I'm still confused."

Harry smiled, a tired smile, "Join the club."

"OO, can I join too?" chirped Lavender, leaning over the back of his chair.

"Really?"

"Well, since the duel club fell apart before it ever got started, I've got some time."

She was trying to cheer him up; it wasn't working.

"Can I just say how disappointed I am about that," said Dean, plopping down into the chair opposite Harry. "I can't be the only one who was looking forward to having an honest to Merlin duel club."

"You weren't," said Harry.

"Just too bad it had to be Lockhart—OW!"

Hermione glared at the flinching Weasley, "While it certainly didn't go as planned, I'm sure he did his best."

"Yeah, that's the problem—OW!"

"Well, someone needs to think of something because I do not handle disappointment well," declared Lavender.

"What, like, do our own duel club?" said Dean.

"YES!" she squealed.

"How? None of us know how to duel."

"I'm sure there's a book about it somewhere."

Hermione blushed under the incredulous stares of her housemates. Honestly, what were they expecting her to say?

"Maybe we could ask Professor Flitwick," she added.

"You want to hear him scream again?"

It was sad really. McGonagall had given the twins a very stern warning, and several creative threats, just before Flitwick was released from the hospital wing, again. It was two days before Halloween and despite seeming a little jumpy he looked to be on the mend.

Then it happened, the chamber was opened, Mrs. Norris was petrified, the writing was on the wall. He'd taken one look, let out a keening wail, then promptly passed out.

He hadn't left the hospital wing since.

"So, book you say?"

"I'm sure there is one."

"Why?" asked Filene.

"Well—uh, just—because!"

"Oh."

Harry chortled as Hermione tried to recover her balance. It was like watching her try and have a conversation with Luna.

"So, what did we miss?" asked Parvati as she and a very cowed looking Seamus joined the group.

"Apparently we're starting our own duel club," said Harry.

"Oh! Well that sounds fun."

"You think that wand twiddling he showed us was actually a shield spell?" Lavender wondered.

"We should start there," said Hermione. "I'm no expert but being able to block a spell sounds like something that would be really handy."

An excited chatter broke out; ideas were jotted down, scratched out, added to, and by the time they broke up they had what could have passed for, in the right light, if you squinted a bit, a solid plan, or the makings of one.

It was time to duel.


	42. Shields up Mr Weasley

Hogwarts a History – Duel club  
Chapter 02 – Shields up Mr. Weasley

…

"And—shield!"

"_Protego_!"

A silver light flickered briefly then failed, letting the tickling charm slip through to its target.

"Bwahahahahahahahah, Harry—hahahaha, make it stop!"

Harry shook his head and threw a finishing charm, "Again?"

"No! No more. I can't take it I tell you."

"Oh, stop being such a ham Ron," he said, not actually expecting it to happen.

"Is it my turn Harry?" Luna asked, sitting on a nearby table and waving her legs excitedly.

"I guess so."

The quirky blonde hopped off the table and threw her spell before her feet even hit the ground.

A brief flash of silver bounced her spell harmlessly away and Harry grinned, "Nice shot."

"Nice shield," she replied. "You've picked this spell up very quickly Thaddeus."

"S'not so hard once you know how to do it," he said.

"Probably why Lockhart had such a hard time," Ron opined.

"He really isn't very competent is he," said Luna.

"That's putting it mildly," said Harry. "Nooooooow, think fast!"

The tickling charm flew from his wand but rather than shield, Luna performed a perfect dive and roll.

"You were supposed to shield Luna."

"But you said think fast, and it seemed to me the best way to shield myself was to just not be there."

"She's got ya there mate," said Ron with a look that said he really didn't want to, because it meant agreeing with Luna, but he couldn't not because he was annoyed with Harry.

"Alright, think a little slower."

This time she remained in place and the silver light bounced his spell harmlessly to the floor.

"Like that?"

"Very good Luna."

"It's really too bad Hermione isn't here," said Luna. "Where is she anyway?"

"Uh…"

"Potions accident," said Harry, "she's in the hospital wing."

"Oh, that's too bad."

It certainly was. They'd put a lot of work into that Polyjuice potion. Knowingly sabotaged a potion right under Snape's nose just so they could steal the necessary ingredients, and for what, nothing.

Draco, while being an obnoxious self-important little shit, was not the heir of Slytherin. They'd done all that work for nothing and now Hermione was half cat.

"I just hope she gets out soon," said Harry. "Can you imagine what she's going to be like, all that time away from the library."

"Cor, she'll be climbing the walls," said Ron.

"I've done that," said Luna. "It's really not as hard as people think."

Harry and Ron shared a look.

"I swear that girl is barmy," said Ron later as they skulked back to the tower.

"She's just having you on," said Harry, not too sure he believed it.

"Yeah, well, I don't know why you wanted to get her involved with this."

"Why not? We know she won't tell anyone. Can't say the same for everyone else involved."

"Are we not supposed to be telling anyone?"

"Look at it this way. The official duel club was a disaster and that was before Justin and Sir Nick were petrified, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, what do you think they'd say if they found out a bunch of students started their own duel club, without permission from any of the teachers?"

"Probably wouldn't be too happy, would they?"

"No, they wouldn't," the paranoia was ramping up quickly.

It was one thing for Mrs. Norris to play dead, or Collin Creevey to lie down with his camera in front of his face. It was a whole other thing when you managed to do harm of any kind to one of the ghosts. The sort of thing that could do that was—well, he didn't know, and that was the problem.

No one knew; they hadn't the slightest idea. It came and went without a trace, attacked with little obvious reason or pattern except to go after muggleborn, and despite the clear malicious intent, it had yet to kill any of them. If all stories going around about Slytherin were true, why would his monster merely be petrifying people.

Murder, on the whole, seemed so much easier.

"So, we shouldn't be telling anyone else about the duel club?"

"We're already walking a fine line because of the car incident."

"Said I was sorry," Ron mumbled.

"Everyone else might just get detention. I can't imagine us being that lucky, especially if Snape gets involved."

"COR!" Ron exclaimed. "Can you imagine what he'd do if he was the one to catch us?"

"I'd rather not actually," it was too terrible to consider. "We keep it quiet. No one needs to find out."

"Yeah, right. Uh, Harry."

"Yes?"

"Did you tell this to the others before they went home for the holidays?"

"… ah, bollocks."

Of course, it wouldn't be till after the hols that Harry would learn the unfortunate truth of all secret societies. Two people could keep a secret, if one of them was dead.


	43. I'm stunned

Hogwarts a History – Duel club  
Chapter 03 – I'm stunned

…

"_Stupefy_!"

"Gyaah!"

"And that is the stunning spell. A hand for my lovely assistant."

A brief, and extremely sarcastic, round of applause followed while he went to bring Ron back to the land of the conscious.

"Right! That's the shield spell and the stunner. Everyone, pair off and take turns practicing each one."

The little group chuckled at the dazed expression on the youngest Weasley then went about their pairing, finding a partner and attempting to knock them on their butt.

"That was pretty good Harry," said Hermione.

"Yeah, yeah, good," mumbled Ron, shaking his head to chase away the little birdies.

"I don't see why I'm the one doing this though," he complained, "this was Lavender and Dean's idea. Why aren't they doing this?"

"Because you and Ron were here at school all break and had the time to practice," said Hermione logically.

"You know I don't appreciate being reasoned with right now," he said petulantly.

"Well, no one listens to me."

"We listen to you," Ron countered.

"Is your homework done?"

"Uh—I'm getting to it."

"My point," she said, pointing a very accusing finger, "people listen to you Harry. Like it or not, they do."

Harry scowled but held his peace. He didn't agree with her but there was seldom any point in arguing with Hermione even if you were right, she'd find a way to convince you she wasn't wrong.

"Hey! Watch it there," he exclaimed, dodging a rouge stunner.

"Sorry," said Susan Bones, looking very sheepish.

And that was yet another reason he was annoyed, security leaks.

"What happened?"

"I was just practicing the stunner like you said."

"I saw that, when it almost hit me," he said, ignoring how the crimson blush combined with her nervous fidgeting made her look disarmingly cute. "My question is, why did it almost hit me? You were supposed to be practicing it on your partner so they could practice their shield."

"I was," fidget, blush, "she moved."

"Hannah? Is this true?"

"I panicked!"

Harry sighed. "You're never going to get this if you refuse to try."

"I'm trying!" she protested loudly.

"Don't pick on her," said Lavender, leaving Dean to join them.

"I'm not picking on her," Harry defended, which, if he were a little older, he would have known was pointless.

He was the man, which meant he was wrong, by default.

"Don't be so mean."

"I wasn't being mean."

He saw the mischief in her eyes before her wand even began to move. With seeker quick reflexes he had his shield up, bouncing her stunner off into a corner.

"Nice try Lav, but not good enough."

"Oh?"

"No! No oh."

But there was 'oh', there was a lot of 'oh', capitol O H 'OH'.

It was only the three of them at first, Susan and Hannah being quick to back the person who'd brought them in. Then, since he wasn't busy, Dean decided to join them. Parvati and Padma, because of course she'd bring her twin, then Luna, Neville, Seamus, and even Ron jumped in, earning him a vicious 'et tu Brute' look, which was all the concentration he could spare as he defended against their assault.

One short, and one-sided fight later…

"How?"

"It's just—not possible."

"How can he—how can he still—be standing?"

The duel club, sans Hermione, stood panting and wheezing like a second-place marathoner. With his back to the wall Harry drew slow measured breaths while holding his wand still at the ready.

"I don't understand. We didn't hit him once."

"I for one am very impressed."

Which was saying something for Luna who had seen him in action before, albeit not with a wand.

"You all done?" Harry asked, arms tired but not tired enough to give them a free shot.

Lavender tried to raise her wand, but it only got halfway up before flopping back to her side, "Can't—even—lift—my—arm," the blonde whined.

"Well, I think we all learned something today," said Hermione in her best lecture voice.

"Yeah, if we're gonna gang up on Harry we need to bring a bigger gang," said Seamus, which gave everyone a good laugh, even Harry.

"Don't forget I know where you sleep Finnegan."

Seamus quickly stopped laughing, which only made everyone else laugh harder.

"Yes, yes," said Hermione. "If we've had enough tomfoolery, I'd like everyone to take one of these," she said, handing each person a piece of parchment.

"What's this then?" asked Ron without bothering to read it.

"A short list of basic spells, hexes and jinxes mostly. Some we know, a couple we don't. I'd like everyone to have a basic working knowledge of these before the next time we meet."

"Homework!"

A few snickers at the gingers predictable response died off quickly, "I didn't hear you complain when we were doing the stunning spell. And we'll need more than just that if we want to have an actual duel."

Which they all did, even Ron who grumbled under his breath but otherwise said nothing.

"So, when are we doing this again?" asked Susan.

"We're not sure just yet," said Hermione. "You gave me you're schedule and so did Padma and Luna so we'll try to plan around it so everyone can be here."

Harry stood back as the group broke into chatter. It wasn't a bad start. He didn't like that he was essentially in charge, or that his first 'class' turned on him, but all in all, it wasn't a bad start. With any luck, things would only get better.

So, of course, they were only going to get worse. Nothing the universe hates more than an optimist.


	44. Two people can keep a secret if

Hogwarts a History – Duel Club  
Chapter 04 – Two people can keep a secret, if

…

They were looking for a confrontation, that was apparent; everything about them said as much. The stance, the smirk, the refusal to move; all of it combined in such a way that said, 'yeah, I'm here, what are you gonna do about it?'

"I'll take the little one," Ron whispered.

Harry sighed. Normally he'd be all for engaging a couple cocky Slytherin, there was just two problems, neither of them happened to be Draco Malfoy, and both of them were girls.

Harry of course was not the sort of fool who believed gender made you more or less proficient with magic, but there was just something about starting a fight with a couple of girls who had yet to do anything but stand in his path that rubbed him all the wrong ways, like a small child with their first kitty.

"Can we help you—ladies?" Harry asked, being sure to emphasize the question in 'ladies'.

Pansy smirked, harder than she already was, "Funny you should ask that."

"Why's it funny?" Ron demanded, held back by the thinnest of threads.

"It's funny 'Weasley' because it's really the two of you who need help. I mean, the two of you and all your friends in the duel club."

It took all his will to bite back a scream of frustration. He knew keeping the whole thing a secret would be hard, but this. The only way it could be worse was if Draco had found out, which of course would have led to Snape finding out and that thought didn't bear finishing.

He didn't know how they found out and asking would only confirm the accusation. Deny, that was the key. Admit to nothing. What could she prove?

"How did you hear about that?"

Everything, she could prove everything. Dammit Ron!

"You should really be more careful where you talk about things like that," the smirker smirked. "You and Thomas couldn't have been much more indiscreet if you'd declared it in the middle of the great hall. You do know other people use the library, right?"

"RON!"

The ginger shrank under his friends heated stare, "oops."

"Yeah, oops!"

It was hard not to throttle his friend then and there, but somehow, he managed it. Pansy seemed quite amused by the whole thing, and the other, well, Millicent just stood there with all the expression of a piece of stone. It was weird; Crabbe and Goyle were more expressive.

"So, let me guess," said Harry, "we do whatever it is you want us to do or you'll turn us all in to Snape."

"Amazing," she said. "I never would have believed you smart enough to figure it out."

"Don't push me Parkinson," Harry growled. "There are a lot of places to hide a body around here."

Something in his words or expression must have startled her. For a moment, just an instant, she looked genuinely afraid. It was gone quickly, buried deep beneath the smirk, "You should be careful about threatening like that. People might start to believe those rumors about you being the heir of Slytherin."

"They don't already?"

Pansy shrugged, "Not the smart ones. And you can't really count stupid people, they'll believe anything."

No argument there, "What do want then?"

"We want in."

Harry stared, sure he must have misheard, "Say that again."

"We, want, in," she repeated, "to the duel club," she added.

Harry was stuck. It was crazy talk being spoken and he didn't know how to deal with it, "Why?"

"Because, you and the rest of the lions weren't the only one's excited about having a dueling club. And after that disaster, you might assume we were a bit miffed."

Interesting choice of words, "Why not just start your own then?"

"You don't think we tried that?"

"How would I know?"

"He's right," Millicent cut in before Pansy could fire of an assuredly scathing retort.

"Yeah, well," she mumbled. "We did, Professor Snape said no. Said he didn't have time."

"Yeah," Ron said, "cuz he doesn't spend enough of his time wasting ours."

Sparing him a brief glare, Pansy pushed on, "Look, you've got a duel club, we want a duel club. You let us in, or nobody gets what they want, capiche?"

"What does a vegetable have to do with this?"

Harry sighed, ignoring his friend's ignorance for the moment. He hated to do it, but there really wasn't much choice.

"Fine."

And just like that the threatening scowl vanished and the smirk was back, "I knew you'd see it my way. When's the next meeting?"

Harry rummaged in his pocket for a bit of parchment that had the time on it and handed it to the Slytherin girl. After explaining where they were to meet the two girls left, and the boys began the long hard trudge back to Gryffindor.

"I still say we could have taken them," said Ron, belligerence showing through.

"And then what?" said Harry. "They knew, thanks to you and Dean."

"… yeah, uh…"

"I know, oops."

"Sorry."

Harry shook his head and waved it off, "Two people can keep a secret, if one of them is dead," he said. "I don't know who said that, but they were right. I knew this would get out eventually."

"Weren't expecting that though, were ya?"

"No," who would have?

"So, do we tell everyone now, or wait till the next meeting so they can't mysteriously come down with something at the last minute?"

"Well that depends," said Harry, "can you keep a secret?"

"Hrk!"


	45. Let it slide

Hogwarts a History – Duel Club  
Chapter 05 – Let it slide

…

"Well this is going about as well as I expected."

"I revel in their loathing."

To say the duel club was not happy would be to understate the problem to such a degree one would be forced to reconsider the meaning of the word 'happy'. Pansy was happy, by the conventional definition, at least the grin on her face suggested this was the case.

"Harry, a word please," Hermione said through gritted teeth, dragging her friend away from the two newest members. "I cannot believe you didn't tell me."

"Well I can't believe you can't believe I didn't tell you."

The bushy-haired girl glared with laser like intensity, "Don't get smart with me. What were you thinking, bringing them?"

"I was thinking I'd like it if they didn't tattle on us to Snape."

"Well why'd you tell them then!"

"You're really gonna say that to me Hermione? I told them. Really?"

His incredulity was strong, but it only tamped down her temper a little, "Then how did they find out."

"They found out because this group can't keep a secret to save their lives and some people just talk too loud," said Harry, saving the identity of the perpetrators for later in case he needed someone to throw under the Hogwarts express. "Look. They're here, Snape isn't. They had two days to tell anyone they wanted to, and they haven't. Okay? So, just go with it."

She didn't want to, he could tell by the pout, but being a reasonable girl, she came to the same conclusion he had. What other choice was there?

"Fine!"

He breathed a sigh of relief when she stomped over to the others, leaving him to get things started. "Alright everyone, since we have two new—participants, in our little club, I think a review of the shield spell is in order. I trust everyone has been practicing… Lavender?

"What are you looking at me for?"

"Because you get to demonstrate," said Harry, drawing his wand. "Ready?"

"No! Not ready! Not READY!" she squealed, scrambling for her wand, "HARRY!"

Grinning wickedly, he waited till she had a hold of her wand before throwing the stunner. Her pronunciation was off, and the wand motion was weak, but the spell worked, his stunner deflected giving just enough kick to knock her wand from her hand.

"And there you are."

"Harry! That wasn't funny."

"Neither was setting the whole room after me, but it didn't stop you," he countered as she retrieved her wand.

"Are you still mad about that," she said. "Really Harry, get over it."

"How bout I swat your behind then we'll see who's over it."

"Meep! I'll be good."

"We should've gotten in on this sooner."

Again, Harry sighed, forced to address the elephant snake in the room now that everyone was glaring at her again, "Pair off, usual drill. Let's see if the rest of you have learned anything. And that just leaves, you two."

"Oh good," said Pansy, "I was afraid you were going to leave us out."

He ignored the none too subtle threat in that statement, choosing to focus on the immediate problem. "I'm going to assume neither of you knows this spell. It's the one Lockhart tried to 'teach' us."

Pansy's jaw dropped, "You mean that was real!"

"We were all very surprised as well," said Luna, the only person not glaring at the two Slytherin.

It wasn't a complicated spell, in theory. He spent a half hour working with them, by the end of which Millicent had a firm grasp of the spell and Pansy was, starting to get it.

"Good work Millicent. Try not to hold it so long if you don't need to. It works best when you deflect and drop. The longest we've had anyone hold the spell is two minutes before they couldn't anymore."

"Brag much Potter," Pansy quipped snarkily.

"Did I say it was me?"

The retort took her off guard, "Oh, then who?"

Harry pointed with his wand to the bubbly blonde in the corner, "Lavender."

She didn't like that, "Do I look stupid to you?"

Biting back his initial response, "She has more energy than she knows what to do with."

"What was that spell you threw at her?" asked Millicent when her 'friend' came up lacking something to say.

"The stunning spell," said Harry. "I should probably teach you that one."

"Oh, I already know that spell," said Pansy.

The subtle shift of her eyes tipped him off even before the wand started to move.

"_Stupefy_!"

"_Protego_!"

The spell bounced off and Harry smirked behind his shield as Pansy pouted at her failure.

"Show off."

"Man down," someone said.

Neville lay flat on the floor, face down.

"Somebody roll him over," said Harry, keeping one eye on Pansy.

He needn't have because the spell came from the other direction. It bounced of Millicent's shield, cast faster than he would have expected, bouncing the stunner away from Pansy who used the bigger girl as a shield, popping out to throw her own stunner before ducking back.

A powerful apathy gripped Harry as spells began flying back and forth. Rubbing his eyes, he sighed, going to lean against the wall till it was over.

"I think we did rather well today, don't you?" said Luna, who sat down next to him.

"I shouldn't be surprised by this," said Harry. "If anything, it took longer than I had any reason to hope for."

Luna patted him on the head and the two waited till the fight was over. Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful.

Millicent and Pansy stood in defiance to the superior number of their enemies, all stunned on the floor.

"Ha! That'll teach you to mind your betters," Pansy taunted the incapacitated fighters.

"Don't get too cocky Parkinson," said Harry, climbing to his feet.

"Oh, you want some too Potter?" Her stunner was thrown and batted aside with ease.

"I think that's enough," he said, pointing his wand at their feet, "_Frictus Null_."

"What was that then?" the mouthy Slytherin asked when nothing appeared to happen.

Harry just smiled and gave a mighty blow. Fully against their will and the laws of friction the two girls began sliding across the floor.

"Hey! Wait a second! Not fair! Not fair!"

"Deal with it," he said, leaving the two to coast as he went around and woke everyone up.

She was pouting by the time he was done, only just reaching the wall when he turned the friction back on.

"What spell was that?" asked Millicent since Pansy was refusing to speak.

"Zero friction. Something I picked up last year."

"You should teach us that one Harry," said Lavender, "I mean, everyone else. You already taught me."

He had, for her hoverboard project. "We'll save that for next time. I think everyone's had enough fun for one night."

"Fine then," said Pansy imperiously, "you will let us know the when and where 'I trust'."

Leaving the threat hanging she marched from the room, followed by her – friend? bodyguard? wall of meat?

"I don't think we should tell them," said Ron to a chorus of nods.

"We don't tell them, they'll tell Snape," Harry reminded.

"I don't really see the problem," said Luna, "it's not like they started the fight."

No, they hadn't, "Who threw that stunner?"

The culprit quickly found himself at the center of Harry's attention as everyone else quickly made room.

"Ruddy cowards," Ron grumbled.

"Really Ron? Really?"

"Hey, don't look at me. They did Neville first."

"The spell bounced off 'my' shield," said Harry. "If anyone's to blame it's me."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing," said Ron. "You're actually defending them, a couple Slytherin."

"Why is that bad?" asked Luna.

"Well—they're Slytherin!" the ginger babbled.

"Yes. They are."

She was making a point, but Ron couldn't get far enough past 'Slytherin bad' to see it. Harry could, and it made him feel sick. He was defending a couple Slytherin because the couple Slytherin had done nothing wrong.

When did the world get turned on its head? And how did he put it back?


	46. Expand your repertoire

Hogwarts a History – Duel Club  
Chapter 06 – Expand your repertoire

…

"Harry, please."

"I'm sorry Hermione, but it's true."

"It can't be true. I refuse to believe it."

"Just because you refuse to believe it doesn't make it any less true."

"But—but we're fine. Everyone's having fun. We're fine."

"No, everyone is getting bored."

"But—but…"

"I'm sorry Hermione, but it has to be said."

"Please, don't…"

"We've hit a wall."

Dramatically the bushy-haired girl threw up her hands and buried her face in her book, sobbing inconsolably.

"You're getting the pages wet."

"NO!"

Harry sighed watching her scramble over the moistened book, a momentary distraction. A brief reprieve from the problem that lay stretched out before them. The Duel Club had hit a wall.

Within the two meetings since the Slytherins had joined, they'd done little else but practice the stunner and shield. This was outside the one hour he'd taken teaching them the zero-friction spell which hadn't been all that hard, even when he'd learned it first year.

The boredom was setting in now, and nowhere was this more clear than with the instigator, a.k.a. Pansy. If there was any ray of hope it was that no one had given in to her taunting… yet. Even Ron, who she enjoyed harassing more than anyone else outside Harry himself.

Harry was able to just ignore her because he had a lot of experience. She was very like Dudley in a lot of ways, just without the physical violence. That one thing made her remarkably easier to deal with.

"Harry! What're we going to do?"

"Give up?"

"HARRY!"

"Just kidding, just kidding," worth a try, "still, why are we the only ones working on this problem? It's not like either of us is any more qualified to teach them anything than they are to teach themselves."

"Because we chose to do this."

"No, Dean and Lavender chose to do this. You took over because that's just how you are and I'm running it because you made me."

"Well—you already agreed to do it, you can't back out now. So there."

"… you know that was very childish, Hermione?"

Or so he thought, but she proved him wrong. Sticking out her tongue was very childish.

"Well, what're we going to do?"

Sigh, thinkthinkthink…hmm.

…

"I see everyone's here."

"Yes, we are, and I'd like to formally lodge a complaint."

"You? Complain? Why Pansy, I never would have thought."

The room snickered at the pouting Slytherin, "Glib, Potter. My complaint."

"Yes?"

"When I joined this little club, I had certain expectations and those expectations are not being met."

"Nobody's making you stay," said Ron.

"No one's stopping me from telling Professor Snape either weasel!"

Oh, sweet Merlin, "Alright, that's enough."

Ron glared at the smirking Pansy, but he managed to hold his tongue, allowing Pansy to further run hers.

"As I was saying, I'm bored. All we do is stun and shield, shield, and stun. I knew half of that before I came here."

"I liked the friction spell," Millicent added.

"Yes, fine, it's cute and all, but it's one spell. The point is, I expected more."

"Funny you should bring that up," said Harry. "I was just thinking about that very thing."

"Thinking," the Slytherin smirked, "I thought that was Granger's job."

A sharp retort was cut off by a raised hand. The bushy-haired girl growled but let her friend speak.

"It's about to become your job, Pansy."

"What!"

"And yours," he said, looking at Millicent who looked back shocked, "and all the rest of you," he went on.

"Whoa, whoa there Harry," said Dean. "Just, what are you saying."

"I'm saying, our next meeting is in one week," he said. "Within that time, I expect every single one of you to learn a new spell. A spell you will then teach to everyone else."

"What!"

"Awesome!"

Harry let them mumble a bit before calling for silence. "I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm twelve. I'm no more experience than the rest of you at this whole magic thing. Meaning I'm no more qualified to teach any of you anything. It's high time you started pitching in. You all wanted a duel club, prove it."

"But, um," Susan Bones tried timidly, "what kind of spell should we learn?"

"That's up to you," said Harry. "This is a duel club, so, something you might use in a duel seems appropriate. Something you can learn in a week or less, so you can teach it to everyone. Beyond that, it's entirely up to you."

"Could you give us some ideas?" asked Lavender.

"Nope."

Everyone laughed when the bouncy girl wilted in defeat.

"You're really making us do this?" said Pansy, looking at him like she wasn't sure if she should be annoyed or impressed.

"Like I said. I'm no better at this than you. You wanted a duel club, prove it… yes Millicent," he said to the girl with her hand up.

"Does it have to be from the library?"

"No," he said. "If you've got someone at home that can teach you something or even someone here at school you could talk into it. So long as they don't find out why, you can get it from anywhere."

"And you have to write it down," Hermione shouted, drawing everyone's attention.

"Why?" Pansy queried with excess disdain.

"We won't be able to learn all of them in one night. There's too many of us. Write it down. The name, the incantation, anything and everything about that spell that the caster should know."

"That's not a bad idea," said Harry.

"Of course it isn't!"

Shaking his head, "Alright, you heard her. Homework. And I don't want to hear any stupid excuses like my Cerberus ate it or, I dropped it in my cauldron. Anyone who doesn't come prepared gets used as the guinea pig for any spell that needs one."

"Hmm, now that sounds interesting."

The look on her face was worrisome, but then again, just having her around was worrisome. He seemed to be the only one that noticed though. Everyone else had broken into excited murmuring, wondering aloud, or in Lavender's case, whining aloud, at what spell they might learn before the next meeting.

"So, are we planning to do anything tonight still?" asked Millicent.

"Uh, sure," said Harry. "Who wants to practice shielding?"

"I think I'd rather practice my stunner," said Pansy, raising her wand.

And for the first time since she joined the duel club, no one felt the need to argue with her… except Harry.


	47. Magic report 01

Hogwarts a History – Duel club  
Chapter 07 – Magic report 1

…

"Alright everybody, let's get started," said Harry to a room brimming with excited energy. The buzz of conversation died away and everyone turned their attention to Harry. "Glad to see everyone's here. You all sound excited."

"I'm not," said Ron.

Harry ignored him. It had been a long and hectic week and he just as much as anyone was excited to begin.

"When you come up to show us your spell, give your report to Hermione. She'll be playing secretary for us."

"Executive data collecting officer," she said, turning her nose.

"Right, secretary, anyway," he went on, ignoring the glare from his friends and the snickers from the crowd, "Ron has kindly agreed to be our guinea pig."

"I didn't agree to nothing!" the ginger shouted.

"You had the whole week to do this and you didn't. You knew what was going to happen," said Hermione, marching to the center of the floor. "Since I'm taking notes, I'll go first."

No one disagreed, not even Pansy, much to Harry's surprise.

Pointing her wand at a nearby desk, "_Everte Statum_!"

The desk flew back violently, striking the wall with a deafening crack.

"A little warning next time," said Harry, flinching back along with everyone else not named Hermione.

"It's the throw back or knock back spell," said Hermione, ignoring the cringing crowd, "I think the name is pretty self-explanatory."

"What did that poor desk ever do to you?" said Lavender. "Aren't you supposed to be using Ron?"

"Shut up!"

Scowling at a reception that was less then absolute praise, she stomped over to the desk she'd set aside for herself, unabused, straightened her papers and demanded, "Next!"

No one stepped forward; though her tone demanded immediate action, it also discouraged being the first to take it.

Seeing no one was going to step up on their own, "Lavender, why don't you go next," said Harry.

The bouncy blonde bounced to the middle of the room and drew her wand. "Oh Mr. Guinea Pig, I need you," she sang.

Head hung and grumbling depreciations Ron trudged into the circle. Pouting like a petulant princess, he refused to look up even when Lavender cleared her throat meaningfully.

"Really Ron, you're going to be like that," she said.

"Yes," he mumbled.

The girl tapped her foot impatiently, and when he refused to budge, just sighed, "Alright, but it's not gonna make this any better. _Cantare_!"

The light of the spell had barely touched him when his head shot up, his mouth opened, and he began to sing, "Bestiality may be a fun thing to do, but I have a warning to say unto you. With almost all animals you will have a ball, but the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all."

Ringing out proud as the liberty bell, Ron Weasley sang the romantic woes of the hedgehog as the entire room stared in equal parts horror and fascination.

"The spines on his back are too sharp for a man, they'll give you a pain in the worst place they can."

"Oh sweet Merlin!" cried Hannah.

"Lavender! What'd you do to him?" Hermione demanded.

"I didn't! I mean, it was just supposed to make him sing. I didn't know he was going to sing that."

"You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you, and a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu."

"Make him stop!" Susan wailed.

"I don't know how."

"You can bugger a bat if you hang upside down, you can hump with a whale, there's a chance you might drown, you can try with a dragon but the risk is not small… but the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all!"

"My ears! My poor virgin ears! They're burning!"

"Somebody make him stop!"

"HOW!"

To everyone's surprise it was Millicent who found the solution; less surprising was the solution she chose to employ. It was one thing to call the girl a gorilla behind her back, but when she walked up and conked poor Ron on the head hard enough to knock him out, well, it reminded you why you never said it to her face.

"Thank you, Millicent," said Harry.

"Whatever," she replied while the boy at her feet mumbled something about wombats and platypus.

"So, since your already there, why don't you go next."

"Nope! I'm going next," said Pansy, walking past the other Slytherin. "I don't need 'him' for this."

"Really," Harry said, leveling a suspicious glare. "Okay. What have 'you' got for us?"

The snarky Slytherin smirked, "This," she said, "_Serpensortia_!"

There was a clambering for desks as everyone fled from the summoned serpent, except Ron who was still unconscious, and Millicent who'd probably known what was coming, and Pansy who'd been the one to summon it, and Harry, for obvious reasons.

Arms crossed he glared at the small snake as it slithered toward him. It was different than the one Malfoy had summoned, smaller in size but brightly colored.

"_Stop_," he hissed.

The snake looked up at as though questioning. Calmly it lay still, unmoving, waiting.

"What did you say to it?"

He looked at the Slytherin, practically bursting with excitement, "I told it to stop."

"Okay. Now tell it to do something else."

"Get rid of it," someone shouted.

"Can't. Don't know how," Pansy shrugged, clearly heartbroken over her inability.

"You summoned it just so you could hear me talk to it, didn't you?"

She nodded with unapologetic enthusiasm.

"They teach all you Slytherin's how to summon snakes!" Seamus shouted the question like an accusation.

"If they did, you'd see a lot more of them around," Pansy replied smugly.

A sudden horror gripped Harry, "You didn't have Draco teach you this?"

"Tch! Like he would have," she said with surprising vitriol. "The spell was in one of the books he brought from home. I—discreetly borrowed it when he wasn't looking."

"Discreetly borrowed?" Harry said with his mouth, though the eyebrow he raised said a great deal more.

"I did give it back, if that's what you're implying," her own eyebrows pleading her innocence overloud to a point it would be impossible to believe her.

"Harry! It's moving again!"

Harry sighed, "We've barely even started."


End file.
